Dreams

I realized something important today. I have accomplished many of my dreams. Maybe on a smaller scale than expected or through a different route than planned, but I've done it.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an artist and a writer. I was better at art and enjoyed drawing people and clothing, so I went to college for fashion design. I expected to become a fashion illustrator, but I wanted to learn how to create a garment from start to finish, to get an overall education in the field. So I learned sewing and pattern-making and draping design and garment construction. But I also learned figure drawing and painting skills and how to mix colors and create a composition. I learned fashion history and art history and took a photography course (with a camera that had film that needed developed, which we did ourselves).

I learned what I needed to learn, which was my intention with college. It was never about money or a job or becoming some famous designer. It was about learning and become proficient at my craft. I didn't think about getting a job until right before I graduated. My plan was to get a job in the Philly area so that I wouldn't have to move back home. But it didn't happen. I went to interviews for months (commuting from home) and got the same response from the companies: I had the right skills and qualifications and the other employees liked me, but I didn't have enough experience. So they always went with someone who did. I was right out of college, of course I had no industry experience. My 3 month internship wasn't enough and retail experience didn't count. I was turned down for every job and fell off of the path that I was on. That's what it felt like. The course that I expected and planned for my life didn't happen. I couldn't keep going that way, I had no money, no car (I had been borrowing my parents' or my dad drove me). So I got a job at home...and another.

I ended up working in a bridal shop as a seamstress. I never enjoyed sewing, but I was good at it and learned a lot from that job. I made a few custom pieces for people and learned how to alter existing styles. I also saved up enough money to buy my own car. Eventually the shop closed down and I got another job in retail (commission sales), but with the knowledge I learned as a seamstress, I began to make custom dresses for friends and coworkers. I even sold a few original designs on ebay. That's how my moniker "NicRen Designs" was born. I needed a label for my designs and used the first 3 letters of my first and middle names. In college, I learned how to do pricing and determine the cost of creating a garment, so I used those worksheets as a basis for how much to charge customers. I cut down my hours at my job to pursue this, while I was saving money to get my own place.

I couldn't get a job in the design industry, so I created my own. I did it, I was a designer. My design business never made enough money to live off of, but I understood that it would take time. However, I had other plans. I wanted to move away from my hometown...and so I did. On my own, without any friends or family in the new city. It was very hard. But my dad told me he was proud of me for not giving up on what I wanted and going after it.

I still did fashion design work here and there and altered all of the dresses for my sister's wedding. But it was around that time that I started to develop severe anxiety, and sewing triggered it. It still does. People told me that I was wasting my degree by not pursuing fashion, but design is something that lives inside of me, something that I can do anywhere, anytime, during the course of my life. A degree is just paper. What I learned was what's important, and I'll always have that. But I needed a break.

Which brings me to my 2nd dream: to become a writer. I think part of the reason I didn't pursue it when I was younger, was because I didn't think I was good enough. I always loved to write and kept journals and wrote short stories and songs and poems. I'm a quiet person, so that was how I expressed myself. After I got laid off from my job in 2009, I took some time to explore what I wanted to do next. I found some freelance writing opportunities and started writing for Examiner.com. They paid by page views, so I had to learn how to self-promote on social media to get more traffic to my articles. It was never about the money, of course, but it would have been nice to make a living doing that. But from the feedback that I saw from other writers, it was not possible manifest a large income from that company. It would have to be a hobby or for experience.

I also did guest posts on other sites and had my own music blog and personal blog. I got a lot of great feedback from those and I felt like I actually was a better writer than I gave myself credit for in the past. Or at least, I became one.

After moving back home again in 2012, I didn't work for a year. I was in a bad place mentally and physically, dealing with family deaths, depression, anxiety, recovering from being severely underweight. I felt like a failure because I couldn't pay my bills or afford my apartment anymore. Living successfully on my own was another path I fell off of. But being home was what I needed and put me on the path to my next dream: raising kids.

I always wanted kids. Always. There was never a question about it. I was around kids my whole life and enjoyed babysitting and taking care of other people. I'm a nurturer. I always planned on getting married and having kids. When so many relationships failed, the marriage idea didn't seem as important and having kids was all that mattered. But I wasn't going to just have kids by some random guy. It still had to be right for me. Obviously, it hasn't happened. I'm getting older and it scares me to think that it won't happen because my body will no longer be able to do it. I'm almost 40. But I won't give up hope yet.

So, before my niece was born, my sister asked me if I wanted to be her full-time nanny. Of course I did, but I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle a full-time job again (I was still having issues with depression and anxiety). I started taking care of my niece on my own when she was 2 months old. It was hard, but taking care of kids is a lot of work and that was expected. I also had a new puppy at home that I was training, so that added to the stress. But I did it. My niece and I have a special bond and it's been wonderful to watch her grow up and learn new things. When my nephew came along, I took care of him too. Taking care of a newborn and a 1 1/2 year old is a special kind of challenge. Potty-training, changing diapers, all of the feedings, tantrums...it's a lot. My niece has asthma, so there are special circumstances related to that as well. I struggled but eventually found my rhythm.

It's been almost 5 years since I became a nanny. And this is the most rewarding job I've ever had. The only one where I've felt like I had a purpose and made a difference in someone's life. I love those kids like my own. Even when they're behaving like little monsters. But my time with them is coming to an end. There are changes happening beyond my control, and honestly, I need more money. If I want to move forward with my life, I need to change as well.

It's scary to think of getting a new job, starting over, in a place with new people. I haven't worked in a company setting in 10 years. But it hurts more to think of not being with the kids every day. I'm not coping well with it. I feel like I'm giving away my kids. But I just have to deal with it and adapt.

I don't think I can get a job working with other kids. And not have to eventually give them up too. I don't know if that's best anyway. I need to concentrate on myself for a little while, take care of my needs instead of putting everyone else first. Something with less stress...but still fulfilling. I don't know what that is yet. I know what I don't want and what would be unhealthy for me. But what is the best career path?

And honestly, I'm not striving to have a "career". That's not what motivates me. I need money to pay bills and buy things and finally get my own place again. And I want to travel and go to concerts and have adventures. But through it all, I want a family of my own. I want a quiet, peaceful life. Not going to meetings or racing from one thing to the next. Maybe my own business, maybe not. But whatever it is, I have to be content and regularly have some time away from people and social activities.

There are so many things I'd like to do and so many things I've already done. I love promoting bands online and that would probably be my ideal job right now. So I'm looking into some options. But in the meantime, getting out of debt is a major focus, as well as managing my mental health issues better.

We all have our goals and our strengths. What works for others may not work for me. When there's something I want, I go after it with everything I have. But my heart has to be in it. I'm still trying to find what makes my heart happy.