Angels

"A vampire or a victim, it depends on who's around."


I want to be better. I can be better than this. Not health-wise....that I don't know. But emotionally. Or behaviorally. As a better person. I want to say "nicer", but I am nice. Just not every day, in every situation. Isn't that too much to ask? Even of myself. And I can't be nicer for others because that's just letting myself be used, controlled, having no judgement for myself. I have to have control - so I feel secure. So I know that my life is my own. And I don't have to live based on anyone else's standards. I don't have to suffer at the hands of anyone else or stay in an environment that's unhealthy for me. I need this. For me.

I took a CBT assessment today (Cognitive Styles Test - Android app). It was accurate and in some parts, surprising. I scored low on passivity and external control - which is good because it means that I stand up for myself, take control of situations, and don't let others take credit for my work or blame me for something that wasn't my fault (or they did wrong). On the other hand, I scored high on perfectionism, anxiety, and blaming myself (or others) for not meeting certain standards. I try to see the best in things and maybe I see too much of what could be...and what I perceive should be. I'm too dependent on others for approval and support and I avoid saying or doing something for fear that it will upset someone or be taken the wrong way. Nothing I've ever done in my life has been to spark controversy or debate. I see the world through my own senses and reasoning and speak from my heart. Right or wrong. All I ever wanted was understanding...or at the very least, acceptance. For who I am now, for who I was then, for who I will be. Not pity or conditions - "well, I do accept you...but if you did this or changed this.." "I do understand, I've been through it. But you need to do it this way..." That's not accepting ME, that's not understanding ME. Or you'd already know the right thing to say. I've already told you...

I get it. People want to help. Maybe they only know one way or think their way is the right way. I think my way is the right way too - for ME. I don't expect anyone else to live my life choices. It could possibly work for someone else; people say I help them or inspire them just from sharing my thoughts. They help me by showing me I'm not the only one. But I don't tell people what they should do. It's not my life. If you're an adult you should be responsible and able to make your own choices. Guidance is fine, asking someone's opinion, venting to a friend. All good - if that's what THEY choose. Don't force it on them or put them down for not doing it your way (or even choosing not to listen). Ask why, figure out why, take time to understand. Pay attention to the little things, it matters. But no one has to listen to me either. I just know what I feel. And I'm just talking to myself anyway.

I know my faults and I've never lied about who I am. I admit when I'm wrong, no matter how much it bruises my pride. I'm too sensitive, I explain too much, I'm moody and emotional. When I have a bad day or I'm in pain or someone does something I consider wrong or hurtful to me...I'm not nice. I'm irritated and distant and defensive. Some would say I have a right. And I do have a right to feel my own emotions. It's what I do with them that matters. Maybe I can be mean with my "eye for an eye" mentality, but to me that's just arguing - getting the words in my head out in the open. You'll never hear me call someone a name or list their "flaws" and secrets and ridicule them. Some things are just wrong. But not everyone thinks that kind of thing is wrong. They think I'm wrong for saying something at all. I was "asking for it for a long time, just begging for it." Do you know what that sounds like? How it feels to be told you're such a failure to someone you care for? To be called all the bad words in the book? While everyone watched. And I wasn't supposed to be upset. Because it was the truth (as they saw it)..."and if you can't count on your friends to tell the truth, who can you count on?" Maybe the one who pitied the "poor" band member for becoming my friend online last year? Or the one who told me to go ahead and keep worshiping my "false God" so I can continue to be exactly the way I am? Have a nice life. Or the girl who told me I should be slapped for being too sad about my dead aunt? Or the one who called me an imposter (on my group page - you do NOT touch what belongs to me) because I pulled myself out of a deep depression and had a "happy" day watching tour videos? Those are the people I should count on? All those who called me crazy for working so hard for a band they claim to love...or saying I'm not good enough, I don't count because this person does everything better or that person acts more "normal"? Just because once upon a time they told me they cared? Not the ones who stood up for me against the constant abuse, who called me to make sure I was ok on my worst days, who literally held my hand and encouraged me, told me I wasn't all the bad things in the nasty messages I get, the ones who are happy to see me...prove they love me and that I'm worth the fight. I shouldn't listen to them because they're just telling me what I want to hear. Nice things aren't true. No - they are telling me what I NEED to hear to believe in myself. Because if you understand at all the way depression and low self-esteem works, you know it's hard for us to tell it to ourselves. And whether something's true not, there are ways to say it. And because I won't ever be able to forget what happened 2 years ago, a year ago, 20 years ago...I'm going to remember the way the words looked laid out on the page or the way your face looked or the room we were in or what music was playing. I hate having all these images in my head (& the emotions to go along with the memories) but it's how my brain is. I'm a Cancer.

And no, I'm not "friends" with them anymore. I know who I can trust and I know who I can't. And who will never really see me...or like me. Sorry for all I've hurt, but you hurt me too. Stay off of my page if you don't like my life. And I've never listed names..why? Few people know the facts behind my thoughts. Protecting people who would prefer I disappeared off the face of the planet? No...I just keep things to myself. Some people just look at me and make up stories about who they think I am. Or that's how it seems sometimes...if they don't know me. I'm still learning. And I'm not a people person. The thing with me is, I will love you forever and find all the good things about you no matter your personality or flaws. If you overreact, I can understand. If you cry, I can relate. I'll support you and encourage you and remember all of your favorite things. If we disagree, fine. If we argue, maybe I'll be mad at you, give you the silent treatment...but you'll still be there in my life. BUT if you betray me or lie or deliberately hurt me (or someone else I love) that's it. I could try to get past it...I always try. But if you continue to put me down or make your friends my enemies. And not appologize or talk it out, work through it...how can I forgive? And even if I do, how can I trust that it won't happen again? That you really care and respect me when you've already made it clear that you resent me and believe I have failed? I don't really understand why someone would get mad because I won't be their friend when I know they don't like me. What's the point? My worth is sand to you...


I'm tired now. But it made me feel better to write. I was angry. But I'd rather be that than upset. Anger goes away. These other scars don't. Mostly it's 2 men on my mind. But like always, one bad memory brings up another...and another. I already explained why I can't just let go of things and move on in my other blog post. And if the sight/sound of someone's name or looking at their picture fills me with panic and sickness and pain, I can't keep them close to me. No matter how good of a person they are or how many mutual friends we have. I have to take care of myself just a little bit. Listen to my intuition. It's important. I can only give so much. My heart is broken and it has limits. I won't apologize for making the right choice for myself. I have to live with myself. You can walk away.

I miss you Aunt Star. I miss my Caoimhe. I miss Lazy baby. I want you back...
The pain is so much. I just wonder why. What's left? I'll try to be better, for you. Because you loved me. And I'll never stop loving you. I don't stop.

Angels