The Confrontation
I'm tired of mixed signals. I'm tired of empty words & broken promises. I'm tired of men telling me I'm beautiful or they're attracted to me and then giving me less acknowledgment than the dirt under their shoe. I'm tired of men making plans with me and not following through. I'm tired of being alone when there's someone right there who led me to believe that they wanted to spend time with me. I'm tired of excuses & explanations. I'm tired of holding back all of my needs because there's no one there to fulfill them. I'm tired of being confused. I'm tired of trying to figure it out. I'm tired of people thinking they know what's best & I get no choice in the situation. I'm tired of married people giving me advice on being single. I'm tired of being expected to be happy for everyone else while I just watch & hurt. I'm tired of wondering what's wrong with me...and having people tell me. I'm tired of feeling unwanted. I'm tired of people telling me I'm not...when that's what is proven year after year. I'm tired of trying again & again & again. I'm not made to date a lot of people, it's not what I need. I'm tired of watching guys I'm interested in getting other girlfriends, having babies...when they said they wanted to see me, were thinking about me. Made me happy & then gone...and I lose the close friendship, the texting, the IMs, the feeling of belonging. I'm tired of wondering why why why? What can I do next time so this doesn't happen? I'm tired of being nice & caring & having everyone depend on me to help them. But no one can tell me when a friend's kid is in the hospital? When someone I love is going through a bad time? People know I would do it for them...how much I give & care & try to do my best as a friend. But people come & go, say things they don't mean, put me down, patronize me with "advice"...and I'm expected to take them back no matter how much they hurt me or ignore me or neglect me. It's NOT ok. I'm not ok. And I won't be here for this anymore. I'm done. I have to make changes. I accept that this is my life and these are the circumstances for whatever time I have left. I'm hurting & grieving & I have to deal with everything on my own. I just want to be held, touched, kissed...someone physically there that I can lean on. Someone I can take care of too. If I'm so great, why aren't I worth a few hours out of your day? If guys wanted to date me, REALLY wanted to be with me, they'd be knocking at my door or calling or texting or emailing or some way trying to get in touch with me. Making an effort, making plans, showing interest in my life. But it doesn't happen. Their actions prove that I'm not good enough. And I've been told that I'm not worth the trouble to get to know, in the past. I'll always be who I am. I will improve & compromise & go after what I want. But you have to take all of me or none of me. No more pieces, no more half efforts because you know I'm a good person & I'll still love you. My feelings won't change but you won't have a place in my life. I am worth something...I am worth fighting for. I would fight for you. I would die for those I love. It's my nature. But you can't even spend time with me when you claim to care? I ask for so little. I just want to be appreciated. Happy. But I'm just tired & sick & disappointed. I deserve more respect & consideration than this.
I had to get it out. I feel better now, stronger. No more tears. I don't need anyone who doesn't need me. I need someone who can show me without a doubt that they need me everyday. Willing to work on US.
I won't settle, I won't beg. I'm not trying to be a teacher, I won't cater to your every need. I need someone who can hold their own. Who can handle me at my best and my worst. Equality. Communication. Compatibility. Attraction. Love. Can you see my future? Do we share it? Family, a home, forever? That's what I need.
I'll be 34 tomorrow. It's way past time. I want to start my life. This isn't it.
No comments:
Post a Comment