Thinking back to the days when we were too excited to sleep on Christmas Eve. We'd wake up at 5am and tip-toe down to our parents' bedroom, avoid looking into the living room and spoiling the surprise, and ask if we could go in now and open the presents. Of course they'd say it's too early and go back to bed. Usually we'd come down several times to ask, knowing they wouldn't agree until 8 or 9 o'clock, but too impatient to wait. When the time was right, we'd all go into the living room as a family and exchange gifts. Both of our parents wanted to be there to watch us open the toys...usually we'd have a few that we asked for specifically and also a surprise one that we didn't know. Eventually we remembered that the stockings would have surprises too and raided them for the candy and treats. Christmas and Easter were the only times we were allowed to eat candy before breakfast. We got to play for a couple hours, then had to eat and get dressed. Visited both sets of grandparents and we were allowed to choose one new toy to take with us to play with. The cousins did too and we all dressed up. Lots of food, maybe another present, playing together. I can still picture it; the warmth, the smells, the sounds. But with that underlying restless energy because we couldn't wait to get back home to our other toys. Luckily there was a long vacation from school.
As we got older, it became my job to decide when we got up on Christmas morning (or at least everyone would come to me and ask). I knew the rules and it was important to me that we all be together, so it had to be late enough for our parents to get up (because they had been up all night wrapping presents). I do like being in charge. Usually my brother and I would come to an agreement on the time and then go downstairs to get the twins up...who'd be sitting on their beds (or standing in their cribs, previously), eyes wide, waiting for the ok to go in and play with their toys. While I went in to tell my parents that we were getting up now. We could open everything except their surprise gifts until they got up too.
As the years passed, it became more and more about the gifts we bought for each other than the ones we would receive. Giving the perfect gift and imagining how I would feel when they opened it became my entire focus to the point that I would forget that I was going to get presents too, until days before. Nothing makes me happier than giving a gift that's appreciated. I pay attention and remember what people like, so it's important to act on that.
College, work, travel, made it harder to get together as we grew up, and things seem to get further and further away from the old ways. We weren't always all together on Christmas Day, but we'd still exchange gifts and visit relatives, eat meals together sometime during the week. I was always happy to come home with a new toy for our dog, and feeling like Santa with a bag full of presents to hand out to everyone. I don't have a family of my own, so I don't get to have the joy of watching my child excitedly open gifts. But I take pleasure in the things that I can. Harder now, as so many relatives are gone...both of my dad's parents. My aunt, 5 days after Christmas. My favorite holiday became the most dreaded time of the year in an instant, and for many years. The kids in my life, my nephew, bring joy and purpose back, but it's fleeting. Many, many deaths the past year. My dog is gone, all of my pets. Both grandparents, November and January, with another aunt in between. It's...unfair. We're hurting, trying to heal, but we're not allowed. Today, now... A year later, the first where they're all gone, when I have NO grandparents to visit or talk to. We're so fractured.
For me, it's hard to see the point of it all. The future. Who wants to live in a future where everyone you love is dead? I'm terrified. I can't lose anyone else and stay sane. But I'm just waiting.
I NEED a reason, a purpose. Someone to take care of, someone who needs me every day. Something to work towards, something to look forward to. Something to take the pain away and make life worth living...emphatically, without a doubt. Waking up to the sunshine as a reason to love life is fine, but it's not me. I need more than that -- and that's not bad or wrong. It's just what I need. There is no peace here. And why should I be thankful for pain? Life can be better than that. Than settling, being the same. I'll never be the same. And I may never be a part of anything more than what I am right now. It's cold on the outside...but I'm still here.
And today is Christmas. It represents goodness and miracles and doing loving things for others. It's about family and kindness and hope. It's about the best things. I hold onto that. I'm grateful for what I've experienced, what I've shared with others, the friends I've made. I'm brave and strong enough to stand on my own, and to stand up for what is right. I love deeply and unconditionally. I've made people happy. I've accomplished a lot and I don't give up. All of the bad things about me, the things inside, don't outweigh the good. I want better than this for the world. But I just have to live in it and make my way.
But today is Christmas. And I made it this far. I did.
~Nollaig Shona Duit~
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Saturday, November 24, 2012
I hear the wind blow...
Is it another storm? Life seems to echo the weather lately. Gloomy days to navigate through, periods of sunshine. Repeat. Bad times interspersed with good moments. I went after those good moments. I made the most of what I had. I had fun. But, it takes a lot to get there. Alone. I'm tired.
Thanksgiving was actually better than I expected, and I handled difficult situations well. I think I did well. Even the anxiety took a break and didn't make being in a roomful of people - with too many sounds (talking, football game on TV) and smells (food) - unbearable. I had persistent headaches, which kept me in bed for a time, but I still made an effort. Most people don't understand just how difficult that is. How much mental energy it takes to appear human. Appear well. When inside you know you're not.
When inside you're crying and sick and sad and numb. When you just want to curl up into a ball and shake...and breathe. Disappear from the world. Find peace. Or maybe it's the day when you want the pain. Because it's real and familiar and you deserve it. We don't always want to feel better, get better. Not everyday. Some days the pain is the only thing that we feel loves us, knows us. Accepts us, as broken as we are. Because it's always there...when no one else is. And happiness only comes to visit. Never stays permanently. I guess it's not meant to.
Today is not such a good day. I'm keenly aware that my grandparents were absent this year. It feels strange. It feels strange knowing that last year, at this time, was the start of the end. It's surreal. It's an emptiness with no ending. And I'm consciously aware of the fact that there are holes in my father's family as well. Didn't see my uncle and aunt much, but I feel the loss of. I loved them all. And I'm sorry that I couldn't do more. I would give you all I have.
So tired the past few days. Too many worries, not enough sleep. Yesterday I was detached from my emotions and felt numb. I don't like it. But in some ways it's better than 10,000 emotions at once. Today I'm feeling too much. Lost, confused, empty, scared. A lot to do. And I don't want to face it. I can't resolve it, can't solve it. Just keep it at bay a little longer and plan what to do.
Looking for a job. But hard finding the right path. I will not settle, I will not go back to what was. I think I'm old enough to do something that makes me happy, feel proud of myself. What's the point otherwise? Writing is special. I do want to continue it. But, through a different channel, I suppose. One that will pay me for my completed work, rather than me begging for enough page views from acquaintances. And falling short (one payment in 2 years, with 30+ articles? I just can't..). Music, art, fashion, networking, research, sales, management...it's all part of me. What requires my attention presently? Whose time is it? I'll have to find out. And still do what I do everyday. I work hard at the things I love. And I've made many wonderful friends. I like to help, I like to share. But I'd also like relief from this debt. I take the steps, I do what's necessary, contribute when possible. But I need more help. I need another option. I'll find it. Praying for strength.
I am thankful for anyone who reads my words with their heart and listens with their soul. Or tries to. Effort goes a long way with me. Just try.
Thanksgiving was actually better than I expected, and I handled difficult situations well. I think I did well. Even the anxiety took a break and didn't make being in a roomful of people - with too many sounds (talking, football game on TV) and smells (food) - unbearable. I had persistent headaches, which kept me in bed for a time, but I still made an effort. Most people don't understand just how difficult that is. How much mental energy it takes to appear human. Appear well. When inside you know you're not.
When inside you're crying and sick and sad and numb. When you just want to curl up into a ball and shake...and breathe. Disappear from the world. Find peace. Or maybe it's the day when you want the pain. Because it's real and familiar and you deserve it. We don't always want to feel better, get better. Not everyday. Some days the pain is the only thing that we feel loves us, knows us. Accepts us, as broken as we are. Because it's always there...when no one else is. And happiness only comes to visit. Never stays permanently. I guess it's not meant to.
Today is not such a good day. I'm keenly aware that my grandparents were absent this year. It feels strange. It feels strange knowing that last year, at this time, was the start of the end. It's surreal. It's an emptiness with no ending. And I'm consciously aware of the fact that there are holes in my father's family as well. Didn't see my uncle and aunt much, but I feel the loss of. I loved them all. And I'm sorry that I couldn't do more. I would give you all I have.
So tired the past few days. Too many worries, not enough sleep. Yesterday I was detached from my emotions and felt numb. I don't like it. But in some ways it's better than 10,000 emotions at once. Today I'm feeling too much. Lost, confused, empty, scared. A lot to do. And I don't want to face it. I can't resolve it, can't solve it. Just keep it at bay a little longer and plan what to do.
Looking for a job. But hard finding the right path. I will not settle, I will not go back to what was. I think I'm old enough to do something that makes me happy, feel proud of myself. What's the point otherwise? Writing is special. I do want to continue it. But, through a different channel, I suppose. One that will pay me for my completed work, rather than me begging for enough page views from acquaintances. And falling short (one payment in 2 years, with 30+ articles? I just can't..). Music, art, fashion, networking, research, sales, management...it's all part of me. What requires my attention presently? Whose time is it? I'll have to find out. And still do what I do everyday. I work hard at the things I love. And I've made many wonderful friends. I like to help, I like to share. But I'd also like relief from this debt. I take the steps, I do what's necessary, contribute when possible. But I need more help. I need another option. I'll find it. Praying for strength.
I am thankful for anyone who reads my words with their heart and listens with their soul. Or tries to. Effort goes a long way with me. Just try.
Monday, October 15, 2012
I don't know...
My brain is broken. That's what this feels like. Something's off...has been for awhile. More fractures? An effect of all the deaths the past year? It couldn't help but change me. How do you stop seeing endings everywhere and start to see the beginnings again? Life is here...not in my dreams, where they are.
October starts the fall. November, December, January. The anniversaries, more...so many more this year. I miss them. Does anyone understand how hard this is? Give me a reason. Please give me a reason to keep going. Not just because. Not someone else's reason, someone else's life, family. I NEED my own. And I'm so tired of people telling me why I shouldn't feel this way. What I should do. Shut up! You haven't had to do it. You haven't lived with these memories. You don't feel what's in MY heart. If you were in this situation, you would not accept it so readily. I know it. But you have it...so you're above me, giving advice, criticizing my choices. I'm not stupid, I'm not uneducated. I don't need you to tell me. This is my reality. You can't even see me.
I'm angry. Still angry. Hurt and sick and sad and tired. Blue withdrawal. Other things. I'm trying very very hard to be ok with this. Listening to the updates and not saying a word, being supportive. I want to tell her to stop telling me. I can't deal with this right now. I can't. Always watching? The one thing I want most, have wanted for so long, the one thing everyone says I'll be so good at...I'm already good at. But my place is in the background. Standing back and watching. Smiling and applauding. Do you think you want this more than me? Could you possibly? No. But it's your right, your place. Not mine. Because I'm alone. I've failed. I don't have those things. I'll always be wrong. So I say nothing. I don't like anyone to see me cry...
I can do this. I can do many things. Just remember the fire. And that other choice. It would hurt them and I've done so much in my life to avoid hurting them. To protect them, to save them. Maybe that is my only purpose on this earth...what I can do for others. What parts of myself to give. I have a lot of dreams. It's where I feel alive. Where anything is possible and I get to touch the things lost to me, out of my reach...just for awhile. I can feel it like it's real. It is real. It's all I have.
I tried. I always try. And I lose. Guys only want me when they think they know me. They have a fantasy idea of what I'm about. I don't know why they get it wrong so often. I don't pretend to be anything I'm not. The way I am when you meet me? That's the way I am. There may be situations where I'm more talkative or confident or...whatever. But I have different moods. I can't always be "up". Don't think that you know me when you haven't learned a thing about me. And don't assume you know what kind of person I am or the things I've faced in life. You have no clue. I have to stop feeling hurt and guilty when people's illusions about me get shattered. It's not my responsibility to be what they think I am. I have flaws, I have bad habits, I'm not always nice. I don't like being told what to do. I don't tell people all of my businesss when I first meet them. Do you know how long it takes for me to trust someone? I'm honest, but I'm still reserved. It doesn't have to be a bad thing anymore. If you're willing to work on things and be patient and get to know me, it would be worth it. Communication, effort. It takes so little, but those things are most valuable to me. I do a lot for so many. They come to me. They trust me. I trust so few. Betrayal, abandonment. Why should I trust those who left me behind. I rarely ask for anything. I rarely ask for help. Because I know the price I pay. I know in the end it comes down to me...I have to help myself. I'm the only one who is always there. I shouldn't have to be. Not always. Not always.
But what do I deserve? My answer's different than others'. But the result's the same.
My brain's broken. And I feel numb. Then too much. The too much, I'm used to. The emotionlessness and indifference is not me. It's like becoming a robot. Not that it's in there and I can't feel it. It doesn't even touch me. I don't feel. Which means I don't care. I like not caring about everyone else...but it's not normal for me. I don't know what it means. Changes in the moon, exhaustion, some break inside of me from trauma? My brain flipped after Aunt Star died. So why not more fractures to my soul after losing everyone else? Isn't that understandable? Just cause I'm coping, doesn't mean I'm not in pain every day. You can't always see everything that people are going through. And most can't even feel it. I feel it from them, my family. I know their pain. But I'm not their body and it's not my responsibility to experience it for them. I wish I could take it away. I wish that more than anything. And I always pray for their peace and protection and happiness. Some people pray for me...and I'm grateful. I need it. I really do. I hide so much that no one sees and I'm so so tired of talking about it. I'm just tired. Tired of holding on and letting go. Tired of believing...and seeing how it's all a lie. Tired of loving. So tired. Will any man be able to love me, knowing all that I am? Will anyone step forward and tell me they want me, to stay, in all the ways I need them? I have guy friends who accept me and understand me and (say they) love me. But I guess they never think of dating me...because they're silent when I ask if anyone's out there. They're silent. And I know the truth. Words are meaningless. But so much matters. Actions speak. If someone wanted to be with me, they'd be here. There's no one here. Therefore..
I'll live...until I can't anymore. Fade away. Like before. Does that scare you? I'm sorry, I just don't care. I can't make it all better for you. Can you make it all better for me? Will you even try? I'm angry. I'd rather be angry. And I need sleep.
No peace.
I take care of myself. But I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't. But. We live the life we have. I'm still alive. That's my doing. I saved myself. I owe no one. Soon I won't want anyone. And then I'll be safe. Maybe I'll even have a future. My way. God's way. I'm just tired.
11:11
October starts the fall. November, December, January. The anniversaries, more...so many more this year. I miss them. Does anyone understand how hard this is? Give me a reason. Please give me a reason to keep going. Not just because. Not someone else's reason, someone else's life, family. I NEED my own. And I'm so tired of people telling me why I shouldn't feel this way. What I should do. Shut up! You haven't had to do it. You haven't lived with these memories. You don't feel what's in MY heart. If you were in this situation, you would not accept it so readily. I know it. But you have it...so you're above me, giving advice, criticizing my choices. I'm not stupid, I'm not uneducated. I don't need you to tell me. This is my reality. You can't even see me.
I'm angry. Still angry. Hurt and sick and sad and tired. Blue withdrawal. Other things. I'm trying very very hard to be ok with this. Listening to the updates and not saying a word, being supportive. I want to tell her to stop telling me. I can't deal with this right now. I can't. Always watching? The one thing I want most, have wanted for so long, the one thing everyone says I'll be so good at...I'm already good at. But my place is in the background. Standing back and watching. Smiling and applauding. Do you think you want this more than me? Could you possibly? No. But it's your right, your place. Not mine. Because I'm alone. I've failed. I don't have those things. I'll always be wrong. So I say nothing. I don't like anyone to see me cry...
I can do this. I can do many things. Just remember the fire. And that other choice. It would hurt them and I've done so much in my life to avoid hurting them. To protect them, to save them. Maybe that is my only purpose on this earth...what I can do for others. What parts of myself to give. I have a lot of dreams. It's where I feel alive. Where anything is possible and I get to touch the things lost to me, out of my reach...just for awhile. I can feel it like it's real. It is real. It's all I have.
I tried. I always try. And I lose. Guys only want me when they think they know me. They have a fantasy idea of what I'm about. I don't know why they get it wrong so often. I don't pretend to be anything I'm not. The way I am when you meet me? That's the way I am. There may be situations where I'm more talkative or confident or...whatever. But I have different moods. I can't always be "up". Don't think that you know me when you haven't learned a thing about me. And don't assume you know what kind of person I am or the things I've faced in life. You have no clue. I have to stop feeling hurt and guilty when people's illusions about me get shattered. It's not my responsibility to be what they think I am. I have flaws, I have bad habits, I'm not always nice. I don't like being told what to do. I don't tell people all of my businesss when I first meet them. Do you know how long it takes for me to trust someone? I'm honest, but I'm still reserved. It doesn't have to be a bad thing anymore. If you're willing to work on things and be patient and get to know me, it would be worth it. Communication, effort. It takes so little, but those things are most valuable to me. I do a lot for so many. They come to me. They trust me. I trust so few. Betrayal, abandonment. Why should I trust those who left me behind. I rarely ask for anything. I rarely ask for help. Because I know the price I pay. I know in the end it comes down to me...I have to help myself. I'm the only one who is always there. I shouldn't have to be. Not always. Not always.
But what do I deserve? My answer's different than others'. But the result's the same.
My brain's broken. And I feel numb. Then too much. The too much, I'm used to. The emotionlessness and indifference is not me. It's like becoming a robot. Not that it's in there and I can't feel it. It doesn't even touch me. I don't feel. Which means I don't care. I like not caring about everyone else...but it's not normal for me. I don't know what it means. Changes in the moon, exhaustion, some break inside of me from trauma? My brain flipped after Aunt Star died. So why not more fractures to my soul after losing everyone else? Isn't that understandable? Just cause I'm coping, doesn't mean I'm not in pain every day. You can't always see everything that people are going through. And most can't even feel it. I feel it from them, my family. I know their pain. But I'm not their body and it's not my responsibility to experience it for them. I wish I could take it away. I wish that more than anything. And I always pray for their peace and protection and happiness. Some people pray for me...and I'm grateful. I need it. I really do. I hide so much that no one sees and I'm so so tired of talking about it. I'm just tired. Tired of holding on and letting go. Tired of believing...and seeing how it's all a lie. Tired of loving. So tired. Will any man be able to love me, knowing all that I am? Will anyone step forward and tell me they want me, to stay, in all the ways I need them? I have guy friends who accept me and understand me and (say they) love me. But I guess they never think of dating me...because they're silent when I ask if anyone's out there. They're silent. And I know the truth. Words are meaningless. But so much matters. Actions speak. If someone wanted to be with me, they'd be here. There's no one here. Therefore..
I'll live...until I can't anymore. Fade away. Like before. Does that scare you? I'm sorry, I just don't care. I can't make it all better for you. Can you make it all better for me? Will you even try? I'm angry. I'd rather be angry. And I need sleep.
No peace.
I take care of myself. But I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't. But. We live the life we have. I'm still alive. That's my doing. I saved myself. I owe no one. Soon I won't want anyone. And then I'll be safe. Maybe I'll even have a future. My way. God's way. I'm just tired.
11:11
Friday, September 28, 2012
One last time
It's what I want more than anything. If you know me, you know what that is. And how long it's been a necessity. But I'm starting to feel like no one knows me. They think they do, but they're just looking at a picture and have this image of who I should be...and I'm not. I go out of my way to explain...because I want to be understood. You don't have to agree with me, you can think my way is wrong or strange...but can you understand that it's important to me? That I'm trusting you with what's in my soul? It's not for you to take apart or scrutinize. Just listen. Just listen.
I feel...let down, offended, hurt. That anyone would think I could be so shallow. That that's how they see me? How they expect me to react? Maybe they didn't mean it that way, but that's what it implies. I was asking for help but all I got were lectures. From people who've never been through this -- who haven't had to. Because they lived that other life. The one I've never lived. I can't go backwards in time. I don't want their lives. I don't want what others have. When I say I want something, it's because my heart is calling out for it. Has nothing to do with anyone else. If something brings it to my mind, that's not the same as envying it. It's just a reminder of what I don't have...it's bringing the thought back to the forefront of my mind. It never left. If I say I NEED something...then it's a necessity, like breathing, like water. Like my arm...a part of me that's missing. You don't have to lose something to feel a loss. I have holes in my heart. I feel it. And I live with it. You don't have to understand. Just accept that I know myself. That what I feel is real to me.
I don't forget things. People see it as: I don't move on from the past, I don't let go. Well, I can't let go. I'm not like you. Accept it. Just accept me. Things mean a lot to me, I get very emotionally invested. It's who I am. It's what people like about me...when I'm there for them, listening to them, being patient and encouraging and sympathetic. People come to me all the time. People expect me to be like that...because I am. But when I'm in need, when I talk about what I want out of life, what I want to create...then I'm weak, complaining. As if I don't know what I need? As if I need to be told how to feel in this situation, what I need to be concentrating on? I'm just so sick of it. Really I am. People have the best intentions, but they have NO idea how much it hurts to be patronized that way. It's hypocritical isn't it? Can't you hear how it sounds when you gush on and on how important your kids are, how they saved you, how they're what you live for, how you can't imagine life without your best friend -- your husband, how blessed and lucky you are....and then tell me that I have to FIND something in my life to make me feel that way? To recreate, to REPLACE that...because I can't have what you have. I don't have it. I said I don't have it and I said I want it. But you tell me I can find something else to fulfill me the same. Doesn't anyone know how horribly offensive that is to hear? You could not say, that if you lost your children or your spouse that you could find something to replace them. Is there anything in this world that can take the place of or even come close to equalling the love of a child? The wonder and blessing and miracle of it? Do you really expect me to find some other little piece of *what?* that compares? Could you? Would you even try? And it would be enough...it should be enough for me? You have your family right there to hold and look at and experience. And I'm supposed to enjoy life alone. Or wait patiently until "my time". I am so sick of it. They really just don't get it. Because they haven't lived it. They lived their own timeline. Can't really compare, can't cross over. You had all of those things BEFORE you got to my age, it's not the same as me starting now. It's just not. Sorry.
And I can't explain, because I do that all the time and people still have no idea. I've said over and over and over and over and over....in different ways at different times. I'm an open book. But I'm written in invisible ink. I don't know. I don't know what else I can do. My life is documented. You can know who I am just by taking some time to look. Photos, posts, blog, notes, stories. But, I know. That's not what happens. I know. That's fine, I get it. But I don't want to explain anymore. I don't want to justify my feelings and thoughts and wants and needs. I don't want to prove that I'm sick or give a reason for being upset or depressed or tired. I don't want to have to keep telling people who I am. I want them to see me...know me. But I'm tired.
I'm angry. I'd rather be angry than upset. Because I don't want to talk about why I'm upset. It's no one's fault. It's just life. Just another life that I'm not a part of. It's hard for me. It will keep being hard for me as time moves on, as people build their lives, their families. And I stay here. Behind. On the outside looking in. I used to think there was something wrong with me, and maybe there is, that I was always different, never a part of things. Didn't experience the things most people do at certain points in life. I never quite caught up, you know. I just am not meant to. I know my place. I know the truth. Whether it's eternal punishment or it's simply not my purpose in this world, I can't have it. It's beyond difficult, beyond bad luck. It's getting so close, having things go right, being happy...then if falls off. Just gone. Every time? It's not usual. Not like this. I did nothing wrong. I tried very hard, I adapted, I went beyond myself. I was what I needed to be...and they liked me, they were attracted, they wanted to spend time with me. Then, that's not there. No date? Nothing? You won't even make a move? Just go find someone else? Or just leave. This isn't normal. This isn't the way things work in reality. But this is my world. I guess my friends thought I was turning guys down...because they weren't good-looking enough (when have I EVER done that to ANYONE???) or my type or interesting or what?? Someone who "looks like me" has to have guys lining up to be with her, right? So it must be me messing things up, being a snob. I'm not that judgemental. Isn't the reason everyone seeks me out and confides in me BECAUSE I don't judge them by what they look like or their job or what choices they made? Don't people say I'm kind and loving and I have a big heart for that very reason? Contradictions. But I guess the general concensus is that I must be doing something wrong if things aren't working out for me, ever. So tell me the ways I need to change, tell me what I need to try (as if I hadn't thought of it all already), tell me what you would do. Or tell me I need to stop thinking about it, it's not so important, find something else. Maybe they just don't want to hear it. Ok. But I know who I can confide in too.
I don't feel like being nice right now. I'm supremely tired of being nice. The good friend, the good daughter, the good sister. Doing what's right, what's fair, thinking about others. Doing for others. That is my purpose...what I can do for others. I really have no other use. Anything for myself is questioned, not thought to be important. Not understood. Brushed aside. Minor. Just fizzles out to nothingness. But I'm just a child complaining about a life she has not experienced. Wrong...I'm 34 and I've been through a lot. And I've let it be minimized, let myself believe that I have not been through as much as other people, that I'm not traumatized and jaded. But I'm an adult and I have seen more than they know. No one knows all that's inside of me. Even those who have been on my journey with me, who have watched me grow up, they don't know everything that's happened. I explain it, I let it out and people are surprised. Is it really so much? Could you really not see ANY of it? Yeah, I know...
I won't go back to what I was. And what it was didn't make me a better person. Some things in our past shouldn't be "what makes us who we are"...as if it's a good thing. Some things are not good and with that being inside us, we are not good. Don't some serial killers become that way because of traumas they faced as children? You can't say, well he went through that for a reason and it made him who he is...as if becoming a monster is in any way beneficial or deserving of existence. I know, just words, just things people say. But I don't just say things...everything means something. I say what I mean. I don't like empty words. I don't like to be patted on the head and consoled just to shut me up. I want people to understand. Just understand who I am right now. Let me scream, let me cry. Say it's ok. Understand that the one thing I want most is out of my grasp. Is given to another. Not mine. I'm just watching. With a smile. Because that's the way it has to be.
I don't feel better. I don't even feel like spell-checking. I'm tired, I haven't slept since yesterday afternoon. I was supposed to finish the Examiner article last night. Stuck. Tired, upset. I try not to think of it, but it keeps hitting me. I can't talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. It's heavy. And I have to keep watching. I really don't want to right now. People expect way too much of me. Expect me to take it all in, and not show it. Be happy for. To deal with it...and if I can't, I'm weak. God, I hate it here. Please get me out of here. I don't expect miracles from this, from anything anyone can do to help me. I appreciate the help...she's the only one who was willing to try. Not just talk. But even if I meet someone, they won't stay. It's not allowed. If I didn't know better, I'd think someone was calling them up and warning them off. "Don't let yourself like this girl, leave now. Everything you said to her, everything you felt or promised, it doesn't exist anymore. Just walk away as if it never happened." And they do. It's beyond my control. I've tried everything. It's just not meant for me. I didn't do anything wrong. I was just made wrong.
"Victory of the people"...that's what my name means. I'm meant to save them. Not myself. I just pray that you'll let me rest soon. I just pray. That one day I'll have done enough of my duties on this earth, and You'll grant me peace. True peace. Because I'm so very tired. But I don't like to give up.
Can't be strong forever. I don't want to be. But I want to be loved forever. Love.
But someone has to choose me. And that...well...
I feel...let down, offended, hurt. That anyone would think I could be so shallow. That that's how they see me? How they expect me to react? Maybe they didn't mean it that way, but that's what it implies. I was asking for help but all I got were lectures. From people who've never been through this -- who haven't had to. Because they lived that other life. The one I've never lived. I can't go backwards in time. I don't want their lives. I don't want what others have. When I say I want something, it's because my heart is calling out for it. Has nothing to do with anyone else. If something brings it to my mind, that's not the same as envying it. It's just a reminder of what I don't have...it's bringing the thought back to the forefront of my mind. It never left. If I say I NEED something...then it's a necessity, like breathing, like water. Like my arm...a part of me that's missing. You don't have to lose something to feel a loss. I have holes in my heart. I feel it. And I live with it. You don't have to understand. Just accept that I know myself. That what I feel is real to me.
I don't forget things. People see it as: I don't move on from the past, I don't let go. Well, I can't let go. I'm not like you. Accept it. Just accept me. Things mean a lot to me, I get very emotionally invested. It's who I am. It's what people like about me...when I'm there for them, listening to them, being patient and encouraging and sympathetic. People come to me all the time. People expect me to be like that...because I am. But when I'm in need, when I talk about what I want out of life, what I want to create...then I'm weak, complaining. As if I don't know what I need? As if I need to be told how to feel in this situation, what I need to be concentrating on? I'm just so sick of it. Really I am. People have the best intentions, but they have NO idea how much it hurts to be patronized that way. It's hypocritical isn't it? Can't you hear how it sounds when you gush on and on how important your kids are, how they saved you, how they're what you live for, how you can't imagine life without your best friend -- your husband, how blessed and lucky you are....and then tell me that I have to FIND something in my life to make me feel that way? To recreate, to REPLACE that...because I can't have what you have. I don't have it. I said I don't have it and I said I want it. But you tell me I can find something else to fulfill me the same. Doesn't anyone know how horribly offensive that is to hear? You could not say, that if you lost your children or your spouse that you could find something to replace them. Is there anything in this world that can take the place of or even come close to equalling the love of a child? The wonder and blessing and miracle of it? Do you really expect me to find some other little piece of *what?* that compares? Could you? Would you even try? And it would be enough...it should be enough for me? You have your family right there to hold and look at and experience. And I'm supposed to enjoy life alone. Or wait patiently until "my time". I am so sick of it. They really just don't get it. Because they haven't lived it. They lived their own timeline. Can't really compare, can't cross over. You had all of those things BEFORE you got to my age, it's not the same as me starting now. It's just not. Sorry.
And I can't explain, because I do that all the time and people still have no idea. I've said over and over and over and over and over....in different ways at different times. I'm an open book. But I'm written in invisible ink. I don't know. I don't know what else I can do. My life is documented. You can know who I am just by taking some time to look. Photos, posts, blog, notes, stories. But, I know. That's not what happens. I know. That's fine, I get it. But I don't want to explain anymore. I don't want to justify my feelings and thoughts and wants and needs. I don't want to prove that I'm sick or give a reason for being upset or depressed or tired. I don't want to have to keep telling people who I am. I want them to see me...know me. But I'm tired.
I'm angry. I'd rather be angry than upset. Because I don't want to talk about why I'm upset. It's no one's fault. It's just life. Just another life that I'm not a part of. It's hard for me. It will keep being hard for me as time moves on, as people build their lives, their families. And I stay here. Behind. On the outside looking in. I used to think there was something wrong with me, and maybe there is, that I was always different, never a part of things. Didn't experience the things most people do at certain points in life. I never quite caught up, you know. I just am not meant to. I know my place. I know the truth. Whether it's eternal punishment or it's simply not my purpose in this world, I can't have it. It's beyond difficult, beyond bad luck. It's getting so close, having things go right, being happy...then if falls off. Just gone. Every time? It's not usual. Not like this. I did nothing wrong. I tried very hard, I adapted, I went beyond myself. I was what I needed to be...and they liked me, they were attracted, they wanted to spend time with me. Then, that's not there. No date? Nothing? You won't even make a move? Just go find someone else? Or just leave. This isn't normal. This isn't the way things work in reality. But this is my world. I guess my friends thought I was turning guys down...because they weren't good-looking enough (when have I EVER done that to ANYONE???) or my type or interesting or what?? Someone who "looks like me" has to have guys lining up to be with her, right? So it must be me messing things up, being a snob. I'm not that judgemental. Isn't the reason everyone seeks me out and confides in me BECAUSE I don't judge them by what they look like or their job or what choices they made? Don't people say I'm kind and loving and I have a big heart for that very reason? Contradictions. But I guess the general concensus is that I must be doing something wrong if things aren't working out for me, ever. So tell me the ways I need to change, tell me what I need to try (as if I hadn't thought of it all already), tell me what you would do. Or tell me I need to stop thinking about it, it's not so important, find something else. Maybe they just don't want to hear it. Ok. But I know who I can confide in too.
I don't feel like being nice right now. I'm supremely tired of being nice. The good friend, the good daughter, the good sister. Doing what's right, what's fair, thinking about others. Doing for others. That is my purpose...what I can do for others. I really have no other use. Anything for myself is questioned, not thought to be important. Not understood. Brushed aside. Minor. Just fizzles out to nothingness. But I'm just a child complaining about a life she has not experienced. Wrong...I'm 34 and I've been through a lot. And I've let it be minimized, let myself believe that I have not been through as much as other people, that I'm not traumatized and jaded. But I'm an adult and I have seen more than they know. No one knows all that's inside of me. Even those who have been on my journey with me, who have watched me grow up, they don't know everything that's happened. I explain it, I let it out and people are surprised. Is it really so much? Could you really not see ANY of it? Yeah, I know...
I won't go back to what I was. And what it was didn't make me a better person. Some things in our past shouldn't be "what makes us who we are"...as if it's a good thing. Some things are not good and with that being inside us, we are not good. Don't some serial killers become that way because of traumas they faced as children? You can't say, well he went through that for a reason and it made him who he is...as if becoming a monster is in any way beneficial or deserving of existence. I know, just words, just things people say. But I don't just say things...everything means something. I say what I mean. I don't like empty words. I don't like to be patted on the head and consoled just to shut me up. I want people to understand. Just understand who I am right now. Let me scream, let me cry. Say it's ok. Understand that the one thing I want most is out of my grasp. Is given to another. Not mine. I'm just watching. With a smile. Because that's the way it has to be.
I don't feel better. I don't even feel like spell-checking. I'm tired, I haven't slept since yesterday afternoon. I was supposed to finish the Examiner article last night. Stuck. Tired, upset. I try not to think of it, but it keeps hitting me. I can't talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. It's heavy. And I have to keep watching. I really don't want to right now. People expect way too much of me. Expect me to take it all in, and not show it. Be happy for. To deal with it...and if I can't, I'm weak. God, I hate it here. Please get me out of here. I don't expect miracles from this, from anything anyone can do to help me. I appreciate the help...she's the only one who was willing to try. Not just talk. But even if I meet someone, they won't stay. It's not allowed. If I didn't know better, I'd think someone was calling them up and warning them off. "Don't let yourself like this girl, leave now. Everything you said to her, everything you felt or promised, it doesn't exist anymore. Just walk away as if it never happened." And they do. It's beyond my control. I've tried everything. It's just not meant for me. I didn't do anything wrong. I was just made wrong.
"Victory of the people"...that's what my name means. I'm meant to save them. Not myself. I just pray that you'll let me rest soon. I just pray. That one day I'll have done enough of my duties on this earth, and You'll grant me peace. True peace. Because I'm so very tired. But I don't like to give up.
Can't be strong forever. I don't want to be. But I want to be loved forever. Love.
But someone has to choose me. And that...well...
Monday, September 3, 2012
Too many fish: If I'm such a good catch, why am I always getting thrown back in?
Revisiting old times...not always a bad thing. But bittersweet. Found an ex online. Needed to see him, to see if he was still "him". To know how I felt now. Just through pictures...he looks the same. And I remember. The good part of me, the fun we had, the sweetness he brought out. I was different then. I'm different now. I knew that I no longer loved him, haven't been in love with him for a decade. But I'll always love him for what he was to me. I had to see what else was left. Not much. Neither of us have a part in that life anymore...he doesn't belong in mine and I don't belong in his. I'm genuinely happy for him and the life he's made for himself, his family. I won't touch them. I want no harm to befall them. He doesn't need to know that I'm here. And I have to leave it all in the past. Where it still exists.
Because it's not always about finding the "right person". It has to be the right time and you both have to want the same things at the same time. Doesn't mean they're the "wrong person" or that love is any less meaningful than what's between married couples or other relationships. The only difference is, we have to learn to live without the most important person in our life. Saying that the relationship was never right just because it's over is like saying it never happened, erasing the past, all the good memories and happiness never existed because bad stuff happened later. That's not what I want. I make choices based on what's right for me at the time (through feelings & intuition) - it's not a mistake, it's what I needed then. Mistakes in action, in the way I reacted or handled a situation, yes, I'm sorry. Maybe I should have gotten out of relationships sooner or just given up instead of fighting to make things work or was less clingy, but I did all I could do and I'm satisfied with that. That's who I am. They can have the regrets.
My first love was not perfect but he was perfect for me. A lot of things happened that proved that. It was a like a fairytale or a dream (his words). But it wasn't the right time, we were too young, we wanted different things. Two years in college and then long distance when he moved back home for a job...didn't work. I wanted more, he wanted less. But that doesn't mean it was wrong. It doesn't mean I didn't love him as much as my parents love each other or my sister & brother-in-law do or my friends. They just got to keep theirs. Their other half. I had to move on....and I did. Took years and I still have never met anyone more decent, funny, caring, with an amazing personality than him. He is one of the best people I have ever known. He was "home". And the only time I slept peacefully, the only time I felt safe and accepted. Those experiences couldn't be bought and those memories will always be special. He's married now and I don't know the person he's become, but no one can tell me that time wasn't real because we didn't end up together. No one gets to touch that. Life doesn't always work the way it's supposed to no matter what you do. But us single people shouldn't have to be made to believe that our past was a failure and we have to keep searching for the "right one". Love is hard. Complicated. I love the feeling of it, the connection, the strength it brings to my soul. I'm a better person when I love. But having it taken away, having to love on your own and block the pain is the most debilitating experience. That hole doesn't go away, you just learn how to breathe around it. Who wants to keep going through that with a new person? Not me. But that's me.
Just thinking of him because of "September"...Earth, Wind & Fire playing through my head. The month we met and one of his favorite singing groups. He was so old school, jazz man. Musician. College days are long over but they changed who I was, showed me a better place. More opportunities for a good life.
I dated. I fell in love again...with someone who was not so good for me. But I wasn't good for him either. Love/hate, the highest highs and the lowest lows. But he was my best friend...we got that part right. We had a special bond, an understanding. He had the greatest laugh. But...he didn't need me enough and I needed him too much. I lost him the same week I lost my job. I was devastated. That time, my heart was broken. But I moved on. And I thank him for believing in me and helping me find my courage.
I dated.
I don't fall in love easily or quickly. I'm very cautious and it takes a long time to trust. But once I'm there, I'm there for the long haul. I'll fight for us to be, I'll adapt and compromise and work hard to make it work. If you're in my heart, you'll always be in my heart...even if you're no longer in my life.
I'm a realist and I look toward the future. I need stability and loyalty and commitment. And a man who values that...and makes me feel. It's what I need. It's what I need.
Because it's not always about finding the "right person". It has to be the right time and you both have to want the same things at the same time. Doesn't mean they're the "wrong person" or that love is any less meaningful than what's between married couples or other relationships. The only difference is, we have to learn to live without the most important person in our life. Saying that the relationship was never right just because it's over is like saying it never happened, erasing the past, all the good memories and happiness never existed because bad stuff happened later. That's not what I want. I make choices based on what's right for me at the time (through feelings & intuition) - it's not a mistake, it's what I needed then. Mistakes in action, in the way I reacted or handled a situation, yes, I'm sorry. Maybe I should have gotten out of relationships sooner or just given up instead of fighting to make things work or was less clingy, but I did all I could do and I'm satisfied with that. That's who I am. They can have the regrets.
My first love was not perfect but he was perfect for me. A lot of things happened that proved that. It was a like a fairytale or a dream (his words). But it wasn't the right time, we were too young, we wanted different things. Two years in college and then long distance when he moved back home for a job...didn't work. I wanted more, he wanted less. But that doesn't mean it was wrong. It doesn't mean I didn't love him as much as my parents love each other or my sister & brother-in-law do or my friends. They just got to keep theirs. Their other half. I had to move on....and I did. Took years and I still have never met anyone more decent, funny, caring, with an amazing personality than him. He is one of the best people I have ever known. He was "home". And the only time I slept peacefully, the only time I felt safe and accepted. Those experiences couldn't be bought and those memories will always be special. He's married now and I don't know the person he's become, but no one can tell me that time wasn't real because we didn't end up together. No one gets to touch that. Life doesn't always work the way it's supposed to no matter what you do. But us single people shouldn't have to be made to believe that our past was a failure and we have to keep searching for the "right one". Love is hard. Complicated. I love the feeling of it, the connection, the strength it brings to my soul. I'm a better person when I love. But having it taken away, having to love on your own and block the pain is the most debilitating experience. That hole doesn't go away, you just learn how to breathe around it. Who wants to keep going through that with a new person? Not me. But that's me.
Just thinking of him because of "September"...Earth, Wind & Fire playing through my head. The month we met and one of his favorite singing groups. He was so old school, jazz man. Musician. College days are long over but they changed who I was, showed me a better place. More opportunities for a good life.
I dated. I fell in love again...with someone who was not so good for me. But I wasn't good for him either. Love/hate, the highest highs and the lowest lows. But he was my best friend...we got that part right. We had a special bond, an understanding. He had the greatest laugh. But...he didn't need me enough and I needed him too much. I lost him the same week I lost my job. I was devastated. That time, my heart was broken. But I moved on. And I thank him for believing in me and helping me find my courage.
I dated.
I don't fall in love easily or quickly. I'm very cautious and it takes a long time to trust. But once I'm there, I'm there for the long haul. I'll fight for us to be, I'll adapt and compromise and work hard to make it work. If you're in my heart, you'll always be in my heart...even if you're no longer in my life.
I'm a realist and I look toward the future. I need stability and loyalty and commitment. And a man who values that...and makes me feel. It's what I need. It's what I need.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Slowly
Things are bad. They could have been good. I was really trying to be better. But it's all relative, isn't it? Better than what? The last five years? The last three? The past 7 months? Stupidly I thought I could handle this...living here. But I knew. I don't think I'll survive it this time. I don't know if it matters if I do.
I'm always wrong. The things I do, the way I feel, the thoughts I think. I'm told to stop. Always stop. It's not normal, it's not their way. But no matter what I do, the right way is always opposite. Tell me to speak up, say what I feel...but then tell me what I feel is wrong, stop that, you can't dwell on it. But I do. I am made this way...I hurt, I worry. But I can't stop just because it's bad or not how I'm supposed to be. Who am I? I don't have an identity. I am what you made me. But it's still my fault. I can't win. I should feel no pain. But that's all this brings. I'm not right. It's killing me slowly, just like before. My fault. Always my fault. I have to save me. But what's worth saving? I'm so tired.
Xanax is clouding my mind. I needed it. One and a half. Sleeping pills leftover in my system. Maybe I can sleep the day away. To get to tomorrow. I could have done it. Been pretty & flirty and made him want me again. I wanted more time with him. I just wanted to go & have fun & laugh & dance. I was ready. But I don't have the strength. And my car needs fixed -- not my fault. But I'm not allowed to feel upset about it. Worried that I'll be trapped here.
"If you fail, at least you tried." I always try. But sometimes you have to let go, give up. Because there's nothing left to try for. I'm a failure in other ways. I can't win.
I want to see him again...I pray that we're still on good terms. But I might have to walk away. I'm scared that things will be bad. I'm not meant to have that kind of life. A living one. Happiness. I try to explain, but they can't hear me. I am who I am.
I need help. But I don't think anyone can save me. I'm meant to do it on my own. But sometimes I need someone there. But I can't. I'm sorry. I'm tired.
No one really knows me. Or they would understand. My cousin's daughter died. Hung herself a few days ago. She was only 11...bullied, probably so much more. I didn't know her, maybe saw her once or twice. But I can understand her. If I had the courage back then..
They don't understand. Maybe more people will listen now. Not brush it aside. They don't want to know...so children suffer. It's not serious enough. But it is, for us.
I pray for her soul to be at peace.
I pray for mine too.
I pray. Please save me. Keep them safe.
I'm always wrong. The things I do, the way I feel, the thoughts I think. I'm told to stop. Always stop. It's not normal, it's not their way. But no matter what I do, the right way is always opposite. Tell me to speak up, say what I feel...but then tell me what I feel is wrong, stop that, you can't dwell on it. But I do. I am made this way...I hurt, I worry. But I can't stop just because it's bad or not how I'm supposed to be. Who am I? I don't have an identity. I am what you made me. But it's still my fault. I can't win. I should feel no pain. But that's all this brings. I'm not right. It's killing me slowly, just like before. My fault. Always my fault. I have to save me. But what's worth saving? I'm so tired.
Xanax is clouding my mind. I needed it. One and a half. Sleeping pills leftover in my system. Maybe I can sleep the day away. To get to tomorrow. I could have done it. Been pretty & flirty and made him want me again. I wanted more time with him. I just wanted to go & have fun & laugh & dance. I was ready. But I don't have the strength. And my car needs fixed -- not my fault. But I'm not allowed to feel upset about it. Worried that I'll be trapped here.
"If you fail, at least you tried." I always try. But sometimes you have to let go, give up. Because there's nothing left to try for. I'm a failure in other ways. I can't win.
I want to see him again...I pray that we're still on good terms. But I might have to walk away. I'm scared that things will be bad. I'm not meant to have that kind of life. A living one. Happiness. I try to explain, but they can't hear me. I am who I am.
I need help. But I don't think anyone can save me. I'm meant to do it on my own. But sometimes I need someone there. But I can't. I'm sorry. I'm tired.
No one really knows me. Or they would understand. My cousin's daughter died. Hung herself a few days ago. She was only 11...bullied, probably so much more. I didn't know her, maybe saw her once or twice. But I can understand her. If I had the courage back then..
They don't understand. Maybe more people will listen now. Not brush it aside. They don't want to know...so children suffer. It's not serious enough. But it is, for us.
I pray for her soul to be at peace.
I pray for mine too.
I pray. Please save me. Keep them safe.
Friday, July 6, 2012
My inside voice
Pseudo-mania. That's what I'm going to call this. I don't fit the criteria for bipolar mania. Maybe some anxiety symptoms mimic it...that feeling when you feel like there are a million things moving around inside of you. I can feel it running through my blood. But I can feel that when I take Tylenol too...and can tell when it's wearing off. Maybe that's hyper-sensitivity or hyper-vigilence or something. But the anxiety increases my sensory perception (or reception?). Everything's too loud, lights are too bright, smells make me sick. I get headaches. I have to get out of the room, away from people. The sounds literally echo in my head. I don't want to feel like that. I don't want anyone to touch me. Sometimes sleep helps...sometimes it's all I can do to escape. But I can't escape my mind. I can't quiet my head. Even in sleep there are dreams. Which brings stress and sadness and fear. Sometimes the only good thing about being asleep is that I'm not awake.
Medications help. Sleep aids work better than nothing at all. But nothing lasts very long. Even if I don't fight sleep, even if I'm exhausted, I can't stay under for more than 3 or 4 hours at a time. At the most, 6 or 7. But I can't remember the last time that happened...maybe a year ago. And 2 years since this sleep pattern. I don't need much sleep, but I need more than that. I take naps during the day. I can't sleep at night at all right now. Part of Seasonal Affective Disorder; I need sunlight to function. Usually doesn't happen much in the summer months, but it goes on a cycle. October is the real fall.
I have my music, my videos, my close friends & family. Support, comfort. I try very hard to do my best to be a good friend. But I have to walk away. From some...
Let us all be free.
Medications help. Sleep aids work better than nothing at all. But nothing lasts very long. Even if I don't fight sleep, even if I'm exhausted, I can't stay under for more than 3 or 4 hours at a time. At the most, 6 or 7. But I can't remember the last time that happened...maybe a year ago. And 2 years since this sleep pattern. I don't need much sleep, but I need more than that. I take naps during the day. I can't sleep at night at all right now. Part of Seasonal Affective Disorder; I need sunlight to function. Usually doesn't happen much in the summer months, but it goes on a cycle. October is the real fall.
I have my music, my videos, my close friends & family. Support, comfort. I try very hard to do my best to be a good friend. But I have to walk away. From some...
Let us all be free.
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