It's Time

I wanted to write before I lose this feeling. Before I forget what I learned today. What I know now....and before the doubts creep back in.

I wasn't sure which emotions I'd feel today. It's just hard watching other people live the kind of life that you want yourself. Not to take anything from them, but to have something of your own. But you don't. So it's hard, just is. I expect it, I accept it. But I love so deeply and I truly truly want the people I care about to be happy. It's a necessity...I need to know that they will be ok -- loved, protected, taken care of happy -- no matter what happens to me. They will go on...when I can not.
But seeing my cousin, who is my age and has struggled through some of the things I have, who has felt what I have felt -- getting older, not married, frustrated, etc. There are so many things we want...us women in our 30s...and I have friends who feel the same too. But when I saw her walk out of the church in her beautiful gown with her new husband beside her, smiles on their faces and hope for their future, I felt so much love for her and I am so glad that she is happy.

Of course it makes me think about the fact that I'm not married...not even close. I don't have the child I want, I don't have a good job or good health. But I'd never want to take that from anyone else. It has nothing to do with anyone else. My life is my own and I make my choices. I change, I adapt, I hope, I pray. I live and I love. I have happy times, special moments, even miracles. But I can't just be content to live an unfinished life. To settle and just "deal with it". I can't control others' emotions or choices. I can't make someone stay when they don't want to. I can't make someone like me if they don't. Even if I had the power, I wouldn't. Free choice. It's very important to me.

It was very hard when my younger sister got married. Difficult when my younger brother had a child. But I worked through it, I got past it and did the honorable and responsible thing. And the wedding was beautiful, perfect. I had no bad thoughts or feelings that day. My brother-in-law is one of my brothers; and I know without a doubt how devoted he is to her. And my nephew is the one true thing in life that makes me know that there's a reason the earth spins, that everything means something. I understand what J.F. meant by "I know that God exists, I held her in my arms...", refering to his daughter. You have to believe that there's some higher power at work when you hold a child. They are miracles in themselves. And I have so many great children in my life that I love. They make my world better. They make the world. But none of them are mine...some aren't even blood. And people say that you'll never understand unless you have your own kids, you can't understand certain situations or decisions a parent makes unless you're a parent yourself. Experience is knowledge, I give you that. But I can understand, I can relate. I can see so much, and what I don't know, I feel. I listen, I learn. I have the maternal instinct. And I have taken care of kids before -- since I was a kid myself. I've watched my mom, saw her feelings. Watched and learned and acted through everyone around me. I know how to be a mother. I know that I do. And I'm good at it. Biological children or not. It's in me.

But what I learned today was more immediate to my life. There's someone I'm interested in, someone I was hoping to developed a relationship with...or at least become better friends. He's such a good guy. And with me "friend" = platonic; I don't get the whole "with benefits" thing. You don't sleep with your friends, you have romantic relationships for that. I'm not attracted to my "friends"...I'm attracted to men I want to date. Whatever. The point is, that I've been waiting and hoping and questioning why things are the way they are. Why none of my efforts get anywhere. Why he says he wants to see me, but he doesn't do anything about it. I've been here before. Decades. And no matter how much I adapt (different person, different situation) or try not to make the same mistake again, things still seem to have the same outcome. I could say all the things I said before. Think back to that list that someone created about why no man wants me, why no one will ever want to have kids with someone like me. I could go back further, to college, high school. Whenever. I know all the bad. I know how others see me....and how I see myself. I don't want to put myself down...and I don't so much anymore. It's like a detachment. Or numbness? These deaths have taken their toll and I'm not who I was. But I care less, about everyone else. And I'm prepared for what will happen. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Let go of what isn't yours to have.

I know that I deserve more. It's hard to feel worthy of that, but I know it to be true. I can't settle, I can't just give in to something that's wrong for me. I've always strived for more, better. Just to feel whole and do what's right for ME. My intuition guides me. And it is not wrong. So we go through the things we go through because we're meant to. At that time. You can't erase the past just because things go wrong in the future. Just because a friendship or relationship changes or falls apart, doesn't negate all of the good in the beginning. You can't erase memories. The things that I wish I hadn't done, I know that at the time they were the right choices for me. Even if I make a mistake, even if I regret...I made the choice that I chose to make. I love so many, care about so many more. And detest a few. But that doesn't make me a bad person. Bad deeds don't make you a bad person inside. Unless you let that become your persona. But I don't really understand that. Too deep for right now.

It was good hanging out with my (paternal) family. Hadn't seen many of them in awhile. Maybe afraid of what they would think of me...knowing now the things I never spoke of before. But I'm not so crazy, right? And I'm not so quiet either...or maybe more confident. Aggressive? Living in the Philly area made me become more of the person I wanted to be. I'm different now. My uncle said so. That's good I think. I'm not going to change back into what I was when I lived here before. No. I'm better than this. I'm better.

I had fun. The reception was great and the cake was beautiful. I love those fancy, modern cakes that look like tiered hat boxes...too exquisite to be real. Beautiful dresses that kind of brought back memories of altering the bridesmaid dresses and bridal gown for my sister's wedding. Bittersweet feelings. But my cousin was so lovely, so content and excited and happy. And her husband seems like a very cool guy...really good for her. And from the speeches, he is really good to her. Takes care of her in the way an independent woman needs to be. Just does the things that someone who loves you is supposed to do. Treats her well, treats her friends and family well. Is there for her. Ready to be there for her.

And that's what I realized -- that's the kind of man I need. The kind that we all should be blessed with. One who understands us, who is there for us, and gives generously of himself without question. One who does not neglect, one who does not make you question whether they want to be with you or make you feel like you're not quite good enough in some way. Who knows your flaws and emotions and health issues and everything else, but is THERE for you. I know I've seen it in my parents and grandparents and aunts/uncles. Friends, family. It's what keeps me believing in marriage. Because I know it can work. Through the hard times and arguing and setbacks. Through the scary times and happy ones. You get through it together -- because you BOTH want to. People change, they grow up, grow older, want different things. But if you love enough, want enough, fight and work enough...I don't see how you can't move forward. And even if things don't work out, even if you can't stay together, you still do it the right way. You still keep in mind what's important. I know what's important. But you have to try.

I've let myself be abused and rejected and disappointed and dejected. Let myself look past the words and actions that made me feel bad about myself or unwanted. I've let myself feel insecure. Let myself open my heart to people who I know didn't deserve it. But I had to try, you see. I always have to try...because you never know.

This isn't the way a relationship is supposed to be. I'm not supposed to feel neglected and disappointed. I haven't done anything wrong. I'm not supposed to keep waiting for a gesture or indication that I matter, finally. I'm not supposed to be lonely while I'm watching them live life. I'm not supposed to just take it that they don't want to call me their girlfriend, that they can't commit to the most basic form of companionship.

I'm supposed to be thought of first. To have them wonder whether I'm happy, and if not, what they can do to help me. Someone thoughtful who pays attention to my needs and does little gestures just because. I don't need money, I don't need fame, I don't need status. I just need a person to value me. And do all those little things. Want to be with me because of me. Doesn't just call me beautiful, but treats me as if I am. Wants to create something real...and can see the future I see. Need me...

So many things I can't put into words. But, I guess the bottom line is to have a man who loves me -- all of me. Even the parts they don't like or don't understand. It's what I do for them. Why I'm such a good friend, good listener. Compassion and acceptance. I know what I need now. I just might not get it. And that's something I have to accept.

I have to let go.  This isn't good enough.

But change won't come in a day...