Dreaming in black and white

I know my purpose...how to live a meaningful life. Helping others, giving of my time, heart, support. I am a nurturer. A protector. I would die for those I love. But right now I must live for them.

It's not that easy. And it's not something that anyone else can fix. Maybe not even understand. What I feel, what I know to be true in my heart, is for me alone. No one has the right to tell me how to feel or how to be. What to believe or how not to think. I will solve this on my own. Even if I was delusional (or simply wrong) it's nobody's place to decide what's right for me. I believe that there is not just one way. I believe in miracles, but I can see the worst in people, in the world. But these are my beliefs. You're entitled to your own. Free choice.

I'm so close to Him, more than anyone knows. Maybe I don't show it, or talk about it, or follow the same path as others. I think of things differently, see the world from a different perspective than most. Does that mean I'm wrong? No, because it's right for me. I play by different rules...maybe it's a game you don't know. But it's not a game. It's my life.

My intuition guides me...and what is intuition, but that part of me that is outside of me. I trust it. I have faith in it. And myself.

I'm not complete. I'm not whole. I know what I need. I know. Nothing else will fill this void. Nothing but that.


6/10/12 AM

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I'm tired. Feeling doubtful now. I still feel what I felt after the concert. Emotional during. But I don't like anyone to see me cry. Private thoughts, private feelings. That's just who I am.

Sometimes I really hate myself. No one knows the true me, except me. I'm supposed to be the good girl...kind and compassionate. But how can I be good when I have all these bad things crawling around inside of me? I don't know. Because if I'm this other way, people leave. And I have to let them go. Be free of me. I feel guilty for being defensive, for explaining the same point in a million different ways. Different perspectives for different people. I just want them to understand. All I've ever wanted. My page...but I'm not safe. Eventually my friends get tired of dealing with me, having to sit through my issues, wait til I'm nice again. It's a cycle, it's inevitable. And the hurt is involuntary. I'm sorry. I just keep trying. But why burden them? I understand why they left. I would too if I could. I would never want anyone to be like me. I would take it away. I can't be good. I can't be right. I'm just not.

Am I really different from high school? Because I still feel like a fool. Weaknesses. Mistakes. Not cool.

Bad place...emotionally & physically. Feel trapped and too exposed at the same time. Writing this isn't helping. It's not being released. I still believe, I still hope. I still pray. No one knows. And I want my dog. She's gone...and my birthday's coming up. And she's still gone.

I'm just sorry. I can't fix this. This isn't helping.
Pressure. Let me sleep.


*Dreaming in black and white = things I don't do, can not be


This is unfinished...


6/11/12 AM

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Saw 'The Avengers' for the 3rd time last night. Makes me happy. Trying to let myself enjoy things. Let it be ok that I'm happy about things. I know bad things will happen. I know I'll fall apart. I can't take anymore...no more deaths, please. 7 is enough, seven is enough. I haven't played my violin since my dog died. It's almost a year...it's almost my birthday again. I love her so much. I miss her so much. All of them. And nothing to be done.

I will let myself do good things. I will have more hope. I do have hope now, or I wouldn't be alive. But it's so hard. I need more time. I need more than this in my life. A reason. Maybe some people don't need that...they're alive just because. They look forward to another day just because it's there. But I need a reason, something to drive me, something to look forward to. Plans, a future, love in my life. Children, animals, music, art. Something to hold onto. People don't have to understand my reasoning to accept that this is the way it works for me.

I'm so frustrated. Just frustrated.

I'll never be satisfied with this...so I should just post it. Maybe someone else will understand. But I don't want help or advice or pity. I just want to be understood. Listened to and accepted. And loved, the way I love. The way I need it. I want things to work out. Happily. For a long while.

"Love me or leave me alone." This is who I am.

No more promises.


6/12/13