Unpretty

"If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad." -- Lord Byron

I forgot. When I go away, live somewhere else, I forget what it feels like to be here. I had to remember what it felt like...to know what I have to do. This place is unhealthy for me, toxic. It always was and no matter how much people change...they don't really change, as a whole. So much division. Settling, making the best of it. Just dealing with it. Why wouldn't you want more? I wanted more...

My intuition is very strong. And accurate. It tells me what I should and shouldn't do. By feeling. Or a rational decision. Maybe that part's not intuition, maybe just being educated/intelligent enough to remember & use facts. I used to read a lot and I like to learn new things. I like to KNOW things. I what's right for me...or what's wrong. I just know. No explanation. And I'm tired of people arguing with me about how I feel. Like it's not real because they can't understand it or have a different opinion or think I should be/live a certain way. They are MY emotions. Right or wrong, good or bad, smart or stupid. They exist inside of me and all anyone has to do is accept them. Respect me. We don't choose feelings...they happen.

We don't choose where we're born, where we grow up. Where we go to school. The past shapes us and sometimes it's hard to leave it behind. Things pop up when you least expect them. You can't really be free. Not truly. It's part of me, I know. This place. But I'm not the girl who left before. I'm the woman who found herself, conquered so many obstacles. And yet, I'll never be what I'm not. The standard of beauty is different here...and I'll never feel beautiful. Dressed up, make-up, hair - I should be one of the pretty girls. But I'm just a Black girl. Not an option.

I know this. I've lived this. Ugly, invisible, just made wrong. Can't fit in with people "like me"...because I'm not like them. Not enough. They don't remember. I can't forget. It's a sick feeling, rather than a sharp pain. Feelings of down...falling so far down. You don't even want to look at yourself. You disgust yourself. That's the way I lived. Well, not lived...I was just there. I'm here again. Not permanently, not yet. I don't know how I can do this. It's a bad place for me.

But...not yet. There's still time. I can ignore this and be myself. Through knowing. I remember now. And the people who matter most appreciate me. They see me...and I'm okay. They tell me I'm beautiful, are happy to see me, talk to me, hug me. I'm okay. I started to believe it, I guess. Expect it. Feeling safe & comfortable, just a person who loves music. All music. I belong there. There. But here, I don't belong. They stare, try to figure "us" out. Don't speak. I hate it. But is it worse than being ignored, having them look right through you when your standing right in front of them? They can't meet your eye. You're different. In Eastern PA I don't feel different. It's a better atmosphere for me. It is. It just feels...safe. It's not "home", but that doesn't exist anymore (the person, the relationship is gone). I don't know if it's a PLACE for me. I just know that my heart has to be in it. In everything. It's not.

It's 2012 now. A new year, new beginning. Austin? I don't know. But I have to find my way or lose it all. Give me something to believe in.

You have my gratitude.