I'm here to tell you

God, I'm so frustrated. It comes and goes. But always there under the surface, ready to spring free. I fight it: I keep quiet, let people have their conversations, make their comments, serve their platitudes. I stay silent because I don't want to argue or get defensive or go off into a long, drawn-out rant. Like I have in the past. Because I kept everything inside for too long as a kid. Do I say too much? I have, but don't so much anymore. Except when it bursts out of me; when I feel so misunderstood I have to shout so they can hear me, see me, know my mind and my heart and my soul. Some people get it automatically, some never do. They just look at me through their eyes and experiences and tell me what to do to get where they are. I'll always fail. Don't they realize that? No, because they can't see me.

I'm just sick of it. And I don't say that out loud because I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to make my friends hate me or be afraid to talk to me or walk away because I'm not worth the effort. So many people already have (and weren't shy about telling me why), so I can handle it, I expect it. But it hurts...and it hurts more to know I caused it. Just by having a bad day. Or being upset or angry. I don't want to be that person. I'm not a mean, insensitive person. Most of the time I'm too nice, too sensitive. But there is cruelty in me. And vengeance. Mostly I don't act on it or speak of it, and no one ever knows. If people could be inside my head, they wouldn't even know me. Well, this is part of my head, so...

I have to get it out. I have to. It's hurting me too much. I thought I could get past it, forgive, let it go. But I need to get it out of me. Vent the frustration and anger and pain. Why don't they understand how much it hurts? Why can't they see it from my perspective? Why won't they even try? Listen. Listen. Listen. Stop telling me about your love story. Stop telling me how much that person means to you, how lucky you are that you found them and they stayed. How blessed you are to have your kids and how you can't imagine your life without them. TRY. Try to imagine if all that was taken from you, if you were left with emptiness and pain. Can you imagine how hard it would be to live without it every single day? How hard it would be just to breathe? How much loss you feel and there's no one, no one, who can help you fix it. Nothing to fill that space. Then try to imagine if the people who have those things and say all those other things keep telling you that you need to be happy with the life you have. That you need to wait longer and maybe you'll get what they have. Do you understand how that feels? To hear those things and see all the photos and hear all the stories and just sit there and watch? Your pain isn't real to them. So you got dumped, so you were emotionally abused, so you haven't been with anyone in more than ten years. You'll find the right person eventually...someone will appreciate you someday...it will be worth the wait and all make sense. WHAT ABOUT RIGHT NOW?? What about how I feel RIGHT NOW? There's pain, there's pain, there's pain. Someday is far away, someday may never come. Right now I'm hurting and needy and you just want to tell me that I'll only be loved when I'm all better? If I can be happy being single, then someone will want to be with me. If I don't love myself, no one will ever love me. That's WRONG! Why tell me these things? Why pat my head and say pretty things that aren't true? And get mad at me when I disagree? When I tell you that my story isn't that way, that my feelings aren't that way? It makes me so angry. I'm so angry at the people who have told me this. It's arrogant and insensitive and just naive. Do you know the difference between you and me? You already have it -- right now, in this place and time. I do not. It was guaranteed to you, so it happened. It already happened, there's nothing you need to do now to make it happen. No waiting, no trying. Maybe things didn't work out the way you hoped, maybe it ended. But you had YOUR chance. And I haven't had mine yet. It hasn't happened and it's NOT guaranteed to me. It may NEVER happen. I understand that. I accept it...although I fight it. Because I believe, because I want it so badly. I want it and I will do what's necessary to get it. But right now I am in pain. Living with an emptiness that you cannot feel. Because if you did, you would not expect me to be ok with living with it. You would not tell me I need to be happy in my situation. I should not have to be happy. I can make the best of things and be grateful, but I should not be expected to feel happiness when I'm unhappy. That's an emotion too, and we all have a right to feel it. We're allowed to want to make changes, improvements, follow our dreams and our hearts. Don't tell me to find new dreams or settle for scraps just because the big one hasn't happened yet. Don't tell me to wait for something that may never happen or go out and live my life when I feel like my life isn't whole. It may never be whole -- I've lost too many loved ones, too quickly. And I may never be healthy or happy -- this depression isn't a passing thing...and there's more behind it than sadness and grief. I know what makes me happy. I know what I need in my life. I've always known, always. As a kid, 9 years old, I knew what to expect from my future, what love needed to be(I wrote a song about it -- never knowing loss in reality, but my heart could still speak about it). I realize now that not everyone can see so clearly. They don't know what's right for them, so they have to try things. Their feelings change, they aren't ready at a certain age, and later they are. I've always been the same. I've always wanted these things -- then and now. Love...I wanted to marry him, I just wanted to finish college first. I wanted to have his children, I could see them when I looked at him, but I needed to get out and get a job, grow up more first. But I wanted it just the same. Wrong time. Not wrong guy. He moved on...and so I had to too. Not a choice, a necessity to survive. When I fell in love again, 5 years ago, it was what I needed. He was what I needed...just not good for me. We clashed, hurt each other. I lived with pain for so long, felt so bad about myself, so confused. It still devastated me when it was really over, when I finally let go. He was my best friend. That, I will never get over. But the rest...in time, I moved on. My choice. But not the choice I wanted to make.

Crushes, loves, disappointments. It all goes to heart, it all hurts. You have to live with the pain for awhile, and it's the pain that makes you speak out. Cry out, really. And when those you care about don't hear you or mistake your words or only think of themselves, you feel so alone. And they say you misunderstood them. Maybe. Or maybe they weren't really listening. They were just waiting to make their mark on your life. I guess some people like advice...taking it, asking for it. I don't. Advice equals criticism. Maybe it's a different thing, but they both feel the same to my heart. Especially if someone is trying to tell me what to do or questioning my choices. Maybe I've made some bad choices, maybe the way I behave isn't "right" or "normal". Maybe I should do more or do less. It doesn't matter. Don't tell me what to do. I don't like that. Don't give me advice unless I ask for it...and there's only a very small chance that I will, ever. But it certainly won't be when I'm venting my emotions and speaking up for myself. No, that's all about me. Not what you think. Expressing oneself is not giving permission to be criticized or analyzed. Some people like to debate...fine. But that's not why I do anything that I do. EVER. I'm honest, I can be blunt, but mostly I edit myself, I try to be clear. If you can't figure out who I am by the things I write/post/say, then you're not looking closely enough. There's more than what you see. Listen.

But I've said all this. I've said a lot of things. Don't push me when I'm in a bad mood, don't give me examples of what I'm doing wrong (or what you did right, in comparison). I'm really tired of everyone's success stories. I know you mean well and are just trying to show me that it's possible to get what you want, but it hurts. It feels like you're showing off or throwing it in my face. Not the intention, but that's the reaction. Because I have to look at it, listen to it, and pretend that I'm fine. Be happy for you. All the pregnancies, the marriages, new jobs, everything. I'm the one people confide in, the one they come to because I'll be accepting and understanding. And be happy for them. Would you expect me to be otherwise? Can you picture that? So, you see, I have to be a good friend/sister/daughter and listen...and look...and take care of. Feel that punch in the stomach with every update, that coldness in my bones. Keep breathing. I hide it...because you didn't do this to me, the situation did. And the situation hurts. But I support You. Then, I go back to my own life and look around. Do I cry? Is that enough? No... Right now I hate it. I hate where I live, I hate what I see when I look in the mirror, I hate what I've had to do just to make it here. I survived, I exist, but I feel dead. I'm not living. I don't feel alive. Don't tell me I shouldn't think that way or feel that way -- I have a right to what I feel. No one knows, no one sees everything. I didn't choose this life, This. But I found a way to live it. Is it so hard to understand that I want better? More. Especially after having it for so many years. I know what I'm missing because I used to have it. Then I lost it...taken, left. But I also know what I'm missing that I never had. Because I see it in my heart, or I've had pieces of it in my life. Kids, a husband, a career, a house, pets, a future. Family, mine. I've been reading my horoscope all my life and it always said that to a Cancer, family is most important. I rebelled against that notion a little when I was younger, because the only family I knew was the one I was born into. Dozens of relatives around all the time, knowing your business, criticizing you for your choices, putting you down for being different, for being you. I felt unloved, unwanted, and never understood. Tension, anxiety, never being good enough, no privacy, forced to do things you didn't want to do, and not being able to talk about it because no one wanted to hear it -- you were supposed to "act right". Told all the ways you shouldn't be and all the ways you needed to be. I never really could be, but I could pretend really well. And few could see what was in my eyes anyway. Or cared? Whatever. But that was family to me. I love them and there were good times, close relationships, but I didn't want that to be my life 24/7 when I grew up. Stuck there, in that city, living the same life as everyone else? I knew there was more out there, better, I just didn't know where. I found it, eventually. I lived there. Now, I'm back. This place isn't healthy for me, but it's where I live. Maybe I'll get out again. Maybe I'll die here. But right now, all I can do is make it through the day. Try. Try.

I am a true Cancer (except for the love of water thing, but I think that would be true too if I hadn't almost drowned in the lake...and the whole swimming lessons thing. Childhood traumas, seriously). Now family means loving and nurturing -- by me. It means what I can do, what I create. My own family is the most important thing. The necessary thing, what I'm meant for in my life. But I don't have it. Do you see? Why I hurt, why I long for it? Without it, I will die. I don't want to live in a world where I have to live with this emptiness and sorrow and regret -- for 20, 30, 40 more years? How is that ok? How can people tell me that it's ok for me, that I deserve that? They say I deserve the other thing, but then they tell me to live like this, continue to live like this for however long. And be fulfilled. Find something to fulfill me and make me happy. As if one thing can replace another. As if ANYTHING can match the joy of having your own child. Anything? I love my niece and nephew as my own, my friends kids, even the ones I never met. I would give them the world...I would fight for them, die for them, save them. I have that much love, for those who aren't even mine. For those I don't get to see every day, for those who will always be a little out of reach. Nothing can replace them in my heart. Nothing will ever be that great. So imagine how it would be for my own...by birth, adoption, whatever. Mine. To devote my life to, to live for. That's something worth living for. That's everything. True happiness. I want happiness. So why tell me to find something else? Why tell me to keep waiting? Time is short. We all aren't so lucky. I'm so much better when I'm happy, oh, you have no idea. You've never seen me happy, what I do for others, what I do for myself. I'm strong, I'm active. It doesn't take much, but it takes something. You would want it for me, if you wanted what's best for me.

I feel like maybe some people don't actually want me to have it. They say they do, but they discourage me in so many ways. Like I'll have too much if I get it. Like their lives won't be so special if I have similar things. It's not about them. If I talk about how much I want kids or how I wish I could find a man to love and love me back, they think I'm just jealous of their lives, that I want what everyone else has. I've never wanted that, in anything in my life. Haven't people noticed that I'm an original? That I go after the things I want and wear the things I want and do the things I want because it's what I want? What I feel is best for me? I don't want to take anything from anyone else, I just want my own. Go and live your life, I won't stop you. If you try to take something of mine or infringe on my territory, then we have a problem. I can't help but compare my life to others and find it lacking. Resentment for all I've done and haven't gotten back...but they've given less and gotten more. I'm sorry, it's there. Don't we all do that? Isn't that the purpose of all the stories people tell me, the well-meaning advice to illustrate what they have that I don't and how to do what they did to get it? I'm stubborn, so I probably don't want to do it your way on principle. It just takes a lot out of me to always be present in everyone's lives (even virtually) and then let go and face my own. I feel what you feel, it's inside of me. But so much of me is empty. I'm sorry if some people can't comprehend that. If they only see the pretty things and think that should make me happy or think that other things should be my priority. To many, having a great job and money means you're successful in life and all other things are secondary. Or religion comes first, or where you live is most important. I can understand all that, and it's ok to feel what you feel. But it's not how I'm made. Family is number one to me. Always. Kids/babies and animals are the ONLY things on this planet that give me pure joy. Asking me to be without is kind of cruel...I could be happy, but you don't think it's necessary? I'm just so frustrated. Talking in generalizations, but this is how this all manifested in my brain. A jumble of hurts. Empty words and careless platitudes. Meant to make me feel better, but it doesn't. What makes me feel better is when someone says they understand, or it's ok to feel the way I feel. The things I do for them, for everyone. Can I have it back? Please.

Lots of people love me. In different ways. And that's what really inspired this post. It was supposed to start:

I'm here to tell you, that if you were told that no one can love you unless you first love yourself (or "if you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you"), that's not true. I can love you no matter how you feel about yourself. You don't have to be happy or healthy or behave a certain way. There are no conditions for my love. It's who YOU are...I'll love you for you and for the sake of loving. To believe that the only ones worth loving are those who are happy/healthy/whole in body or mind is not true. I love someone more when they're struggling or suffering. I don't believe that they don't deserve a boyfriend or girlfriend at that time in their lives because they're going through a bad time. People come into our lives at different times, for different reasons. How many times have you heard someone say that they were lucky that this person came into their life when they did or they wouldn't be here? Or that someone/something saved them? You need to be loved and cared for when you're low, so that you can come back up. It's not a bad thing to rely on someone else. We don't have to be independent every single minute. Yeah, your worth shouldn't be defined by anyone else and you should have the capacity to survive on your own (aka single women shouldn't depend on a man to be happy), but why isn't it ok to need someone in your life? If they make it better, aren't they important? I hear my friends/relatives say all the time how they can't live without so-and-so, how blessed they are to have the life they have, how happy they are that they have someone beside them, to hold their hand, kiss, help with chores, take care of them when they're sick, buy them flowers, etc. It's all true, and it's the way it should be. I'm glad you have it. So why am I put down for wanting that for myself? Your lifestyle has changed, you're not in my position anymore. You're waving a million dollars in my face and telling me to be grateful for having a penny. But I know what it feels like to be content, I know what it feels like to date a guy who's also your best friend, I know what it feels like to be loved and supported. So, who are you to tell me I should try to enjoy being single or I'm not "ready"? Not ready to be loved? What do I have to do to meet that criteria?

Actually, I already know. I've been told enough times what's wrong with me, what I need to do, how I must not be doing it right or it would be happening, etc etc. Or the list of reasons why no man wants me and why no one will ever want to have children with me (or raise their child). Yeah, 2010/2011 was eye-opening in the worst possible sense. But I got through it. All of it. And I'm still alive and functioning and *maybe* getting better. But I shouldn't have to in order for someone to love me. Just learn who I am and accept...and love me. I need someone who can challenge me and fight for me and keep up with me and calm me down and just BE THERE. Being there, staying seems to be the part I can't keep. Don't tell me all the good things about me if you can't back it up with actions.

I'm so tired. And tired of writing, thinking. I didn't say all I wanted to say, it's not all out. And I'm still frustrated. I feel like I can't win. And 35 years of that is a lot of failure. I keep trying my best, because that's me. And I keep living my life, because that's trying. I'm not happy. And there's so much I could say. The hits keep coming and I protect those I love from the truth. They don't want it. I've tried to explain. I'm tired. Some things are better left unsaid. But some things need to be said. Loved or not, I can only be me. I feel what I feel, I want what I want and I do things my own way. Why is that bad? "It's better to be alone than in a bad relationship" -- ok, but isn't it even better to be in a good one and be happy and loved? If that's the alternative, I'm not going to choose to be alone. If you choose to be single (after a breakup, for independence), good, enjoy it. But if you've been abandoned and a lot of years have gone by and you want a companion, you shouldn't have to just accept it and enjoy it. Pain is not fun. Lonliness is not fun. You can't make it turn into happiness. You can be happy for other reasons, other things, but the pain still exists for as long as it exists. Like grief, you don't just "get over it" and cheer up. There's no time limit and everyone handles it differently. It's supposed to happen that way. Let me be. I'm not made to be a "dater" or excel at social activity. It's exhausting and causes anxiety. I'm made to be a nurturer, a lover, a mother. To give and do. I don't just want to be loved, I need someone I can love. I need a purpose. Do you see?


I'm grateful for the things I have...and I give them my love and my life. It's all I have to give.

"Victory of the people" -- that's what my name means. I save them. And who saves me? That's not the plan, maybe. OK.


Life is what it is. I do my best.