Transitions

I have been strong. I have endured. I am alive.

I've lost so much this past year. My family has lost so much. Too many gone, too soon. And the past 2 months...both of my grandparents. My mother is very strong. My aunts, my uncles. My father is very strong. I hurt for them more than I hurt for myself. But I hurt.

I miss my dog, my aunt, my coworker...friends. They'll always be in our hearts, I suppose. In our memories. I have great people in my life getting me through this. Helping me - just by being there, or by understanding. Not telling me what I should feel or what I should do. Not criticizing or looking down on me for not doing what's expected or normal. Just letting me be...and letting me know they're there. I don't trust easily -- there are reasons for that. But I do love easily. And I'm steady.

I guess I have my doctor to thank for prescribing something that helps me cope with all of this. We all need help sometimes. It doesn't mean you're weak. And the ones who tell you that you are, don't know the true meaning of strength. Everyone has worth. Even if you can't see it in yourself, know that it's there. It's so easy to believe the negative...to let those we love define who we are. Because we care about what they think, what they feel about us. We want to please them. We love them and we want to be the best for them. I need to be better to myself.

The light of hope, the ray of sunshine that brings happiness to my darkest day is my nephew. I love him more than I could ever describe. He is joy...that blue-eyed baby boy. He is pure love. We all love him. I'd give anything to him. For him. Always.

Blue October, 'Leverage', my hamster...I find things that comfort. Music is who I am. But I am so many things.

Can you handle it?

And now the life that I knew for 7 years is almost over. Time to move on. Feels like time moving backwards. I don't want to be there...I'm afraid of what it will make me become. Again. I may live in the past too much in my mind, but I don't want to actually live in the past. But...c'est la vie. For now. Rest, recuperate. And maybe more. Maybe...?

I want more...a life worth living. My own family.

"Don't give me songs....Give me something to sing about."

O.M.W.F