Blowing in the wind

I need to start believing again. Believing that things will work out. That all the pieces will come together. That there's a future out there for me -- one filled with love and joy and companionship. That maybe I'll get married and have a child. Or in the present time -- find a man who's brave enough to stand with me and face that uncertain future. The future's not promised to anyone...we all run out of time. I want to get a dog. Adopt a child if I can't have one of my own, on my own. Visit Ireland, hang out with my friends in Texas. Maybe there's a home there for me...I don't know. Spend time with my girls in Utah. Watch my nephew grow up. Help where I can...make someone happy.

There are lifetimes to be experienced, foreign worlds to be discovered. Lots of good things in my life. I can see them. I can feel them. I know I am loved. I love very much.

But the fear. For my family, for loss, for death. I honestly don't know why I haven't had a breakdown yet. It's been too much, for too long. I shouldn't be sane. Am I?

It's hard to look forward to a future that you know will be empty of the people (and animals) you love most. The love doesn't stop. You love them as if they're still there. You look for them everywhere. You expect them. But you know they are gone forever. They will never come back -- no matter how hard you pray, no matter how much you cry or barter or beg. THEY WILL NEVER COME BACK. And me...I look at my family and I want to save them, spare them the pain. It goes inside of me no matter what I do. That's a given. But I can do nothing. Nothing. As much as I have to give, as intuitive as I am -- I don't have that power. There's so much I can't see. And so, I'm here with them. Waiting for the other shoe to drop...and trying to survive in the midst of all those that have already fallen from the sky. We're drowning...and no one can see.

But, I have to be here now. Keep going, knowing that eventually I'll lose everyone I love. Wondering what's the point of it all. Is it worth it? Why should we have to live in pain and suffer unbearably? Depression, anxiety, physical pains. No one even knows. I'm here.

I want...something. It's right there. And so am I. I have to wait...or let go. I don't give up, but sometimes I just have to let go and walk away. I have to take care of my needs, my sanity. I need more. I deserve better. And it's possible. I see it. What was, what is, what could be. It's there. I just wish he could see it too. See me. Want me. Choose me. Now. Take me with you on your journey. I could be good for you. I think I could.

But I walk alone. I sleep alone, I grieve alone. You can't fill up the round holes with square pegs. You can't substitute one person for another. They all have their place -- for me, inside. If they're gone, that place is empty. That hole won't be filled with someone else, something new. As grateful as I am for ALL the blessings in my life, they will NEVER take the place of what was lost. Or what has not come into my life yet. There are holes, empty spaces waiting. Reserved for a specific thing. Nothing can replace, nothing else compares. I see it, I feel it. I KNOW what I need. No one else does.

If other people don't understand or feel that way, they don't have to. But don't tell me how to live or what worked for you or what I'm doing wrong. I follow my heart -- it tells me the truth. About my life. And the only one who knows all of the secrets is me.

I'm trying. I feel like I'm failing, but I'm trying. I just have to live how I live and block the pain so I can breathe. It always comes back. One second, one second at a time.

Transitions

I have been strong. I have endured. I am alive.

I've lost so much this past year. My family has lost so much. Too many gone, too soon. And the past 2 months...both of my grandparents. My mother is very strong. My aunts, my uncles. My father is very strong. I hurt for them more than I hurt for myself. But I hurt.

I miss my dog, my aunt, my coworker...friends. They'll always be in our hearts, I suppose. In our memories. I have great people in my life getting me through this. Helping me - just by being there, or by understanding. Not telling me what I should feel or what I should do. Not criticizing or looking down on me for not doing what's expected or normal. Just letting me be...and letting me know they're there. I don't trust easily -- there are reasons for that. But I do love easily. And I'm steady.

I guess I have my doctor to thank for prescribing something that helps me cope with all of this. We all need help sometimes. It doesn't mean you're weak. And the ones who tell you that you are, don't know the true meaning of strength. Everyone has worth. Even if you can't see it in yourself, know that it's there. It's so easy to believe the negative...to let those we love define who we are. Because we care about what they think, what they feel about us. We want to please them. We love them and we want to be the best for them. I need to be better to myself.

The light of hope, the ray of sunshine that brings happiness to my darkest day is my nephew. I love him more than I could ever describe. He is joy...that blue-eyed baby boy. He is pure love. We all love him. I'd give anything to him. For him. Always.

Blue October, 'Leverage', my hamster...I find things that comfort. Music is who I am. But I am so many things.

Can you handle it?

And now the life that I knew for 7 years is almost over. Time to move on. Feels like time moving backwards. I don't want to be there...I'm afraid of what it will make me become. Again. I may live in the past too much in my mind, but I don't want to actually live in the past. But...c'est la vie. For now. Rest, recuperate. And maybe more. Maybe...?

I want more...a life worth living. My own family.

"Don't give me songs....Give me something to sing about."

O.M.W.F

Unpretty

"If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad." -- Lord Byron

I forgot. When I go away, live somewhere else, I forget what it feels like to be here. I had to remember what it felt like...to know what I have to do. This place is unhealthy for me, toxic. It always was and no matter how much people change...they don't really change, as a whole. So much division. Settling, making the best of it. Just dealing with it. Why wouldn't you want more? I wanted more...

My intuition is very strong. And accurate. It tells me what I should and shouldn't do. By feeling. Or a rational decision. Maybe that part's not intuition, maybe just being educated/intelligent enough to remember & use facts. I used to read a lot and I like to learn new things. I like to KNOW things. I what's right for me...or what's wrong. I just know. No explanation. And I'm tired of people arguing with me about how I feel. Like it's not real because they can't understand it or have a different opinion or think I should be/live a certain way. They are MY emotions. Right or wrong, good or bad, smart or stupid. They exist inside of me and all anyone has to do is accept them. Respect me. We don't choose feelings...they happen.

We don't choose where we're born, where we grow up. Where we go to school. The past shapes us and sometimes it's hard to leave it behind. Things pop up when you least expect them. You can't really be free. Not truly. It's part of me, I know. This place. But I'm not the girl who left before. I'm the woman who found herself, conquered so many obstacles. And yet, I'll never be what I'm not. The standard of beauty is different here...and I'll never feel beautiful. Dressed up, make-up, hair - I should be one of the pretty girls. But I'm just a Black girl. Not an option.

I know this. I've lived this. Ugly, invisible, just made wrong. Can't fit in with people "like me"...because I'm not like them. Not enough. They don't remember. I can't forget. It's a sick feeling, rather than a sharp pain. Feelings of down...falling so far down. You don't even want to look at yourself. You disgust yourself. That's the way I lived. Well, not lived...I was just there. I'm here again. Not permanently, not yet. I don't know how I can do this. It's a bad place for me.

But...not yet. There's still time. I can ignore this and be myself. Through knowing. I remember now. And the people who matter most appreciate me. They see me...and I'm okay. They tell me I'm beautiful, are happy to see me, talk to me, hug me. I'm okay. I started to believe it, I guess. Expect it. Feeling safe & comfortable, just a person who loves music. All music. I belong there. There. But here, I don't belong. They stare, try to figure "us" out. Don't speak. I hate it. But is it worse than being ignored, having them look right through you when your standing right in front of them? They can't meet your eye. You're different. In Eastern PA I don't feel different. It's a better atmosphere for me. It is. It just feels...safe. It's not "home", but that doesn't exist anymore (the person, the relationship is gone). I don't know if it's a PLACE for me. I just know that my heart has to be in it. In everything. It's not.

It's 2012 now. A new year, new beginning. Austin? I don't know. But I have to find my way or lose it all. Give me something to believe in.

You have my gratitude.

The Dark and the Light

I want to write about something happy. I really do. But I'm not happy, and that would be worse than pretending; that would be false. My world keeps being shaken, turned upside down. I don't even know if I feel the events separately anymore. Just a continuing, lasting numbness with periods of intense grief. I'm trying not to think about it, trying not to cry. Because I know the pain that will come...and I'm afraid that once I start, I'll never stop. I don't like to cry in front of anyone. My family has rarely seen it since I was a teenager. And it would take a complete meltdown or catastrophic event for me to show someone I don't know well my tears. I'm an emotional person and talk about feelings more than facts. That's true. But I keep a lot to myself. I hold back, stay quiet...and deal with it on my own. Alone. No one knows. I protect the people I love from myself. And protect myself from the questions and criticism and lack of understanding. Or I just need space and I hide in my shell. I can shut down, keep my face blank and be calm. It's protection, so I can cope and deal with what needs to be done. But it's not indifference. Because I feel TOO much and I need a way to get through it. I can't lose control. Not me.

I don't want to play the victim. I don't want to blame others or get defensive when I feel attacked. I don't want to hurt anyone. But I have. Not on purpose. If someone hurts me in some way, I just want them to understand MY pain. I don't seek revenge. And this is my life. It's not a game. I don't make up the rules...I just keep trying to survive it.


I have life. And I am grateful for so many things. I'm not trying to waste it. I'm trying to be worthy of it. Make a positive difference in this world. But so often I think of what they (those who are lost) would do with it. That's the thing...I know who has it worse, and I would do anything to take away their pain. I can't help but feel it. And those who have no life left...I would give them mine. Because I love them. And I want them to have all they deserve, more life.

But they're gone. Never to return. That's the hardest part - the finality of it, the gone forever. I miss them all...and I can't let go. How can he be gone? Why is she not on this earth? She belongs here. I can't believe he's gone. It's Christmastime. It gets harder every year...more holes. We're left with only the memories. But...we have no choice. We deal. Keep moving on.

Happiness? Blue October tour in the spring. Friends who love me. Family that wants me around. Helps. I do my best. And here I am. In the sun...

Christmas Presence

I'm going to try to stay in the present for this one. Talk about how I feel now, today, about things happening in my life. Maybe not specifics...because this is just for me. To get it out. I tried to keep it in, keep it to myself. Away from those who would worry. Away from those who would use it against me. Trust is so very fragile, so easily broken. Sometimes there are only cracks - a misstep, a harsh word. Those fractures can be mended...with work. But if the entire thing is shattered, there's no coming back from that. Not for me. And those that I've hurt - I'm truly sorry. I've tried to forgive...and I mean you no harm. But if I can't have you in my life anymore, there's a reason. You hurt me...and it still hurts, right now. You betrayed me, used my weaknesses or my secrets against me for your own purposes...and I can't forget that. You abandoned me because I didn't do what you wanted or didn't change enough or in some way did not fit your image of me. And I can't live like that. Those are my reasons. There are always reasons. I say what I mean. And I react to others' actions...and my own emotions. I never said it was good.

This isn't supposed to be an explanation for anyone. I still have this need to be understood. For someone to say, "Oh, I see why you acted like that, why those words upset you. It makes sense to me too." I have to stop it. I've learned a lot. And the pain is still with me. I can talk about it because this is my blog, my page. My property. As is my Facebook page. No one has the right to tell me what I should or shouldn't post. I have my reasons. And I'll explain it to you if you ask. Explanations. You'd think people would know me by now. How many actually see ME?

It can't matter. The future's unseen and the past has seen too much. Where am I right now? Afraid. Afraid that my grandfather is going to die...because the nursing home will just do the minimum to keep him "comfortable" rather than leave the I.V. in him until he starts eating again. It's not their decision! My mom will fight...I know that. You don't give up - you do Everything you can to help, to heal, to fix. If you can't do anything more physically, you pray. You don't just stop in the middle. You DON'T give up on someone you love.

I understand that death is a part of life. That it's inevitable for all of us. That at times we even want it. No more pain, no more fighting a losing battle. To gain peace & freedom. I know. And I know that no matter how much medical care or prayers, people & animals still die. My birthday wish was for my dog to be healthy...and she died on my birthday. I know that was the only way for God to make her whole again. I know that. And I gave her my day...it was all I had left to give. And despite the sadness in knowing she spent her last hours alone in that hospital, I'm glad my parents didn't have to make the decision to put her to sleep. Only the decision resuscitate her. Keep trying til the end. I love her and I want her back. But my dog is gone. And life is not the same.

It's hard finding hope in this world...seeing what the world has become. What's the point of striving for a future when you know it will be filled with pain? A better life? What if this is as good as it gets? I keep trying...but I can't see the sunshine yet. I'm grateful for what I have and those in my life. I just need to know that I matter as much. Maybe I'll never have someone who puts me first, who is willing to do whatever it takes to be with me. Maybe all I'll ever get is pieces, limits, conditions...never whole. But maybe I can have the life I want. It's possible..

I have to let this out. Because it's what's torturing me now. I'm afraid. Terrified that what happened last year will happen this year. That he'll pop up and smack me down again. I'm waiting & waiting for the next slap. It's coming. It always comes, doesn't it? Maybe not him. Maybe one of the others. Some people enjoy watching others fall. Cry, be beaten. With words. It hurts as much as fists. There's always someone...every year. It's Christmas. And I have to fall apart. The 29th is hard enough - for all of us. Why did I need that? Is it always those we love who hurt us the most? Not out of anger...out of glee. Power. I said I'd leave him alone, I apologized for my part in it. He came after me. Do you remember? The words on my page. I remember the words on his. Do you understand? Do you understand how I'm not me like this? I'm part of the cycle now. I want my friend back. And I'm terrified of him. Would he laugh? Or would he be sorry? I can't look at him. I'm sorry. This makes me weak...and I hate being weak. I will get past this. But God, please protect me. I don't think I could survive it again.

And this is why I don't trust. Why I pull away from those who truly love me. The few who have proven that they can be counted on - ALWAYS. I love you. I do. I give you my heart and all the praises in the world. You know I'd do anything for you. I'd take away your pain, give you my life. I keep your secrets, protect you. And you, so many of you have kept mine. But. But I know it's possible for those you trust most to turn on you. For those who said they'd never leave you to find something better. Everyone goes away...eventually. Even me. I should not be relied on for all the answers, the support, the help. I won't be there. I can't anymore. I'll disapoint you. Or maybe I'll go away and start taking care of myself instead of everyone else. Put me first. Then I'll be the one who abandons. I'll stop promoting...stop posting for all. Because you don't even SEE me. That's how it feels. My perspective...on the expectations of friendship. But maybe I'm wrong. I don't understand human nature so much. I'm not needed anymore? When my usefulness is gone? You know my name. It matters to me - that you acknowledge me, don't forget me. I want to be seen. Not just one place...all places. As a person. For who I am. It matters. But I'll live without it. Because that's what I do. For the good of the people. Keep my needs quiet. I won't be here forever. But they'll live on. All of my love to you all.

I miss...him. And that's another story that had to end. I pray for peace for him. Lots of hockey fun. I remember.

I have other fears, worries. Pushed to the back of my mind at the moment. Guess I couldn't stay completely in the present after all. I don't have that ability. Can't forget a single thing. Can't keep hoping & wishing. I'm a realist...I hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

And maybe I should say nothing at all. It helps to write. Here, not in a journal. But this won't be forever. It all ends sometime. I'm here for now. Hold on to me while you can. I need it.


I have so much to do.

As I lay...

As I lie here in my childhood bed, in my childhood room, waiting for sleep to take me...I'm thinking of how much has changed. In my life, certainly, and in life in general. I'm not the person I was. Many of us aren't. Things change you...some for good, some for bad. And I can't say it was worth it. That if it hadn't happened, I wouldn't be who I am now. I don't want to be who I am now. I want to be better. Some things just have no reason.

Went to visit my grandparents yesterday. I want to cry. Already exhausted from the worries, the sicknesses. Anxiety. Driving. Hospitals. Elevators. He was sleeping...not alert, not who I know him to be. So small, so old.

I'm too tired write any more.

Milestones

I don't feel like being honest or baring my soul. I give too much away. Many give back, but...why isn't it enough for more than a moment? Or a few hours, or a day? It's like I need to constantly be refilled with compassion and attention and approval. Although, I figured out, it's not really approval that I need (because I'm going to do what I want no matter what anyone else says). It's acknowledgment. A need to be seen and heard and accepted. To try to relate to me and understand. Believe that what I feel is real and serious for me. That no matter how stupid or crazy it sounds, they won't laugh at me.

I have high expectations about things. I try hard. I think people are worth the effort. I think feeling content with your life and making time for the people you care for is more important than money or a career or anything else. I believe that having a child is the greatest gift ever known...and nothing supersedes that. But that's how I feel. What is true for me. I'm very possessive and protective and hold on tightly to things that are important to me. Emotions rule me and that's what connects me to every object in my life. Things will always matter, I will always love. Losing it is a death. I exert so much control in order to PREVENT something bad from happening. Because I know how I'll feel if it does. I don't exaggerate...there are reasons. Being forgotten or replaced or betrayed is a devastation I cannot describe. I want too much. I feel inferior. Not jealousy, but insecurity. Fear. Confusion - why them and not me? Sometimes there's no reason. But I need a reason. I don't understand people. I suppose most don't understand me.

But I try. I always try harder than the last. Don't give up. Am I strong? I guess. But for how much longer? Does anyone even understand how much this hurts? Day by day. If you can say that every day's a blessing, then you've never been cursed. If you can say that life is a gift and be grateful that you woke up this morning, then you don't really know what it feels like to be dead inside...to feel it leaking out, trying to smother you. Is that a gift? Take it back. There's peace in sleep. Sometimes. You don't know. But WE do. This is how we exist, cope. Live. And you think us weak...

I don't have the energy to take care of everyone else anymore. I'm having the bad day...why are YOU crying? Why do I have to console you and tell you I'm ok to make YOU feel better? Tired of the guilt, pushing myself too hard, getting sick. I'm not responsible for anyone else's emotions or reactions. I'm sorry if you worry about me. I'm sorry I can't be what you expect or want. But I worry too, about everyone. I'm just told to stop. I can't. I want to feel better. It doesn't feel better. No more pretending. I can't protect you from me. I downplay situations a lot. Only say what needs to be said. Vulnerable - and I say too much. No one has seen me at my lowest...I'm not online then, phone off. I can't write, don't want to speak. Barely breathe. What you see is me on the way up. Scary? *shrug* That's just life, right? Not everyone can handle it. Please walk away or take a break...don't criticze and make it worse. Or pat me on the head and say it will be ok (it's NOT and you can't make that promise). Please just listen. Be there - prove it. Don't test me or push my buttons. I will push back. And then you'll hate me. But I'm tired of being the nice one. The giver, forgiver. Always there no matter what anyone says or does to me...good or bad. That's what people believe, and I let them. I let myself be relied on and used. Because I cared about them. I expected the same loyalty back. But it doesn't exist. And somehow I'm the bad guy if I don't take them back. If I shut them out, there's a reason. And they know it. They just don't think what they did was wrong enough. It was. I can't trust. You showed your true self...and I believe it now. Actions speak. But I don't hate anyone.

I can forgive, I can let things go. If you apologize, show remorse, accept my willingness to work things out. If I can look at the situation differently or get past it for ME. For my own healthiness. Then it can end well. I did that. I forgave and let go - all in the course of a night. So I could feel better and enjoy the show (& of course the apology helped later). But it wasn't about that. I felt the way I felt and I had to acknowledge it, accept it, decide not to let it use me, and get past it. Nothing goes away, nothing forgets. But everything doesn't have to hurt forever.

I can't change myself. I can change parts of me. Improve, adapt. But I'll always be me inside. Parts that no one will ever get to see. We all have secrets don't we? I keep them. That won't change. Some things are too important, some lines should never be crossed. It's all about right and wrong in the end. I'm not always good...but I'm not often bad. Don't look at just one side of me...or you'll be disappointed. I'd give you the moon, but "I'm worth more than the stars." I have to know that I matter.

So, milestones. The biggest one was achieving a weight goal...getting to a number I hadn't reached in almost 5 years. Since my aunt died. But I'm still up and down. Well, maybe I'll get my curves back again. Not that I had them long to begin with. But it was nice. When you've always been skinny, with clothes that didn't fit, maybe you can't see that as beautiful. The way other people do. I'll admit, someone who's healthy and in shape is physically attractive. But underweight is not healthy. I want a womanly figure. So...

The concerts, many musicians. Proud. Blue Blue Blue. Yeah. Friends. Being appreciated. Thank you. Seeing one of my favorite actors in person...watching him do something that makes him truly happy. So many good memories. The writing paid. I worked harder than most people know...without a job.

Some bad ones too. Deaths, sickness, financial failure. My own issues. But...graceful dancing still.

Let's have the rest of the year be better than those past, huh?


Happy Holidays??