Don't break me

"I want to shape the world to fit the way you move."

The problem is, everyone wants me to change to fit their world, their lifestyle. And I don't fit. I can't say I want anyone to change to be like me and feel what I feel...but if they could just put themselves in my place, see through my eyes, maybe they could understand. Instead of telling me what to do based on what they would do, actually listen to what's going on in my life and help me figure out what I should do for myself. Or just be there. I don't need solutions or advice or to be fixed. I need to know that people aren't going to leave me because I'm not worth the effort. And I know that some already have.

I can't worry about those who have gone. Not anymore. I can't worry about trying to please everyone or how they react to what I say/think/do. I have to stop feeling guilty when I don't take their "advice" or get defensive when they criticize or get hurt when they put me down. Everyone says it says more about them than it does about me when people say cruel things. Maybe so. I know a lot of people deny or hide how they feel, or fake it to appear happy. But I'm the one who has to hear it, read the words, look at the empty spaces. I can't be what you want, so instead of talking to me and working things out, you just leave? Or talk about me behind my back?

I'm tired. I don't feel well and I don't want to talk to anyone. This is the longest I've felt like that...where I've been angry and frustrated and so irritated by the smallest things. Xanax barely covers the pain, barely blocks the thoughts. I relax and then get anxious again. It's not depression though, although I am very low. But it's this dissatisfaction with my life. Disappointment in myself and others. I'm very sad about last weekend...I know I could have gone if things were different. If I could have just sat in the car while someone else drove -- I would have made it through the concert, made it through the night. But to do it all myself was just too much. Just too much. And it makes me look so weak and helpless because no one really understands how difficult driving is for me -- not physically, but emotionally. Just because I have my own car and drive everywhere on my own, just because I'm a careful driver and don't let the panic get to me, doesn't mean it's not still there. It's all still there.

And the weight thing...

I just want people to understand that this is real. That what I'm going through is real. I'm not trying to be "emo" or get attention or whining. Maybe it sounds like complaining, but when I vent, it's to get the negative out. No one has to read it. No one has to pretend to be my friend. If you don't like what I say or how I am, stay away. There's no need to be cruel, no need to call me crazy or treat me like my "flaws" will rub off on you if you get too close. I'm not a form of entertainment, I'm not here for you to watch me rise and fall. I'm not here for all you can take and then when my usefulness is done, you throw me away. I'm a person, with feelings. You want me to be happy? Be a friend, be there. Not at your convenience, not because you feel it's a chore that must be done, but because you care, because I matter.

I'll never live up to everyone's expectations, I'll never be "normal". I'll probably never live up to my own expectations because they're so high and I constantly try to improve and want so much out of life. But I do have things I'm proud of, things I've accomplished. Maybe that intimidates people, makes them feel inferior. I am strong despite my weaknesses. I try hard.

But I don't hate anyone. I don't make fun or put people down or say cruel things to watch them suffer. I don't like to make people upset or uncomfortable. I apologize if I do. I try to make things right. I confront people and if I'm mad at you, you'll know it. I argue...maybe that's not usual conversation for others, but that's how I grew up. I don't smile to someone's face and pretend to be their best friend while hating them behind their back. I'm not that good of an actress and it would just make me sick to do it. I can be civil, I can be polite, but you won't get my heart if I don't like you. If you treat me badly or hurt someone I love, you'll never be trusted. I don't trust words anymore, I don't believe all the affection. Because it can change in an instant. I don't understand people like that. But it's everywhere...and we're all getting hurt by it.

There's nothing I can say to change things, to make someone accept or understand if they don't want to. Or simply can't. I keep assuming that just because someone is a Blue October fan, that they'll understand what I'm going through or already know about the symptoms and struggles of mental illness. But they don't...some just don't feel it, don't connect it to their own lives. Even those who have health issues themselves or have been through similar situations can't understand why I can't get better, why I don't just do what they did and get over it. Get past it. Why I can't just change my ways or think positively or be happy. It doesn't work like that. I've tried. I've changed. And I'm still me after all these years. I didn't choose this. Maybe it's easier to stay where it's low because it's more familiar. But I constantly break free and try to rise above. People see that. They just forget when I fall again. When we all fall. There are so many of us struggling and hurting and all we want is to be acknowledged, to be believed and accepted as people. We can't be like you, we didn't choose this. We don't want to be this way. But we are. Like the color of our skin or the shape of our eyes, this is who we are. You can mask it, you can hide it, you can pretend that it's not there...but it doesn't go away. Talking about it, writing about it, singing about it, whatever, that doesn't make it go away either. It lessens the pain, it helps with the healing, but it doesn't change our DNA.

Not to say that there aren't people who do recover from depression, who do get better permanently. It may take years or a special treatment. So give us time. Let us find our way.

Sometimes all we want is someone to walk beside us in silence...

Untitled...and unending

I just feel...so sad. But I don't have the strength to write. Been working so hard. On the job searching, making sure it's all accurate on the form for UC. I need more time. I write articles every week. Started as 3 a week...then 2. Now just on Fridays. Saturday this week. So tired. Updating my Blue group page on FB, trying to keep up with all the news, all the action on Twitter, on 101X. I pushed myself too hard, sacrificed my health. And I paid. People probably think I'm so stupid for not eating, for complaining about being underweight. It's an "abnormal" thing, like being quiet. "Just talk"...now "Just eat". As if food is the problem, as if my voice was the problem. It's about confidence...and now control. Not an eating disorder -- I don't fit that profile because it's not a body image issue. I don't want to be skinny, never did. But always was. It's genetics. And when I lose my appetite...due to meds or stress or not taking breaks, it's my way to self-harm. My punishment, stress eating me alive -- literally. Do you know what that feels like? Not just hunger. A deep pain, aches, shakes, my body suffers. I let it happen. Because...I need pain. I don't know how to be happy. It doesn't feel familiar and I can never stay there. I never stay up.

I keep reading about Bipolar and wondering if I'm slightly manic. I know the terms, the different types, but I'm too tired to focus that much. I'm not manic. I overwork, I push too hard -- myself and others. I just see so much ahead, so much that can be...and I have the drive to make it happen. I don't care about myself to stop achieving my goals. I need to have a purpose, I need to be productive. I never let sickness or depression or pain stop me before. And I passed out at work, I threw up in drawing class, I had breakdowns in meetings. I don't want to be like that anymore. Control. So much control. I need it. I need to be in control now. Let no one tell me how to be...or not be.

God, I'm just so frustrated. With myself, with the world, with life. I'm tired of words. I'm tired of people not following through on what they say. I'm alone. Is there anything more than what's going on now that proves that? They all want to meet me, hang out with me. But...not now? I'm giving freely...take it. I'm asking for too much. I want the kind of friend that I am. Always there, no matter what. Being there even if I don't want to, if I have my own problems. Because they need me...just to be there. I'm sick of being that friend. Because I'm not allowed to expect it from anyone else. It's so wonderful that I'm the way I am, right? They all say. But why do they deserve to be treated like that...why do they deserve my loyalty and time and kindness. Who really deserves my love? I give my all. The whole thing. But all I get back are pieces. There are conditions, limits. Priorities...and I'm just not. I know. I know this. It's always been like this, since I was a kid. I know that "that" isn't my life, I'm not "that" girl. I'm just not. And all the nice words don't prove that I matter enough. That I'm special enough. That I'm worth the time, the sacrifice. That I might need to come first.

I have to let go of this. This idea that I can be like them, that I can have what other people have -- the simple things. I don't need much...but what I need is too much. And I'm tired of the words. I'm tired of letting my guard down and believing, expecting. Hope. I can't give up hope, but I have to turn away. I have to accept my place. How I hate that phrase. But I do have a place...and I've been fighting it forever...wishing on stupid stars, praying. Prayers are ok. As long as I pray for others or pray for my own protection, safety. I have to do my duties. What I was created for. Because there's a reason. And I've always known it. And it's not what anyone on the outside wants for me. But it's all I can give. Give. Victory of the people. That's my purpose.

I love Blue. I love the people I've met. I'm grateful to have reconnected with old friends. I'm thankful for the memories. Even the friends lost...or changed. They were friends once, they did care. But, things change. And I hurt. But that's my life too. I feel too much. One day maybe I'll get that ulcer. Right now I just have anxiety.

I can do this on my own. Live. I just don't want to. Who really wants to be alone...not just by themselves, but alone? All the friends in the world, all the family support can't cure this. I'm different...and I'm lost. I keep going and going until there's not more road left. I have nothing more than that.

I'm down. I'm tired. I want to cry.
But I can do this. I'll do the things I want. I'm capable. Doesn't mean I should have to. But I do. They're all taken away from me...not because I don't deserve it, but because I'm not supposed to have it. I'm meant for something else. More? In a different way, maybe. But not the more I want. But we don't always get what we want.

I want to go see the Parlotones next Saturday. Thank you for letting me win the contest. Two free tickets (well, 2 places on the guest list). I really want to go. I found a solution to the driving problem...to make the trip shorter. But parking? I know what the street looks like (research, maps). I'll try to remain calm. If I go. Have to see how I feel, physically and emotionally. I know I'll feel guilt if I don't go. I was given a gift and didn't use it. But I'm not obligated...and I just have to do what I need to do. I just wish things were a little bit different. A companion was all I needed. But I'm alone.

I have to pull away. That's the hardest thing to do. But I have to go back to the fire, the me in the aftermath. I want to not care anymore. I want to be mean. I want to take and not give back. Not say thank you, not go out of my way to show someone I support them, that I remember what's special to them. People do that for me. I can't say there aren't great things, great people, great moments. But it's not enough. I always need more -- too much. Why doesn't it seem like too much for me?

"Just wake up in the morning. That's all you have to do, and I'll take it from there..." Can someone love me past MY pain? No more words. Give me proof.

I'll finish watching the movie...and try to wind down. My body wants to move but my mind is tired. My back hurts, my legs hurt. I do a lot. More than people see. I'm not lazy, I'm not weak. I'm just now where I want to be. Is this where I should be? I suppose. If you believe in that. I believe in a lot of things. Miracles, true love, angels, ghosts. But I also see the evil, the cruelness, the lies. And I hate living in a world like that. It's getting harder. Every day it gets harder...because time marches on. Who knew I'd ever get here? This old? But I did. I'm protected. I'm necessary...for purposes. I just have to live with that. Acceptance. As much as I hate it. And I'll keep going until I don't.

I'm tired. And I'll regret this. I want to cry every night because I open myself, give myself, the words come out of me. I have to replenish. Night's are so hard...

I'll go on.


*No edit*

Blogging is good for your health

My most recently published article. Enjoy!

Blogging is good for your health - Philadelphia Social Networking | Examiner.com

It's not you, it's me

"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want." - Dan Stanford

"Well-behaved women rarely make history." - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich


Today can be considered an "up" day, I suppose. It didn't start off that way...restless sleep as usual, worries, thoughts, guilt, hurt. But I'm trying to look at things from a different perspective. It's hard. Hard to train myself to go against the way I've always been, break old habits. I feel like I'm fighting against myself -- the me inside is trying to drag the other me back to safety. Because "down" is safe and comfortable and familiar (see my poem "Home").

But the meds keep me balanced...in that middle place. And I'm too stubborn to stay down for long, too ambitious not to want to improve and succeed. Too much of a workaholic to sit still. And too much of a perfectionist to be satisfied with life as it is. I have issues...yes, no secret. I have insecurities and fears and thoughts that would seem scary or absurd to others. But I also have hopes and dreams and see the good in the world, the beauty in the little things. I probably said before -- it's so easy to make me happy, so easy to make me smile. But because I'm so sensitive, it's also very easy to hurt me. I have intense emotions and I can't be casual about things. I care very deeply, very quickly. And like most artistic people, if I create something, it's like my child. It's a part of me. And to destroy that or criticize it or reject it, or take it away is like cutting off my arm. It wounds me. People don't understand why I get so upset or frustrated when no one pays attention to the work I do or the things I post. It's because I'm putting myself out there -- what I'm posting, my words, my research, my art, my beliefs, whatever -- it's ME. So if you ignore it, you're ignoring ME. If you take it and don't give back, you took a part of ME and I'm left empty. Maybe that sounds dramatic. Maybe people think I'm always complaining, or blaming others. I'm not. I'm just venting my frustrations. And speaking from my heart. So it's all emotions and pain and questions and confusion. It comes out the way it comes out. If I'm mad at a person, they'll know it. If I'm mad at a situation...then it gets convoluted into an emotional rant.

I don't understand people...I'm not a people person. I get annoyed so easily, frustrated so easily, disappointed so easily. And a lot of it is because they don't understand me either. I know there are those who think I'm strange, odd, intimidating. Crazy. I've been called names, seen the looks. And still, I give people chances...I ignore the signs or hope things will change. I'm seeking approval. Longing for acknowledgement for the things I've done. I need constant validation and encouragement. It makes me feel weak. I don't want to be needy or codependent. I don't want to fall in love with people who can't or won't love me. I don't want to rely on a friendship that isn't real. Or realize that they matter to me more than I matter to them, even if they do care. I'm finding it hard to trust. I've been broken too much. And most of it, most of the "lessons" have happened in the past 3 years. Because I changed. I got "better"...to a degree. I spoke out more, found confidence in myself, took chances. I messed up. I feel like I can't go back and fix things. I hurt people. But I know it's not all my fault. Self-blame. Low self-esteem.

I'm human...and I can't accept it. I can't accept making mistakes, I can't accept hurting someone's feelings or disagreeing with them. I can't accept having mean thoughts about someone or feeling jealous. It feels wrong to me. It makes me a bad person...that's how I think. But I know it's normal. I was just always the good girl, the nice girl, the sweet friendly quiet girl. I let people run all over me, use me, abuse me. That stubborn streak did come out, the emotional outbursts when I had enough. But for the most part, I was nice. And I had so much pain inside. I've learned and grown, so I know how to fix myself or try a different way. I don't let everyone take over me anymore. But I'm still too giving. Friends say that it's a good way to be -- the reliable one, good listener, always there to help. Loving heart. I suppose. But I feel like I'm missing out. Because people tell me not to expect to get that back from anyone else. Not to expect everyone to be so loving and giving, not to take things personally. But...then why expect it from me? Am I not entitled to have it too? To have people in my life who love me as much as I love them...or be there for me when I need them? Contradictions. My life is full of them.

But I have to move on. I know enough to know who to trust. And to know that even that trust could be broken in a snap. It's not a good world. It's not a good life -- being human. I feel like I don't fit here, that I'm not made for this world. Besides the mental/emotional struggles, I just feel like things are going to get worse, not better. We just live this life and do what we can, take what we can, enjoy what we can. No matter how much you achieve, you're still HERE. Maybe a pessimistic view. But can anyone argue that the world is a safe, peaceful place? People hurt each other on purpose...and enjoy it. They revel in the pain and fear of others. When I fail, there's someone there who feels a twinge of joy. When I'm criticized or put down, there's someone there thinking that I deserved it. I hate that. But I see it now. And it just is.

But there are also people who make my life worth living. Who admire me and count on me and appreciate me more than I deserve. I'm not a saint or an angel or wonderful or amazing. I'm just me. I do good, I work hard, I love, I help, I protect. But to me, that's what a person is supposed to do...that's normal. But it's not really, is it? I have a hard time seeing the world outside of my focus. Seeing things from the other side. Because I can't FEEL it...and for me to understand something, I have to feel. Others don't feel what I feel, don't connect the same way, so there lies the disagreements, the misunderstandings. But if you care enough, if the relationship is worth enough, you'll work to make it better...to make it through. I believe in that.

I just needed to write, to vent, to express myself. I'm not hurting. I am a little sad though. Still feeling inferior and that nothing I do will be quite good enough. Because there's always someone better. I just want to be equal. I don't want to take anything away from someone...I can be happy for them even when I feel a loss or left out. I got through weddings, I got through births. I don't have those things and I deal with it. But I want those things too. TOO. Not what someone else has, but my own. My place. I want to be special and accepted and acknowledged for what I do, for who I am. I don't want to be overlooked, I don't want to be looked down on, or avoided. I'm not crazy...I have depression and anxiety. I'm not dangerous...I come on too strong sometimes, when something really matters, but I'm a reserved person and I believe in boundaries. I don't like to hurt people...but sometimes I get mad or defensive or make the wrong choice. Don't you? Please don't think the worst of me, please don't hate me for what I do. Learn about me, talk to me, ask me who I am, why I do what I do. Why I feel.

If you're in my life, you matter. I care.

I'm proud of my accomplishments. I'm proud to be a good person. I don't lie. I want everyone to be happy and I would sacrifice myself to make that happen. But I have to stop giving myself away. It's not worth it anymore. I have to take more...even if that's just taking time away from those who love me. Taking time to take care of myself. I may never love myself or love where I am in my life...because I know I can do better, be better. Things are always changing. I say I hate change, but really I mean the changes I can't control. The ones that happen that I'm not prepared for...or don't want. That quick punch in the stomach, that ice cold fear when all the blood drains from your face, the needle in your chest when you lose something important. But the changes that I make for myself, those I need. I'm always improving and I love to learn, love to create new things. And my heart is so big, there's always room for more.

So just...let me be who I am. Right or wrong, weak or strong, good or bad. But I need you...I need you to be good enough for me. I need you to try and fight and work hard...as hard as I do. I need equality and security and companionship and I need to be needed. It was nice to be counted on, to be looked at, to have people trust that I would give them the information they wanted. It was nice to feel that again. I didn't realize how long I had been without it. Will I have it again? I don't know. Will I talk to the friend I'm missing again? I don't know. Will "they" ever appreciate how much I do for them? I don't know. They don't belong to me...and I don't have the right to take their time or attention. It hurts when others get those things and I don't. Sorry. But I have to accept my feelings. It's ok to feel that way. When you put your heart into everything you do, it constantly gets bruised and battered...passed around and played with...broken. But I pick up the pieces and try again. No one can say I'm not persistent. And maybe some resent me for that. Because they can't do it. Because they don't have my drive or talent or strength or whatever. But don't put me down to lift yourself up. Do good in your own life. Just because you have more or you haven't been through what I've been through, it doesn't make you better than me or more important. If you want to be better than someone, become better -- for yourself. Don't beat them down. Isn't that what cheaters do? I can't help being competitive or wanting to be first or needing approval. But I can stop expecting it and realize that I just have to follow my own path and do what needs to be done. Even if I'm the only one there. Even if I'm the only one who knows or cares. It may not be enough, but it's the best I can do. And my best has to be enough now.

There's some comfort in knowing that I'll always have the memories of what was. I can appreciate those moments...they satisfy me. I don't really need so much. And I also had the best that I could get, the best achievement in the world: my parents both said they were proud of me. For different things, at different times, but they said it. They believe it. They believe in me. What else is there? I believe in me too. And I believe in my friends and family...I believe in strangers. I really do care about the whole world. I just don't feel a part of it. But maybe THAT's my place...

Fear of failure

"Often the difference between a successful person and a failure is not one has better abilities or ideas, but the courage that one has to bet on one's ideas, to take a calculated risk - and to act." ~ Andre Malraux

I think as humans we tend to concentrate on our failures rather than our successes. Even when you try your best, hope for the best...if the best doesn't happen, that's what we see. The darkness overshadows the light. I'm not an optimist, but I'm more optimistic than people think...or than I thought in the past. I have so much hope, even in the worst of times. I keep trying again and again...if one way doesn't work, I try another way. I see the beauty in the little things and believe in impossibilities. I believe in my friends, my family, anyone who has a dream or a goal or a plan. I believe that they can make it happen. Sometimes it doesn't happen -- not the right time, just not feasible. And that has to be accepted (although no one has to like it). But I'm also a realist, maybe even pessimistic. I overworry, overstress, have thoughts of accidents and fears of deaths. The "what ifs". Well, that's just my nature, and I can overcome it. I know what's real and what's not. But I also don't let myself get involved in something that I know will be harmful or wrong for me. And I'll try to stop others from doing the same if my intuition, my heart, God -- whatever this is -- tells me to.

I've been thinking about life. My life, and what I've done...what I hope to do. And whether any of it really matters at all. I've changed. I just don't see things the way I used to. To take a line from 'Shattered', one of my favorite songs by the Cranberries: "And all the things that seemed once to be so important to me, seem so trivial now that I can see." People, things don't matter so much anymore -- if I lose them all, I'll still be here. Alone, just me. And what has really changed? I have friends now, more than ever in my life...and a few really great ones. But nothing is permanent, people leave. People die. People hurt you or abandon you or things just don't work out. Sometimes you just lose touch or move on. It's not always bad...but it's still a loss. A hole inside. And I don't want anymore holes. So I try to not care. And I can now. I know there's a way out...another option. Not a good one and I wish it wasn't so, but it's there now and a part of me like everything else. And I know I can do it. But I won't...for as long as I can, with all the strength I have. But you have to accept that it's there. It's me. This is all of me -- good, bad, ugly, pretty. I have a lot of sides, I'm hard work, but you have to believe that I'm worth it, worth the time...or you can't be what I need.

I can see the value in myself. I know I deserve more than some people have given me. I know I don't always make the right choices or say the right things...but I AM a good person. I'm not a monster. I know this, rationally, but it's not always what I feel. And that's just part of this. It just is. I'm not alone in that...others have said they see themselves that way, other ways, so many similar situations, feelings. I'm not alone. And neither are they, not anymore. But really, all we can truly count on is ourselves...in the end. And I've been doing it for so long, it's hard for me to see there's another way. It's hard for me to connect with people and give that private side of myself, trust. I hold back, I'm reserved. Personality once again. But I have become something more than what I was. So much more. And that's what I was thinking about this morning -- what I've done, what I've accomplished.

I won't go through the years, won't even go into the Supervisor thing again -- although that's what I'm most proud of. What my mom said she's proud of me for doing. I worked hard, completed a lot of difficult and new tasks, overcame many fears, became a leader, and spoke my mind. I owe a lot to 'him'...for raising my confidence. And I'll always remember the good times.

But I want to concentrate on 2010 right now. Because the end was so devastating, so unexpected. And it's easy to look back and see all the drama and pain and disappointments and setbacks. The crazy making things, the triggers, the anxiety, the things lost. The dreams shattered. The "truth". My eyes are open now, I've learned a lot. From my mistakes, from the actions of others, from research and conversations and just LIFE. I'll take them as lessons. And the good things...I'll keep them in my memories. I am grateful. I am blessed. More lucky than I deserve. Because I had greatness. And I got a lot of it myself. I worked hard. Unpaid experience...and satisfaction. You make me smile...

The Best of 2010

♪ Went to 3 Blue October shows and met the band
♪ Got rail :)
♪ Met many online friends in person
♪ Flew on a plane for the first time, by myself
♪ Visited Utah - first time out West
♪ Overcame driving anxiety - I was determined to get to where I was going
♪ Reunited with old friends
♪ Made a lot of contacts in the music industry
♪ Recruited new fans to bands I helped promote
♪ Almost had my name in a CD cover for one of my favorite bands (a "Thank you" for my hard work)...removed for budget reasons?
♪ Had over 300 fans join my FB group
♪ Developed my creative talents
♪ Learned a lot about various topics
♪ Spoke out and stood up for myself
♪ Started a blog
♪ Got a position writing for Examiner.com
♪ Pulled myself up from my lowest point, after every setback
♪ Asked for help when I needed it
♪ Proved my maternal ability by giving my hamster meds and fluids every 2 hours for a month when she was sick (she improved briefly before she passed)
♪ Took care of my responsibilities on my own, no matter how difficult or how sick I was
♪ Inspired others
♪ Helped others
♪ Loved many
♪ Found value in myself
♪ Began accepting my "flaws"
♪ Moved on and let go
♪ Tried again

My goals for 2011

♪ Get a (paying) job
♪ Get out of debt
♪ Improve my health
♪ Learn to play the violin
♪ Visit Texas (Austin, Houston)
♪ Go to more live shows (esp. Blue)
♪ Spend quality time with family and friends
♪ Learn new things
♪ Start reading again
♪ Practice my Irish
♪ Try to relax more, take time for myself - and not feel guilty
♪ Do better, be better
♪ Fall in love with someone who loves me back (wishful thinking...or hope)
♪ Keep graceful dancing...

Avoiding conflict

This is a time of turbulence for many. I've been dealing with FB drama since the end of 2009. But it's gotten worse. I was the entertainment, everything I posted was debated, criticized. Even the good stuff. But there will always be someone -- who doesn't understand or agree or just likes to cause trouble. Get me fired up because they can. Get me upset because they can. It's so easy to hurt me...but it's even easier to make me happy. Little things. For me to get mad or devastated, it has to be a big thing. Maybe minor to another, but it my world, in my mind, it's major. And my focus is completely encompassed by this. I have tunnel vision -- can only see one way, the bad way, the worst possible scenarios. I have an imagination. And anxiety. At times I get these images in my head...like, what if I fall off of my kitchen chair and hit my head on the floor. What if I drive out into cross traffic. What if an incident happens to a family member. Fears, overworry. But at the time, for me, it's real. I have to consciously tell myself that it's not happening right now, not likely to happen, and I need to get back to reality. I can do it. One good thing I have control of. And I can handle the anxiety...when it's coming on. I can still function, hold it at bay, work around it. But if it doesn't go away (which is the majority of the time) I have to take a pill to calm me. Needed 3 today. One to go out to the store (because of the hypoglycemia and low weight and the weather/temp changes -- causes of the shaky feeling. Bone vibrating...hurts. 2 for...online stress, triggers. I just can't deal with certain people right now. It's painful just to look at them, see their names. But I don't hate them. It's just the hurt. I have to stay away from what causes me stress.

I've been holding back a lot. I don't know why I'm still expressing so much personal stuff on here...I guess because not many people read it. I don't really post on my other networks. This is private, but public. Some people could be objective if they don't know me. But I'm open and honest. I need to be. Maybe it's too much, maybe I still haven't found that balance. I'm pulling away. Instead of posting my immediate feelings on a status update when I'm down, I hold back and keep it to myself...deal on my own. Or write/talk to one of my friends -- the few that I trust.

Hard to believe what happened the past couple months. I wasn't in a good place before Utah, but I had so much fun. Then came back down. And around Halloween was the worst -- a lot of triggers, a lot of anxiety. I had to go away for awhile. And I almost didn't make it back. But I did. It may not be good...because I know I CAN and so many things don't matter. They can all go away...or I'll go away. I'll be over. I'll be on my own.

It hurts still. What he said to me, the "truths", the lies. But it wasn't just him. So many were involved...and so many believed. They respected him -- I saw the post, the words. I can't help it...can't help not trusting. He was more important than me. I vaguely know the band, have only had extended contact with one. And not the one everyone wants. How overwhelming it all is. I don't want to do that.

I'm sorry, for all those I've wronged. For the arguments and defensive behavior and unforgiveness. Because I just can't. If that makes me a bad person, then that's how it will be. I can't be the nice girl, always ready to help. I'm tired. Frustrated, disappointed, lost.

I'm exhausted. Emotional. Hormones. Wishes dreams, hopes.

If I can believe it, I can achieve it. But at least I will try. You can count on me for that. You can count on me for a lot of things. Do people forget? What I've given, how I've loved, been there for them. I care so much. But things are not as they seem. And I can't do what I did in the past. I can't be on there (FB) -- too many people, too many obstacles, too many heartbreaks and disappointments. Disrespect and distrust. I'm better than this. For all my flaws and personality traits, I care so much. I would fight for you. I would be you. I would trade you. Would you be me? I hope you'll never have to. It hurts, it's extremely hard. Pieces...all I get are pieces. Was it true? Not the away he said it, but what he said. I see myself in it...but I'm trying to not accept it. I'm always trying to do better. But he didn't need to be cruel. Just argue with me, I can do that. No need for psychological/emotional rape (I hate that word so much). Signs -- I knew something wasn't right, he was pulling away. But I didn't know. My friend is gone..in his place is a monster. I want him to come back, be better. But I can't talk to him now. Maybe never. That's what I lost.

I want to get the the point where I don't think about it everyday. But I'm reminded by the "friends" who stayed with me. Are they feeling guilty -- because they were against me and now realize they had no reason to be? I didn't attack them or hurt them or send them away. I'm better than this...better than him...better than the ones who don't stand. Stand for me. I respected him too...for so long. Don't you believe me? Didn't you see it? Why would you think I'd hurt him deliberately? I don't attack...I'm not evil. But no...not after he beat me down. Why did you say you respected him? He hurt your friend. Whatever I did or said...this man you don't know hurt your friend. And it was ok to you. But it was wrong. Do you see that? I needed you. I needed you to be there...you said I'd never be alone. What did I do so wrong to you? Why do people assume the worst of me? Does anyone know me at all? Don't confuse me anymore...

My latest article is on the downside of social networking. Appropriate with all the drama. It is what it is. I'm almost out of there...still have things to do and I don't want to abandon anyone. I'll let them know. I can responsible. And if people leave my life, then, I'll still be ok. I survived this long on my own. The cycle...I hope it stops.

Keep graceful dancing...


1:38am
I had to come back to edit and redo some parts...so many misspelled words...I can't allow that.

Looking back...

Thinking about the past, the present, the future.

My latest Examiner article is titled "2011: A new year brings new opportunities". I even created a discussion post called "Making a fresh start in the new year", asking others to list some of their goals for 2011. But what about me? I'm working hard, trying to move forward. But I still feel like I'm moving backwards. Or standing still. I guess it will take more time...and time seems so short.

Looking back over the past year, I see so much pain. But I also see an amazing amount of joy. Was the pain worth the joy? No. It's a separate thing. My trip to Utah -- alone, my first time on a plane, first time out west -- was worth all the planning and worrying and courage. But only because I achieved my goals. And because it was the best weekend of my life. That was my reward. For hard work, persistence, and maybe because I deserved something good. I am a good person inside, I know that. But I'm not perfect. I have my mean side and my dislikes and annoyances. I speak them now. I didn't before...but that didn't mean that they weren't there. I just refuse to keep everything hidden. I refuse to let things go and let others walk all over me. It's NOT ok to hurt me and tell me to get over it. It's NOT ok to say you'll call and not follow through...and then brush it off like it's minor. Or say you're too busy to help/talk/listen/hang out...but do all those things with someone else. Actions show. If I'm not a priority in your life, don't pretend that I am and then ignore me. I'd rather you stayed away or be honest. I can't help if someone believes that my needs are trivial compared to theirs, that the events in their lives are more important, more urgent. That because I'm single and childless, that my life doesn't have as much meaning. That I'm expendable...and they're necessary. I understand that. I don't have as much as others my age. I feel like I'm missing something. But I have lots of things and people who give my life meaning, who show me that I have value. And that there's still hope. I'm not less than you. I'm not better than you. I'm just not you.

Maybe it's me. I believe that promises mean something, that loyalty and respect should be upheld. If someone hurts someone I care about, I fight and protect. You become my enemy...as simple as that. I have high standards, ambitions, passionate beliefs. Opinions of my own. I don't follow along if I know something's wrong -- for me or someone else. I don't make fun of people or look down on someone less fortunate or who has needs or issues that I don't understand. I accept. I try my best to be open-minded enough to see the other side. Sometimes I can't. But I'll let you know. I try too hard, I give too much of myself. But I don't regret it. I'd rather do too much than too little. I won't be the one who abandons a friend in need...even if they don't need me. I have to try. I always have to try. I bring people together...and then I have to stand back and watch them live, laugh, love, enjoy the new friendships...without me. I do feel left out, not good enough. They've moved on...to someone better suited for their needs. But maybe that's what I'm meant to do. Because I'll be gone one day. And they still need to live. "Victory of the people..."

Some see me as weak, some see me as strong. Maybe I'm both...or neither. Or a combination of the two. A combination of so many things. And that's me. A mixture -- of races, opinions, beliefs, talents, feelings, personality traits, likes, etc, etc. I'm not your typical Black girl. But that doesn't mean I didn't want to be. Of course I wanted to fit in (with my relatives, with society). But then...I wouldn't have fit in at school anyway. It seems I never truly fit anywhere...because I'm not one thing. I'm so many things, which is good, but it means that I can only have pieces of everything. Only fit in somewhat, a little here and there. I can give this much, but I'll only get a fraction back. Because no one knows my needs. Or maybe they can't be met.

I'm grateful for what I have, what I've been given, what I've gotten myself. I'm very proud of myself for what I have accomplished in the past year. And really, the past 3 years. Amidst the sadness and grief and struggle, I excelled. I became. I grew stronger. Partly because of it and partly because I just do. It's what I do. Keep going, never give up. It's exhausting though, let me tell you. Hard work being strong. Picking up the pieces when you're broken...again and again. Setbacks, failures, disappointments. I hate it. I hate the weakness I feel...and the perception of others who believe that this mental illness or my personality or flaws or whatever makes me defective. I'm damaged goods. Like a piece of fruit...that looks good on the outside (soft to touch, nice color, smells good) but is rotten on the inside (emotional, defensive, opinionated, depressed, quiet, boring, CRAZY). Maybe I'm all of those things...but so what? I'm me. Take it or leave it. The problem is, people don't want to leave it...they want to change it. Make me FIT. And as I said, I don't fit. So, I guess it's up to me to walk away. I can't have people in my life who put me down or keep me down. Who smile in my face and laugh behind my back. Who don't think I have much worth...unless I change who I am. And the things that I can't change, well, that makes me hopeless, doesn't it? I'll never have what they have -- some people delight in that. Some like to see others in pain, feeling low -- it makes them feel high. I see it, I just don't understand that mindset. That's not my life. And I don't have to alter myself to fit that life, to fit my peers' view on the world. Or my family's. Or anyone's. I have a choice. I have to live this life. Whether I exceed or fail. Whether I stay the same or improve. Whether I get "better" or not. All I want is acceptance. Love. Joy. Peace. Respect. Trust. Easier to give than receive. I should lower my expectations, but I won't. Because there are those who meet my standards...and I meet theirs. And God, I'm SO grateful for them. So grateful that they're in my life -- to pull me up, stand beside me, even stand in front of me. They won't watch me fall...they'll catch me. They have. And if they're reading this -- I think they know who they are...because I've told them. And if I haven't said it enough -- thank you for loving me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for trusting me with your heart, your secrets, your friendship. I'm honored to know you. And I hope...I hope you'll never leave me. But if you do. Well, I have to go on. I can be grateful for the memories. Nothing lasts forever. I know.

So with the commencement of 2011, what do I hope to achieve? I don't make resolutions...I set my goals as I go along, depending on the situation, adapting to life's changes. And I do not like to fail. But I do have hopes, dreams, needs. I don't know if I'll meet them...or they'll meet me. I don't know what the future holds; no one does. We just keep going, looking around us, hoping to see something beautiful. And when we do, we smile. I can smile.

I want to be happy with myself, as I am. And I want to be better...for me. I lost some things and I gained others. I'll never forget. And I will not settle. All or nothing. I deserve it. And I'm worth the battle.