Blowing in the wind

I need to start believing again. Believing that things will work out. That all the pieces will come together. That there's a future out there for me -- one filled with love and joy and companionship. That maybe I'll get married and have a child. Or in the present time -- find a man who's brave enough to stand with me and face that uncertain future. The future's not promised to anyone...we all run out of time. I want to get a dog. Adopt a child if I can't have one of my own, on my own. Visit Ireland, hang out with my friends in Texas. Maybe there's a home there for me...I don't know. Spend time with my girls in Utah. Watch my nephew grow up. Help where I can...make someone happy.

There are lifetimes to be experienced, foreign worlds to be discovered. Lots of good things in my life. I can see them. I can feel them. I know I am loved. I love very much.

But the fear. For my family, for loss, for death. I honestly don't know why I haven't had a breakdown yet. It's been too much, for too long. I shouldn't be sane. Am I?

It's hard to look forward to a future that you know will be empty of the people (and animals) you love most. The love doesn't stop. You love them as if they're still there. You look for them everywhere. You expect them. But you know they are gone forever. They will never come back -- no matter how hard you pray, no matter how much you cry or barter or beg. THEY WILL NEVER COME BACK. And me...I look at my family and I want to save them, spare them the pain. It goes inside of me no matter what I do. That's a given. But I can do nothing. Nothing. As much as I have to give, as intuitive as I am -- I don't have that power. There's so much I can't see. And so, I'm here with them. Waiting for the other shoe to drop...and trying to survive in the midst of all those that have already fallen from the sky. We're drowning...and no one can see.

But, I have to be here now. Keep going, knowing that eventually I'll lose everyone I love. Wondering what's the point of it all. Is it worth it? Why should we have to live in pain and suffer unbearably? Depression, anxiety, physical pains. No one even knows. I'm here.

I want...something. It's right there. And so am I. I have to wait...or let go. I don't give up, but sometimes I just have to let go and walk away. I have to take care of my needs, my sanity. I need more. I deserve better. And it's possible. I see it. What was, what is, what could be. It's there. I just wish he could see it too. See me. Want me. Choose me. Now. Take me with you on your journey. I could be good for you. I think I could.

But I walk alone. I sleep alone, I grieve alone. You can't fill up the round holes with square pegs. You can't substitute one person for another. They all have their place -- for me, inside. If they're gone, that place is empty. That hole won't be filled with someone else, something new. As grateful as I am for ALL the blessings in my life, they will NEVER take the place of what was lost. Or what has not come into my life yet. There are holes, empty spaces waiting. Reserved for a specific thing. Nothing can replace, nothing else compares. I see it, I feel it. I KNOW what I need. No one else does.

If other people don't understand or feel that way, they don't have to. But don't tell me how to live or what worked for you or what I'm doing wrong. I follow my heart -- it tells me the truth. About my life. And the only one who knows all of the secrets is me.

I'm trying. I feel like I'm failing, but I'm trying. I just have to live how I live and block the pain so I can breathe. It always comes back. One second, one second at a time.