My inside voice

Pseudo-mania. That's what I'm going to call this. I don't fit the criteria for bipolar mania. Maybe some anxiety symptoms mimic it...that feeling when you feel like there are a million things moving around inside of you. I can feel it running through my blood. But I can feel that when I take Tylenol too...and can tell when it's wearing off. Maybe that's hyper-sensitivity or hyper-vigilence or something. But the anxiety increases my sensory perception (or reception?). Everything's too loud, lights are too bright, smells make me sick. I get headaches. I have to get out of the room, away from people. The sounds literally echo in my head. I don't want to feel like that. I don't want anyone to touch me. Sometimes sleep helps...sometimes it's all I can do to escape. But I can't escape my mind. I can't quiet my head. Even in sleep there are dreams. Which brings stress and sadness and fear. Sometimes the only good thing about being asleep is that I'm not awake.

Medications help. Sleep aids work better than nothing at all. But nothing lasts very long. Even if I don't fight sleep, even if I'm exhausted, I can't stay under for more than 3 or 4 hours at a time. At the most, 6 or 7. But I can't remember the last time that happened...maybe a year ago. And 2 years since this sleep pattern. I don't need much sleep, but I need more than that. I take naps during the day. I can't sleep at night at all right now. Part of Seasonal Affective Disorder; I need sunlight to function. Usually doesn't happen much in the summer months, but it goes on a cycle. October is the real fall.

I have my music, my videos, my close friends & family. Support, comfort. I try very hard to do my best to be a good friend. But I have to walk away. From some...


Let us all be free.