I feel...let down, offended, hurt. That anyone would think I could be so shallow. That that's how they see me? How they expect me to react? Maybe they didn't mean it that way, but that's what it implies. I was asking for help but all I got were lectures. From people who've never been through this -- who haven't had to. Because they lived that other life. The one I've never lived. I can't go backwards in time. I don't want their lives. I don't want what others have. When I say I want something, it's because my heart is calling out for it. Has nothing to do with anyone else. If something brings it to my mind, that's not the same as envying it. It's just a reminder of what I don't have...it's bringing the thought back to the forefront of my mind. It never left. If I say I NEED something...then it's a necessity, like breathing, like water. Like my arm...a part of me that's missing. You don't have to lose something to feel a loss. I have holes in my heart. I feel it. And I live with it. You don't have to understand. Just accept that I know myself. That what I feel is real to me.
I don't forget things. People see it as: I don't move on from the past, I don't let go. Well, I can't let go. I'm not like you. Accept it. Just accept me. Things mean a lot to me, I get very emotionally invested. It's who I am. It's what people like about me...when I'm there for them, listening to them, being patient and encouraging and sympathetic. People come to me all the time. People expect me to be like that...because I am. But when I'm in need, when I talk about what I want out of life, what I want to create...then I'm weak, complaining. As if I don't know what I need? As if I need to be told how to feel in this situation, what I need to be concentrating on? I'm just so sick of it. Really I am. People have the best intentions, but they have NO idea how much it hurts to be patronized that way. It's hypocritical isn't it? Can't you hear how it sounds when you gush on and on how important your kids are, how they saved you, how they're what you live for, how you can't imagine life without your best friend -- your husband, how blessed and lucky you are....and then tell me that I have to FIND something in my life to make me feel that way? To recreate, to REPLACE that...because I can't have what you have. I don't have it. I said I don't have it and I said I want it. But you tell me I can find something else to fulfill me the same. Doesn't anyone know how horribly offensive that is to hear? You could not say, that if you lost your children or your spouse that you could find something to replace them. Is there anything in this world that can take the place of or even come close to equalling the love of a child? The wonder and blessing and miracle of it? Do you really expect me to find some other little piece of *what?* that compares? Could you? Would you even try? And it would be enough...it should be enough for me? You have your family right there to hold and look at and experience. And I'm supposed to enjoy life alone. Or wait patiently until "my time". I am so sick of it. They really just don't get it. Because they haven't lived it. They lived their own timeline. Can't really compare, can't cross over. You had all of those things BEFORE you got to my age, it's not the same as me starting now. It's just not. Sorry.
And I can't explain, because I do that all the time and people still have no idea. I've said over and over and over and over and over....in different ways at different times. I'm an open book. But I'm written in invisible ink. I don't know. I don't know what else I can do. My life is documented. You can know who I am just by taking some time to look. Photos, posts, blog, notes, stories. But, I know. That's not what happens. I know. That's fine, I get it. But I don't want to explain anymore. I don't want to justify my feelings and thoughts and wants and needs. I don't want to prove that I'm sick or give a reason for being upset or depressed or tired. I don't want to have to keep telling people who I am. I want them to see me...know me. But I'm tired.
I'm angry. I'd rather be angry than upset. Because I don't want to talk about why I'm upset. It's no one's fault. It's just life. Just another life that I'm not a part of. It's hard for me. It will keep being hard for me as time moves on, as people build their lives, their families. And I stay here. Behind. On the outside looking in. I used to think there was something wrong with me, and maybe there is, that I was always different, never a part of things. Didn't experience the things most people do at certain points in life. I never quite caught up, you know. I just am not meant to. I know my place. I know the truth. Whether it's eternal punishment or it's simply not my purpose in this world, I can't have it. It's beyond difficult, beyond bad luck. It's getting so close, having things go right, being happy...then if falls off. Just gone. Every time? It's not usual. Not like this. I did nothing wrong. I tried very hard, I adapted, I went beyond myself. I was what I needed to be...and they liked me, they were attracted, they wanted to spend time with me. Then, that's not there. No date? Nothing? You won't even make a move? Just go find someone else? Or just leave. This isn't normal. This isn't the way things work in reality. But this is my world. I guess my friends thought I was turning guys down...because they weren't good-looking enough (when have I EVER done that to ANYONE???) or my type or interesting or what?? Someone who "looks like me" has to have guys lining up to be with her, right? So it must be me messing things up, being a snob. I'm not that judgemental. Isn't the reason everyone seeks me out and confides in me BECAUSE I don't judge them by what they look like or their job or what choices they made? Don't people say I'm kind and loving and I have a big heart for that very reason? Contradictions. But I guess the general concensus is that I must be doing something wrong if things aren't working out for me, ever. So tell me the ways I need to change, tell me what I need to try (as if I hadn't thought of it all already), tell me what you would do. Or tell me I need to stop thinking about it, it's not so important, find something else. Maybe they just don't want to hear it. Ok. But I know who I can confide in too.
I don't feel like being nice right now. I'm supremely tired of being nice. The good friend, the good daughter, the good sister. Doing what's right, what's fair, thinking about others. Doing for others. That is my purpose...what I can do for others. I really have no other use. Anything for myself is questioned, not thought to be important. Not understood. Brushed aside. Minor. Just fizzles out to nothingness. But I'm just a child complaining about a life she has not experienced. Wrong...I'm 34 and I've been through a lot. And I've let it be minimized, let myself believe that I have not been through as much as other people, that I'm not traumatized and jaded. But I'm an adult and I have seen more than they know. No one knows all that's inside of me. Even those who have been on my journey with me, who have watched me grow up, they don't know everything that's happened. I explain it, I let it out and people are surprised. Is it really so much? Could you really not see ANY of it? Yeah, I know...
I won't go back to what I was. And what it was didn't make me a better person. Some things in our past shouldn't be "what makes us who we are"...as if it's a good thing. Some things are not good and with that being inside us, we are not good. Don't some serial killers become that way because of traumas they faced as children? You can't say, well he went through that for a reason and it made him who he is...as if becoming a monster is in any way beneficial or deserving of existence. I know, just words, just things people say. But I don't just say things...everything means something. I say what I mean. I don't like empty words. I don't like to be patted on the head and consoled just to shut me up. I want people to understand. Just understand who I am right now. Let me scream, let me cry. Say it's ok. Understand that the one thing I want most is out of my grasp. Is given to another. Not mine. I'm just watching. With a smile. Because that's the way it has to be.
I don't feel better. I don't even feel like spell-checking. I'm tired, I haven't slept since yesterday afternoon. I was supposed to finish the Examiner article last night. Stuck. Tired, upset. I try not to think of it, but it keeps hitting me. I can't talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. It's heavy. And I have to keep watching. I really don't want to right now. People expect way too much of me. Expect me to take it all in, and not show it. Be happy for. To deal with it...and if I can't, I'm weak. God, I hate it here. Please get me out of here. I don't expect miracles from this, from anything anyone can do to help me. I appreciate the help...she's the only one who was willing to try. Not just talk. But even if I meet someone, they won't stay. It's not allowed. If I didn't know better, I'd think someone was calling them up and warning them off. "Don't let yourself like this girl, leave now. Everything you said to her, everything you felt or promised, it doesn't exist anymore. Just walk away as if it never happened." And they do. It's beyond my control. I've tried everything. It's just not meant for me. I didn't do anything wrong. I was just made wrong.
"Victory of the people"...that's what my name means. I'm meant to save them. Not myself. I just pray that you'll let me rest soon. I just pray. That one day I'll have done enough of my duties on this earth, and You'll grant me peace. True peace. Because I'm so very tired. But I don't like to give up.
Can't be strong forever. I don't want to be. But I want to be loved forever. Love.
But someone has to choose me. And that...well...
No comments:
Post a Comment