Strong enough

Writing helps release the poison that gathers inside and threatens to destroy me. And so I write.

I was going to talk about the sad part of my heart, but let's talk about the strong part instead. I've been antidepressant free for 41 days. I don't usually count the days, I just say, "since the end of July." And I haven't taken Xanax longer than that. It's not due to an addiction or recovery. It's a personal choice because I felt that it was time. I don't have to remember to take it everyday, I don't have to pay for it out-of-pocket every month or worry about getting a doctor to prescribe refills. It's all a lot of stress and running around. And lack of money's a factor. The side effects...

I cut it down little by little over a couple months. But even stopping with only a quarter of medication in my system had its negative effects. Mostly nausea and hypoglycemia shakes, some anxiety. For about a week after, I guess. I did notice the emotional difference too. Things were just a little bit harder.

But that's what this is about. Even during the hard times, even with the setbacks, the loss of something...I still bounce back quickly. Because I have the tools to cope. Because I've learned how. Some CBT techniques, some personal strengths, lots of experiences that tested me. I made it through. I fall, and I get back up. Some days are harder, next to impossible. But I'm still alive. That's a big feat when everything inside of you is telling you not to be. To give up and die. I don't want to die. But I would like the pain to stop. Medication helps that. And now I'm on my own.

Six years. And now, I'm free. But, is there a price for freedom? I worry about what will happen when October comes, then winter. My Seasonal Affective Disorder creeps in and hits hard. Unexpected, unwanted, debilitating. The anxiety is the worst. And the insomnia messes up my schedule. It's very, very difficult to fight through that everyday. Every day. I don't know what I'll do then. Just keep going...one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

I try my best. That's all I ever do.


"You must remember that
You were born with blood of kings and queens
And can't be stopped."
--- Janet Jackson