Revisiting old times...not always a bad thing. But bittersweet. Found an ex online. Needed to see him, to see if he was still "him". To know how I felt now. Just through pictures...he looks the same. And I remember. The good part of me, the fun we had, the sweetness he brought out. I was different then. I'm different now. I knew that I no longer loved him, haven't been in love with him for a decade. But I'll always love him for what he was to me. I had to see what else was left. Not much. Neither of us have a part in that life anymore...he doesn't belong in mine and I don't belong in his. I'm genuinely happy for him and the life he's made for himself, his family. I won't touch them. I want no harm to befall them. He doesn't need to know that I'm here. And I have to leave it all in the past. Where it still exists.
Because it's not always about finding the "right person". It has to be the right time and you both have to want the same things at the same time. Doesn't mean they're the "wrong person" or that love is any less meaningful than what's between married couples or other relationships. The only difference is, we have to learn to live without the most important person in our life. Saying that the relationship was never right just because it's over is like saying it never happened, erasing the past, all the good memories and happiness never existed because bad stuff happened later. That's not what I want. I make choices based on what's right for me at the time (through feelings & intuition) - it's not a mistake, it's what I needed then. Mistakes in action, in the way I reacted or handled a situation, yes, I'm sorry. Maybe I should have gotten out of relationships sooner or just given up instead of fighting to make things work or was less clingy, but I did all I could do and I'm satisfied with that. That's who I am. They can have the regrets.
My first love was not perfect but he was perfect for me. A lot of things happened that proved that. It was a like a fairytale or a dream (his words). But it wasn't the right time, we were too young, we wanted different things. Two years in college and then long distance when he moved back home for a job...didn't work. I wanted more, he wanted less. But that doesn't mean it was wrong. It doesn't mean I didn't love him as much as my parents love each other or my sister & brother-in-law do or my friends. They just got to keep theirs. Their other half. I had to move on....and I did. Took years and I still have never met anyone more decent, funny, caring, with an amazing personality than him. He is one of the best people I have ever known. He was "home". And the only time I slept peacefully, the only time I felt safe and accepted. Those experiences couldn't be bought and those memories will always be special. He's married now and I don't know the person he's become, but no one can tell me that time wasn't real because we didn't end up together. No one gets to touch that. Life doesn't always work the way it's supposed to no matter what you do. But us single people shouldn't have to be made to believe that our past was a failure and we have to keep searching for the "right one". Love is hard. Complicated. I love the feeling of it, the connection, the strength it brings to my soul. I'm a better person when I love. But having it taken away, having to love on your own and block the pain is the most debilitating experience. That hole doesn't go away, you just learn how to breathe around it. Who wants to keep going through that with a new person? Not me. But that's me.
Just thinking of him because of "September"...Earth, Wind & Fire playing through my head. The month we met and one of his favorite singing groups. He was so old school, jazz man. Musician. College days are long over but they changed who I was, showed me a better place. More opportunities for a good life.
I dated. I fell in love again...with someone who was not so good for me. But I wasn't good for him either. Love/hate, the highest highs and the lowest lows. But he was my best friend...we got that part right. We had a special bond, an understanding. He had the greatest laugh. But...he didn't need me enough and I needed him too much. I lost him the same week I lost my job. I was devastated. That time, my heart was broken. But I moved on. And I thank him for believing in me and helping me find my courage.
I dated.
I don't fall in love easily or quickly. I'm very cautious and it takes a long time to trust. But once I'm there, I'm there for the long haul. I'll fight for us to be, I'll adapt and compromise and work hard to make it work. If you're in my heart, you'll always be in my heart...even if you're no longer in my life.
I'm a realist and I look toward the future. I need stability and loyalty and commitment. And a man who values that...and makes me feel. It's what I need. It's what I need.
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