I've been working really hard on keeping a positive outlook. Trying to inspire others while I improve myself. It's a fight sometimes. And to be honest, I'm really struggling right now. The usual: generalized anxiety, depression, grief, Seasonal Affective Disorder, holiday busyness and stress. With some dermatillomania and hypoglycemia thrown in. I haven't been eating as well as I should, haven't been exercising, haven't been using my CBT tools as effectively as I should, haven't been writing. I've been so tired, physically and emotionally. Completely drained. But I'm not giving up.
Being in a house full of people is very difficult because the noise and food smells and barrage of emotions from others overwhelms me. My senses are very heightened, especially when I'm already not feeling well. Yesterday was painful. And I can't really talk about because they don't understand. They don't feel it. "You shouldn't feel like that if it's family." But that doesn't matter, the effect is the same. But I just have to take time away from everything and sit in the quiet, alone. It's the only way I can survive.
This time of year is always hard. So many memories in my head, missing those who aren't here any longer. For a long time after my aunt died, I dreaded Christmas and didn't see the point of celebrating. I couldn't feel happy because there was so much pain associated with it. She died 4 days after Christmas in 2006 and Christmas Day was the last time that I saw her. And with all the family passings that happened in the following years - many during the winter months and near holidays - it became increasingly difficult.
See, Christmas used to be my favorite holiday, something that I looked forward to, ever since I was a kid. Not just about gifts, but the whole celebration of it. The tree, the decorations, the songs, the emotions in the air. Now I feel a slight sense of panic when the stores start laying out the Christmas decorations or playing holiday tunes (too early, in my opinion). My mind tells me, "I'm not ready! I'm not ready! I'm not ready!" But it's not Christmas that I'm not ready for as much as what comes after. The 29th.
The past few years, however, I've been able to enjoy the holidays again. Maybe because I have so many nieces and nephews to buy presents for and giving is the one thing that makes me happiest. Every year I'm so focused on everyone else, that I forget that I will be receiving gifts too. Seriously, every year. I don't think about it until closer to the day and then I think, "Oh, that's right..." I'm not a materialistic person and don't ask for much (ever), so when people think of me and give me something from their heart, it means a lot. No matter what it is, I'm always grateful. But the best feeling is when I make someone else happy. I'm pretty good at finding gifts for people because I listen and pay attention to what they like. That's important - getting them something that represents them or their needs. I try to see it from their perspective and imagine their reaction. I never have much money but I do my best. I'm pretty good at finding bargains too.
This year, I feel pretty good about Christmas (besides the anxiety stuff). I'm not dreading the holiday because I'm excited to see how the kids will react to what I bought. And I tried to get the adults things they could use (and a few fun things).
I'm also looking forward to New Year's Eve. That holiday always gave me mixed feelings because I was always single and never had a kiss at midnight (until recently). I went to parties, concerts, had fun...but never felt satisfied. I'm not one for kissing strangers or bringing a date just to say I have a date. I can do it on my own. But I wish I didn't have to. There is someone I'm interested in, a good man who appreciates and values me. But we're just friends and I'm not sure how he feels or what he wants. Whether he's even ready for me. I could ask...but I want it to be his choice. I need someone who will choose me...and stay. I'm happy with our friendship but I do want more. And so, I pray for a kiss at midnight. With this man who makes my heart skip a beat (has that even happened so often with anyone else?) and my soul smile. But I accept that it may not be the right time and more work may need to be done on this situation. I'm not rushing this. I'm not chasing. It's necessary to do this the right way, a different way, so that my past doesn’t repeat itself. If you want something different, you have to do something different.
I have many insecurities and fears, but I also have hope and faith. I believe. And I'm not giving up. I deserve to be happy. It's my time.
Lots of love to anyone who reads this.
Have a Merry Christmas!
Sunday, December 24, 2017
Friday, June 16, 2017
Progress
It's been a year since I wrote my last blog post. I can't say that my love life has improved, but I have. I've made so much internal progress over the past year, and notably, since October 2016. That's when I began therapy...for the first time in my life. I'd considered it before and it had been suggested to me from various doctors and friends, but I was never ready. I began taking medication again (after 2 years of being off of antidepressants and using natural remedies) because my anxiety symptoms were unmanageable and interfered with my daily life and well-being. It went from a few days a month of feeling "crazy" and emotional, to daily bouts of recurring anxiety and panic. Sometimes I'd have a few days where I'd feel "normal" and relaxed, then the anxiety would set in again. The depression issues that I had in the past were not as present and I've only had one major episode in the past year. I was able to use CBT/DBT techniques that I learned on my own (through research) to manage my depression to the point of almost non-existence. I'd have days here and there where I'd feel down and unmotivated, but I'd be able to pull myself out of it within a day or two (as opposed to weeks). So I felt that I was managing that well. The anxiety was not so easy to overcome. I did not have the right tools and was only able to calm myself down temporarily. I needed help.
I spoke to my doctor about it and she prescribed a medication similar to what I had been on in 2008, which did help with depression back then, but did not alleviate anxiety at all...so I was a little skeptical. But I hoped for the best. This new one balanced out my mood better, but was still lacking in lessening the frequency and intensity of my anxiety attacks. Basically, anxiety is constantly present under the surface, almost daily, but it would build and become overwhelming or be triggered by an outside stimulus. Irritation, panic, fear, nausea, excessive worries...times ten. The "anxiety bees" would be buzzing inside. How do you get them out? You don't want to hear those thoughts.
So, the one med didn't work well enough and a supplement was added - which did work. I could see an improvement within a couple weeks. The constant anxiety was less frequent and the overwhelming attacks became very rare. Nothing can take everything away and anxiety is a natural warning system that humans need from time to time. But when you have a diagnosed anxiety disorder (G.A.D.), you're in fight-or-flight mode all the time. That is not good for your body. Stress weakens your immune system and causes other health problems. I felt that I was still not able to manage my anxiety as well as I liked, so my doctor suggested talk therapy. I agreed to try it. It was time. During the initial meeting, I found the therapist understanding and sympathetic and helpful.
And for the first time in years I felt HOPE -- that I may one day beat this thing. Or at least be able to live with it and have peace. That's why I decided to go back and continue on this program. It's not a "sit and talk about all of your problems" sort of session. It's geared specifically toward learning how to manage anxiety through cognitive behavioral therapy. Which is, basically, restructuring your thoughts from the negative to the positive. It's not just thinking happy thoughts. You have to dig deep to the root of the problem and practice exercises to condition your mind to operate in a different way. I had homework to do after every session -- worksheets to fill out, coping mechanisms (what we call "tools") to learn, breathing exercises, and so many other techniques that I had to do on my own. I had to interact with other people in my life and use these techniques. I had to use them when I was triggered and in a state of panic. Which is very hard to do. But I tried. I put in the work, I went above and beyond. And I progressed. I impressed my therapist with my insight and willingness to fight this. You have to be ready, that's the thing. I couldn't have done this before, because recovery is HARD work. But I was ready to do it.
It will take years, I'm sure, until I'm able to use my tools the moment that I feel anxiety coming on and stop it immediately. And one day, maybe it won't happen at all. Or maybe it will always be a part of me. But I'm getting better. I can recognize what's happening as soon as I start to feel "off" and know that anxiety is creeping in. This type is kind of like having a cold -- you can't get rid of it, you just have to let it pass out of your system. You can use medication or other distractions for temporary relief, but it's still there until it leaves on its own. My job is to manage the anxiety. I have trouble with the CBT idea of "embracing it" or even accepting it. Because I hate it and don't want it to be a part of my life. It makes me feel like I'm going crazy and I'm not myself. I can see who I am and that's not me. Something else takes over and I'm not in control. And I always want to be in control. But that's not possible and this is a part of me. Most times, people don't even notice when anxiety is there because I'm able to appear to function normally. I have high-functioning depression and anxiety because I can still take care of myself and others, work, drive, interact socially, etc, etc. It takes all of my effort some days, just to make it through the day, but I'm able to do it. That was not always true, but at this point, I can. My weight has been stable too (even gaining weight), so the stress-starvation thing is not a struggle at the moment either.
I can see that I've made progress and that my mind tries to restructure itself every time a stressful situation arises. It might take some time and I may start to fall into my old behavior patterns (like punishing myself by letting the stress eat away at me and worry worry worry), but then I do use a positive behavior and pull myself away from that. I tell myself that I don't deserve to feel that way. I ask myself the questions from the worksheets and think about sentence structure and irrational beliefs -- how can I exchange the words in this statement (thought) to become more positive and hopeful. I try to calm myself down through breathing or put on some music. I have an emergency plan and people that I can reach out to. Some things have become automatic -- like a few months ago when I woke up during the night and had a lot of fears and worries and immediately turned on the Tufstrings album to calm myself. I surprised and impressed myself with that. Usually I would not have tried to help myself feel better and would have let the worries overtake me. Part of the low self-worth thing with depression. But music heals me and it's time to let myself be healed. 'PRN', especially, helps calm my anxiety. I played that song in my head during two different panic attacks and it got me out of it. If there's no music available, I can still hear the music in my mind.
My sessions are almost over and I'm considering long-term CBT therapy. But I'm taking my time with it and will do it when I'm ready. I'm managing very well on my own (with monthly check-ins) and I'm still practicing the techniques. I think the thing that helps me the most is now being able to recognize what's happening, when it's happening, and the reasons for it. Even if the reason is that it's happening for no reason, which is part of it too. No triggers, no difficult situation, it just happens. It's a brain chemistry thing. It can't be controlled consciously. It's chronic and recurring. It's expected. I understand that. I accept that. But I won't accept it controlling my life and stopping me from doing what I want to do. I am very strong. Even at my weakest, I am very strong. I have not given up. I'm still alive. And I'm making progress.
I spoke to my doctor about it and she prescribed a medication similar to what I had been on in 2008, which did help with depression back then, but did not alleviate anxiety at all...so I was a little skeptical. But I hoped for the best. This new one balanced out my mood better, but was still lacking in lessening the frequency and intensity of my anxiety attacks. Basically, anxiety is constantly present under the surface, almost daily, but it would build and become overwhelming or be triggered by an outside stimulus. Irritation, panic, fear, nausea, excessive worries...times ten. The "anxiety bees" would be buzzing inside. How do you get them out? You don't want to hear those thoughts.
So, the one med didn't work well enough and a supplement was added - which did work. I could see an improvement within a couple weeks. The constant anxiety was less frequent and the overwhelming attacks became very rare. Nothing can take everything away and anxiety is a natural warning system that humans need from time to time. But when you have a diagnosed anxiety disorder (G.A.D.), you're in fight-or-flight mode all the time. That is not good for your body. Stress weakens your immune system and causes other health problems. I felt that I was still not able to manage my anxiety as well as I liked, so my doctor suggested talk therapy. I agreed to try it. It was time. During the initial meeting, I found the therapist understanding and sympathetic and helpful.
And for the first time in years I felt HOPE -- that I may one day beat this thing. Or at least be able to live with it and have peace. That's why I decided to go back and continue on this program. It's not a "sit and talk about all of your problems" sort of session. It's geared specifically toward learning how to manage anxiety through cognitive behavioral therapy. Which is, basically, restructuring your thoughts from the negative to the positive. It's not just thinking happy thoughts. You have to dig deep to the root of the problem and practice exercises to condition your mind to operate in a different way. I had homework to do after every session -- worksheets to fill out, coping mechanisms (what we call "tools") to learn, breathing exercises, and so many other techniques that I had to do on my own. I had to interact with other people in my life and use these techniques. I had to use them when I was triggered and in a state of panic. Which is very hard to do. But I tried. I put in the work, I went above and beyond. And I progressed. I impressed my therapist with my insight and willingness to fight this. You have to be ready, that's the thing. I couldn't have done this before, because recovery is HARD work. But I was ready to do it.
It will take years, I'm sure, until I'm able to use my tools the moment that I feel anxiety coming on and stop it immediately. And one day, maybe it won't happen at all. Or maybe it will always be a part of me. But I'm getting better. I can recognize what's happening as soon as I start to feel "off" and know that anxiety is creeping in. This type is kind of like having a cold -- you can't get rid of it, you just have to let it pass out of your system. You can use medication or other distractions for temporary relief, but it's still there until it leaves on its own. My job is to manage the anxiety. I have trouble with the CBT idea of "embracing it" or even accepting it. Because I hate it and don't want it to be a part of my life. It makes me feel like I'm going crazy and I'm not myself. I can see who I am and that's not me. Something else takes over and I'm not in control. And I always want to be in control. But that's not possible and this is a part of me. Most times, people don't even notice when anxiety is there because I'm able to appear to function normally. I have high-functioning depression and anxiety because I can still take care of myself and others, work, drive, interact socially, etc, etc. It takes all of my effort some days, just to make it through the day, but I'm able to do it. That was not always true, but at this point, I can. My weight has been stable too (even gaining weight), so the stress-starvation thing is not a struggle at the moment either.
I can see that I've made progress and that my mind tries to restructure itself every time a stressful situation arises. It might take some time and I may start to fall into my old behavior patterns (like punishing myself by letting the stress eat away at me and worry worry worry), but then I do use a positive behavior and pull myself away from that. I tell myself that I don't deserve to feel that way. I ask myself the questions from the worksheets and think about sentence structure and irrational beliefs -- how can I exchange the words in this statement (thought) to become more positive and hopeful. I try to calm myself down through breathing or put on some music. I have an emergency plan and people that I can reach out to. Some things have become automatic -- like a few months ago when I woke up during the night and had a lot of fears and worries and immediately turned on the Tufstrings album to calm myself. I surprised and impressed myself with that. Usually I would not have tried to help myself feel better and would have let the worries overtake me. Part of the low self-worth thing with depression. But music heals me and it's time to let myself be healed. 'PRN', especially, helps calm my anxiety. I played that song in my head during two different panic attacks and it got me out of it. If there's no music available, I can still hear the music in my mind.
My sessions are almost over and I'm considering long-term CBT therapy. But I'm taking my time with it and will do it when I'm ready. I'm managing very well on my own (with monthly check-ins) and I'm still practicing the techniques. I think the thing that helps me the most is now being able to recognize what's happening, when it's happening, and the reasons for it. Even if the reason is that it's happening for no reason, which is part of it too. No triggers, no difficult situation, it just happens. It's a brain chemistry thing. It can't be controlled consciously. It's chronic and recurring. It's expected. I understand that. I accept that. But I won't accept it controlling my life and stopping me from doing what I want to do. I am very strong. Even at my weakest, I am very strong. I have not given up. I'm still alive. And I'm making progress.
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Blueprints
My love life has followed a predictable path, which I have only realized recently. I thought that dating guys of different ages, races, backgrounds, from different cities, meant that I was doing something different each time. It wasn't my intention to have so much diversity, I'm just attracted to many kinds of people and dated men that I had a connection with. And some that I didn't. The underlying goal was to find "the one" and I never knew in what form he'd appear to me, so I took chances on guys I wasn't really into, because you never know. What if he's who I'm meant to be with and I just don't know it right away? What if? But of course, they never were. And now I won't take those chances, because I know how my heart works. If the spark is not there for me in the beginning, it won't be there for me later. But the problem is, even if there's no chemistry, I still care for the person and may want to see where it goes. My heart is able to love in many ways. Friendship is still a major love. And nice guys have asked me out. But that trait is not enough of a reason anymore. The possibility of "what if" isn't enough. Even the caring is not enough. Because it's just settling. If I'm not excited at the prospect of dating someone, I'm not going to do it. That's the new rule. Because, why shouldn't I have something that makes me happy? Don't I deserve to get what I want and be with someone I'm attracted to? It can't always be about what they want. They want ME so I'm obligated to give them a chance? No. That's not fair to anyone. I'm nice, but I deserve more than disappointment and discomfort and guilt and trying to please everyone else. Of course I want a "nice guy", a good-hearted man, but there has to be a connection too. He has to see my worth too. He has to be supportive and fight for the relationship and love me unconditionally too. I can't do it all on my own. Not anymore. I know what it feels like to be so completely in love and feel so loved back. I won't accept less than that. I already found who I thought was "the one", so I'm not searching for that anymore. That's over and done. Maybe he wasn't good for me and too many things were wrong with the relationship, but the outcome doesn't matter because my heart doesn't have that desire to search anymore. I'll wait for what comes to me. If it doesn't make me feel good, I don't want it.
And I know that most relationships don't start out as a big love affair and you have to get to know someone, but that's the point too. I have to want to learn all about them and want to spend time with them...and they have to want that from me too. It's easy to fall into things and brush aside the bad parts and ignore the red flags. Or to just date someone because they're there and the best option you have at the time. I'm not one for leaving someone for someone better and have never broken up with anyone, but it has happened to me almost every time. I'm the one who stays and wants to keep trying. They leave.
And maybe that was for the best (as much as I dislike that phrase). Because I would have kept trying...beyond emotional abuse, beyond toxicity, beyond indifference. I would have kept trying to find a way to make it work. Because that's my nature. I don't give up. Even when I should. So they break me and leave me and I'm forced to let go. Which I do. I don't go back. I'll give my all to the very end, but when I'm done, I'm done. That's why it's so hard for me to get over it. It's not just the feelings or the disillusionment ending, it's the finality of the loss. It's a death for me. So I grieve, for a long time.
Occasionally, they come back. Which is not something I ever experienced before 2014. No one ever came back before. When they go, that's the last time I ever hear from or see them again. Hence the part about it feeling like a death. They disappear off the planet as far as I know. No bumping into exes in the grocery store, no late night calls saying they miss me and want me back. Never happened in the past. I've never gotten back together with an ex. I've wanted to, hoped and prayed that it would happen, but no. All of my friends, everyone in the world, talked about getting back together with exes. Phone calls, reconnecting on FB, etc, etc. What was so wrong with me that no one ever wanted me back? People would say to me, "when you hear from him again, say this..." Or, "have you heard back from him yet?" Yet? What's that? Like it's even a possibility? Doesn't happen, even if I was weak and contacted them again. No reply. Until these last two guys. I don't know why. Things are different, I'm different, I know my worth now, so they can see that I'm special and want me in their lives in some way? I guess. But they came back, at various times. Unexpectedly (and not quite welcome, at first). My 'False Prophets' blog post talks about what happened when I considered going back. Some people get second chances (or 3rd or 4th) and can make it work the next time. I'm a romantic, I believe in that. Like I said, I used to hope for that each time. But it can only work if both people are invested in the relationship and put the work into fixing the things that were damaged before. That didn't happen.
Sometimes you get closure, or at least a chance to talk about some of the things you didn't get to say before. I held onto a lot of pain over the years. Usually I have to just let go and move on, without really knowing why it ended. Or the reasons don't make sense to me. I am incapable of suddenly losing feelings or interest in someone, so my brain can't comprehend it when someone else does. How do you just stop caring or loving someone? How do you just change your mind? I can't, so I don't understand. But it happens. Or so it seems at the time. The reality is that there were fears and doubts and other factors in their personal lives that caused them to react that way. To give up or let go or search for someone else who fits a certain image. What we think we want isn't always what we need. Sometimes we're controlled by our demons and do what we need to do to feel comfortable. I understand that. And I appreciate it when someone admits that it was their issues that got in the way and not something I did wrong, or that I was in some way lacking, like I was originally led to believe. Not that I did everything right, but I tried to do my best. You have to accept me for what I am, because that's all I am. I think sometimes people have this image of what they think I am or what they think I will do, but I'm completely different inside. It's hard to get to know me and I hold a lot inside, but what I show you is genuine. What I tell you is the truth. And if I trust you enough to open up, then you'll know the real me. It can be intense. And it takes time.
I haven't dated that many guys. I've had a lot of empty years, a lot of loneliness. Especially when there's someone I want to be with but can't. I look young, so people think I have plenty of time to date around and figure this out. But I'm almost 38 years old and I'm tired of dating. Tired of short-term relationships and games. I'm too old for that. I can't do casual dating, it was never appealing to me. I want kids more than anything and I'm running out of time. Especially with these health issues...I don't know if that's even part of my future. But I want to try. I know I'm capable of raising a child on my own, but financially I can't right now. And anxiety is becoming a burden. But things can change, things can be overcome. I don't need a man for anything. But what's wrong with wanting someone special in my life to share things with or talk to or laugh with. To have someone that I want to have a family with and a life of my own. Someone who wants that with me...and is willing to go after it. And keep trying, keep working. Not give up. Accept me for me. Be there, always. It may not happen, but I can still want it.
I had to change my ways, shift my perspective. Say no to people I would have said yes to before. Put myself first and see my worth. What do I need? What do I want? What can't I accept in a relationship? What can I compromise on? In the past I compromised on almost everything. I could love someone despite their flaws. Maybe that's a good thing in general, but I didn't allow myself to be treated the right way. Because they didn't accept my flaws or care about my well-being enough to not hurt me. If they said something critical or acted like I was strange or too different (especially too quiet), too bad. That's the way it was. With friends, with family, that's what I was used to hearing. I expected it. I allowed it. I didn't know that I was any better than that or even that there were other people in the world like me. Or that I didn't have to allow or accept it. Some people will never understand me. I AM different. But that's who I am. And I don't need someone in my life who doesn't want me around or only tolerates me and looks down on me. I don't need anyone that much. No matter how I feel.
All of these things are factors in the types of relationships I've had, the types of guys I've dated...and why it never worked. But it goes back farther than that and what I just realized as the initial blueprint. Not one I chose, but happened because of circumstance: The guy who asked to take me to prom when I was 17. He was 19, had already graduated from another school and I met him through my cousin. The first guy who ever liked me. Guys before that mostly laughed at me or ignored me (I have a lifetime of self-esteem issues, but that's another story). This guy was sweet and cute and tall and didn't seem to care that I was quiet or awkward. We only saw each other in person a few times but we talked on the phone a lot. And he asked me to my prom. I was so happy. We talked on Valentine's day, then I didn't hear from him much. The next time that I called his house, his sister said he had moved out. Some issue with his father. I asked if he had another number, she said not yet. This was in 1996, before cell phones. He was my cousin's boyfriend's best friend, but they had broken up, so that wasn't an avenue for contact either. Now, I know what I could have done to track him down or keep trying, but I was a kid and didn't know what to do then. I kept waiting for him to call. But I never heard from him again. The months went by and I ended up going to prom alone...because I didn't want to say that I never went to my prom. It wasn't worth it though.
When I went to college, I met a lot of guys who were interested in me (a new experience) to the point where they were intimidated and literally ran away. But I was always "too quiet" and nothing happened but bad dates. My sophomore year was the first time I fell in love. He was a great guy, super funny, and we dated on and off for 2 years. But early on he admitted that he didn't want to be committed to anyone yet and would probably date other women. It was my choice whether to stay with him...and I did. So I comprised to get what I wanted and ended up not really getting what I wanted. Eventually he moved back to Georgia and stopped returning my calls. I tried contacting him for so long, just to talk it out. But no closure. Took 3 years to get over him completely.
But I tried again. And again and again, searching for the right man for me. And unfortunately, kept dating guys who were afraid of commitment or disappeared without a word or came on so strongly at the beginning and then changed their minds. Or were so damaged by their pasts, they couldn't trust anyone new enough to have a healthy relationship. Or some combination of those. It was the norm. It was my only experience with dating and what I thought I deserved. I could see all the other ways, the good relationships, the fairytales in my mind, but I couldn't attain them. I was always so disappointed and discouraged. Then came the time when no one was interested in dating me at all and if I even had a crush on someone, suddenly they were with someone else. Worse if they showed interest in me and I thought we were starting something, then nope. They have a new girlfriend (and a few times - she's pregnant). Lovely. Out of the blue, just like that? Every time. I felt like I was cursed. Like "Good Luck Chuck" without all the fun stuff first. I felt like everything was being taken away from me and my life was just a big joke. And then I had to watch everyone else, everyone younger than me get married and have kids...it's painful.
More heartbreak, low self-esteem, life traumas, etc. The past 10 years have not been kind. But there are good people in my life and the past 2 years have taught me a lot about myself. I had to rearrange my whole outlook on the future after my last relationship. Pick up the pieces put them back in a different way. I'm still hurting. But I know what I need and what I won't put up with anymore. I had to change. It's not all good things inside of me, but there's a strength that wasn't there before. I can walk away and not compromise. Not let myself be mistreated. Now you either value me or stay out of my life. Love me or leave me alone...
It's time to break the cycle.
And I know that most relationships don't start out as a big love affair and you have to get to know someone, but that's the point too. I have to want to learn all about them and want to spend time with them...and they have to want that from me too. It's easy to fall into things and brush aside the bad parts and ignore the red flags. Or to just date someone because they're there and the best option you have at the time. I'm not one for leaving someone for someone better and have never broken up with anyone, but it has happened to me almost every time. I'm the one who stays and wants to keep trying. They leave.
And maybe that was for the best (as much as I dislike that phrase). Because I would have kept trying...beyond emotional abuse, beyond toxicity, beyond indifference. I would have kept trying to find a way to make it work. Because that's my nature. I don't give up. Even when I should. So they break me and leave me and I'm forced to let go. Which I do. I don't go back. I'll give my all to the very end, but when I'm done, I'm done. That's why it's so hard for me to get over it. It's not just the feelings or the disillusionment ending, it's the finality of the loss. It's a death for me. So I grieve, for a long time.
Occasionally, they come back. Which is not something I ever experienced before 2014. No one ever came back before. When they go, that's the last time I ever hear from or see them again. Hence the part about it feeling like a death. They disappear off the planet as far as I know. No bumping into exes in the grocery store, no late night calls saying they miss me and want me back. Never happened in the past. I've never gotten back together with an ex. I've wanted to, hoped and prayed that it would happen, but no. All of my friends, everyone in the world, talked about getting back together with exes. Phone calls, reconnecting on FB, etc, etc. What was so wrong with me that no one ever wanted me back? People would say to me, "when you hear from him again, say this..." Or, "have you heard back from him yet?" Yet? What's that? Like it's even a possibility? Doesn't happen, even if I was weak and contacted them again. No reply. Until these last two guys. I don't know why. Things are different, I'm different, I know my worth now, so they can see that I'm special and want me in their lives in some way? I guess. But they came back, at various times. Unexpectedly (and not quite welcome, at first). My 'False Prophets' blog post talks about what happened when I considered going back. Some people get second chances (or 3rd or 4th) and can make it work the next time. I'm a romantic, I believe in that. Like I said, I used to hope for that each time. But it can only work if both people are invested in the relationship and put the work into fixing the things that were damaged before. That didn't happen.
Sometimes you get closure, or at least a chance to talk about some of the things you didn't get to say before. I held onto a lot of pain over the years. Usually I have to just let go and move on, without really knowing why it ended. Or the reasons don't make sense to me. I am incapable of suddenly losing feelings or interest in someone, so my brain can't comprehend it when someone else does. How do you just stop caring or loving someone? How do you just change your mind? I can't, so I don't understand. But it happens. Or so it seems at the time. The reality is that there were fears and doubts and other factors in their personal lives that caused them to react that way. To give up or let go or search for someone else who fits a certain image. What we think we want isn't always what we need. Sometimes we're controlled by our demons and do what we need to do to feel comfortable. I understand that. And I appreciate it when someone admits that it was their issues that got in the way and not something I did wrong, or that I was in some way lacking, like I was originally led to believe. Not that I did everything right, but I tried to do my best. You have to accept me for what I am, because that's all I am. I think sometimes people have this image of what they think I am or what they think I will do, but I'm completely different inside. It's hard to get to know me and I hold a lot inside, but what I show you is genuine. What I tell you is the truth. And if I trust you enough to open up, then you'll know the real me. It can be intense. And it takes time.
I haven't dated that many guys. I've had a lot of empty years, a lot of loneliness. Especially when there's someone I want to be with but can't. I look young, so people think I have plenty of time to date around and figure this out. But I'm almost 38 years old and I'm tired of dating. Tired of short-term relationships and games. I'm too old for that. I can't do casual dating, it was never appealing to me. I want kids more than anything and I'm running out of time. Especially with these health issues...I don't know if that's even part of my future. But I want to try. I know I'm capable of raising a child on my own, but financially I can't right now. And anxiety is becoming a burden. But things can change, things can be overcome. I don't need a man for anything. But what's wrong with wanting someone special in my life to share things with or talk to or laugh with. To have someone that I want to have a family with and a life of my own. Someone who wants that with me...and is willing to go after it. And keep trying, keep working. Not give up. Accept me for me. Be there, always. It may not happen, but I can still want it.
I had to change my ways, shift my perspective. Say no to people I would have said yes to before. Put myself first and see my worth. What do I need? What do I want? What can't I accept in a relationship? What can I compromise on? In the past I compromised on almost everything. I could love someone despite their flaws. Maybe that's a good thing in general, but I didn't allow myself to be treated the right way. Because they didn't accept my flaws or care about my well-being enough to not hurt me. If they said something critical or acted like I was strange or too different (especially too quiet), too bad. That's the way it was. With friends, with family, that's what I was used to hearing. I expected it. I allowed it. I didn't know that I was any better than that or even that there were other people in the world like me. Or that I didn't have to allow or accept it. Some people will never understand me. I AM different. But that's who I am. And I don't need someone in my life who doesn't want me around or only tolerates me and looks down on me. I don't need anyone that much. No matter how I feel.
All of these things are factors in the types of relationships I've had, the types of guys I've dated...and why it never worked. But it goes back farther than that and what I just realized as the initial blueprint. Not one I chose, but happened because of circumstance: The guy who asked to take me to prom when I was 17. He was 19, had already graduated from another school and I met him through my cousin. The first guy who ever liked me. Guys before that mostly laughed at me or ignored me (I have a lifetime of self-esteem issues, but that's another story). This guy was sweet and cute and tall and didn't seem to care that I was quiet or awkward. We only saw each other in person a few times but we talked on the phone a lot. And he asked me to my prom. I was so happy. We talked on Valentine's day, then I didn't hear from him much. The next time that I called his house, his sister said he had moved out. Some issue with his father. I asked if he had another number, she said not yet. This was in 1996, before cell phones. He was my cousin's boyfriend's best friend, but they had broken up, so that wasn't an avenue for contact either. Now, I know what I could have done to track him down or keep trying, but I was a kid and didn't know what to do then. I kept waiting for him to call. But I never heard from him again. The months went by and I ended up going to prom alone...because I didn't want to say that I never went to my prom. It wasn't worth it though.
When I went to college, I met a lot of guys who were interested in me (a new experience) to the point where they were intimidated and literally ran away. But I was always "too quiet" and nothing happened but bad dates. My sophomore year was the first time I fell in love. He was a great guy, super funny, and we dated on and off for 2 years. But early on he admitted that he didn't want to be committed to anyone yet and would probably date other women. It was my choice whether to stay with him...and I did. So I comprised to get what I wanted and ended up not really getting what I wanted. Eventually he moved back to Georgia and stopped returning my calls. I tried contacting him for so long, just to talk it out. But no closure. Took 3 years to get over him completely.
But I tried again. And again and again, searching for the right man for me. And unfortunately, kept dating guys who were afraid of commitment or disappeared without a word or came on so strongly at the beginning and then changed their minds. Or were so damaged by their pasts, they couldn't trust anyone new enough to have a healthy relationship. Or some combination of those. It was the norm. It was my only experience with dating and what I thought I deserved. I could see all the other ways, the good relationships, the fairytales in my mind, but I couldn't attain them. I was always so disappointed and discouraged. Then came the time when no one was interested in dating me at all and if I even had a crush on someone, suddenly they were with someone else. Worse if they showed interest in me and I thought we were starting something, then nope. They have a new girlfriend (and a few times - she's pregnant). Lovely. Out of the blue, just like that? Every time. I felt like I was cursed. Like "Good Luck Chuck" without all the fun stuff first. I felt like everything was being taken away from me and my life was just a big joke. And then I had to watch everyone else, everyone younger than me get married and have kids...it's painful.
More heartbreak, low self-esteem, life traumas, etc. The past 10 years have not been kind. But there are good people in my life and the past 2 years have taught me a lot about myself. I had to rearrange my whole outlook on the future after my last relationship. Pick up the pieces put them back in a different way. I'm still hurting. But I know what I need and what I won't put up with anymore. I had to change. It's not all good things inside of me, but there's a strength that wasn't there before. I can walk away and not compromise. Not let myself be mistreated. Now you either value me or stay out of my life. Love me or leave me alone...
It's time to break the cycle.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
False Prophets
"Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves." (Matthew 7:15)
"We all, we all, we all have sorry hearts..." - Blue October/5591
Pieces of my thoughts:
You know how if you're having a nightmare and when you first wake up it still feels real and your heart's beating fast and you have to calm yourself down and tell yourself that it was just a dream? And maybe you're afraid to go back to sleep right away because you might dream about it again?
That's how anxiety is, except you're awake. And sometimes you can't calm yourself back down, no matter how much you tell yourself it's not real. You know rationally that it's not actually happening but your brain won't let you believe it. It keeps circling back to: "Oh my God, it's going to happen, it's going to happen." You FEEL it.
Obsessive thoughts.
I don't like them. Mostly I get the anxiety where I feel everything. Where everything hurts, physically. But for the past year I've had the thoughts too. Stark fear. I don't like it. Is it because I've been off medication for more than a year? Or because of all the dating mishaps, all the broken pieces I had to put back together in the past year? Or because I had something very real to lose...that I was afraid to lose...that I did lose. Holding on doesn't keep someone who wants to go away. Love means nothing. Words mean nothing. And nothing again.
It was a combination of things, I suppose. It doesn't matter. This is my life, I have to live it. This is reality, I have to deal with it.
I got past the worst of it. I was ready to move on, open that new door. And the one behind me opened again. He came out. He came back to me as the man I prayed for him to become. He was better. I actually started to believe...
But I was wrong. A wolf in sheep's clothing? Coming back as everything I ever wanted? Or maybe I was meant to see it, meant to hear the loving words, meant to get the answers I sought all of those empty months. And meant to process through my own feelings, the unresolved things. And the things I already knew. I didn't go back...but I wanted to. I would have. I needed him to prove that he really was that man, that things changed. I needed him to be there for me this time. I really needed him to be there. But he disappeared. It's what he does. I know this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let myself open up again. He's my weakness...and I love him. But I respect myself too much to get back into a situation that will hurt me...again. I don't know why this happened, why he came back if he had no intention of staying. If he couldn't make an effort for more than a few days. Did he feel rejected because I didn't jump at the chance to be with him and fall in line with what he wanted? Is that what all these other little girls did? That's not me. I needed time. I was honest. Did it matter? Does it matter now? What is the point of this?
I didn't need extra stress, not now. He came back the week before my surgery. I had so much to deal with already. Why would he put me through that when he knew? And treat me the way he did before, when he said he was wrong to do that before.
I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of this. I'm so tired. Tired of men, tired of false hope, tired of blood, tired of pain, tired of being tired and afraid. I'm afraid. I don't know what's in the future. Will I ever have kids? Will I ever have a stable life? Will the good things ever stay?
Please let the good things stay. Please help me. Please give me a reason.
I'm so tired of feeling sick and in pain every day. I didn't post anything (on FB) about my surgery two weeks ago because I didn't want to explain or go into details. The thought of it brought me terror and I barely talked about it. Two months of fear before it. For the reason and the act. The day of was scary and overwhelming and I had a panic attack (I don't like needles). I thought I was healing afterward but it's apparently going to take a lot of time. I barely have the strength to do anything at all and I'm too vulnerable and my mind feels broken. Abandonment issues. My anxiety makes me worry about everyone else to the extreme, every day. It's too much inside. I'm so tired of all of these hits and tests and trials and heartbreaks. Can I be done now?
I am grateful for things. My family and friends who have helped me and accommodated me. The fact that I can take off work on the worst days and stay in bed and rest. That there's someone who can take over for me. I'm grateful for health insurance. I just looked up the amount of the bills for the checkups and lab tests and surgery procedure...it was in the thousands. I'm grateful for music...Small Town Titans, Blue October, so many others. Ashleigh Stone, who inspired me. Tufstrings (Ryan D.)'s album, which has been the soundtrack of my nights. "PRN" was what got me through and out of that panic attack. I'm very visual...I could picture the notes and rhythms, see him "stomp" the way he did at the shows. It worked. Music saves me, every day.
I was ready to move on, ready to start down a different path. Maybe I wasn't meant to go that way. Maybe that's why this all happened. I don't know. I don't understand. More questions, less answers. Or maybe I'm not asking the right questions...
Maybe I'm where I'm supposed to be. I do know that the point of this health matter was to find it early and remove the affected area before it got worse. I know it was necessary.
Why did he come back? So that I could know that I was loved? That I wasn't wrong - everything I believed before, my faith, was true? Ok, I know it now. Maybe he'll come back...he always comes back. Maybe we all just need more time. God needs more time to work. I need time to heal. He needs? Time to become ready? For what I need? It's possible for him to become that man. I know it. I still believe in him. But I know what I deserve and I can't accept less.
I don't know where I am or what I want. I know who I am but I'm not that person right now. I'm not at my best. This goes beyond my "ugly side" but that's there too. Not much of a game face lately. Depression comes and goes.
My dog is here...I love her so much. She's a handful and has worse anxiety issues than me. But she's here. I'm grateful for the kids, my niece and nephew. I miss them. That was my routine, taking care of them. And I can't handle it right now. I miss Carter too.
I'm tired. But can't sleep. I feel lost and confused. I want things to be right. Good things to stay. Better days. Time passes.
And maybe time forgets. (Deep Ella song)
I'm second-guessing myself, having doubts. But writing helps.
Praying for better days ahead. And the strength to do what needs to be done.
"We all, we all, we all have sorry hearts..." - Blue October/5591
Pieces of my thoughts:
You know how if you're having a nightmare and when you first wake up it still feels real and your heart's beating fast and you have to calm yourself down and tell yourself that it was just a dream? And maybe you're afraid to go back to sleep right away because you might dream about it again?
That's how anxiety is, except you're awake. And sometimes you can't calm yourself back down, no matter how much you tell yourself it's not real. You know rationally that it's not actually happening but your brain won't let you believe it. It keeps circling back to: "Oh my God, it's going to happen, it's going to happen." You FEEL it.
Obsessive thoughts.
I don't like them. Mostly I get the anxiety where I feel everything. Where everything hurts, physically. But for the past year I've had the thoughts too. Stark fear. I don't like it. Is it because I've been off medication for more than a year? Or because of all the dating mishaps, all the broken pieces I had to put back together in the past year? Or because I had something very real to lose...that I was afraid to lose...that I did lose. Holding on doesn't keep someone who wants to go away. Love means nothing. Words mean nothing. And nothing again.
It was a combination of things, I suppose. It doesn't matter. This is my life, I have to live it. This is reality, I have to deal with it.
I got past the worst of it. I was ready to move on, open that new door. And the one behind me opened again. He came out. He came back to me as the man I prayed for him to become. He was better. I actually started to believe...
But I was wrong. A wolf in sheep's clothing? Coming back as everything I ever wanted? Or maybe I was meant to see it, meant to hear the loving words, meant to get the answers I sought all of those empty months. And meant to process through my own feelings, the unresolved things. And the things I already knew. I didn't go back...but I wanted to. I would have. I needed him to prove that he really was that man, that things changed. I needed him to be there for me this time. I really needed him to be there. But he disappeared. It's what he does. I know this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let myself open up again. He's my weakness...and I love him. But I respect myself too much to get back into a situation that will hurt me...again. I don't know why this happened, why he came back if he had no intention of staying. If he couldn't make an effort for more than a few days. Did he feel rejected because I didn't jump at the chance to be with him and fall in line with what he wanted? Is that what all these other little girls did? That's not me. I needed time. I was honest. Did it matter? Does it matter now? What is the point of this?
I didn't need extra stress, not now. He came back the week before my surgery. I had so much to deal with already. Why would he put me through that when he knew? And treat me the way he did before, when he said he was wrong to do that before.
I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of this. I'm so tired. Tired of men, tired of false hope, tired of blood, tired of pain, tired of being tired and afraid. I'm afraid. I don't know what's in the future. Will I ever have kids? Will I ever have a stable life? Will the good things ever stay?
Please let the good things stay. Please help me. Please give me a reason.
I'm so tired of feeling sick and in pain every day. I didn't post anything (on FB) about my surgery two weeks ago because I didn't want to explain or go into details. The thought of it brought me terror and I barely talked about it. Two months of fear before it. For the reason and the act. The day of was scary and overwhelming and I had a panic attack (I don't like needles). I thought I was healing afterward but it's apparently going to take a lot of time. I barely have the strength to do anything at all and I'm too vulnerable and my mind feels broken. Abandonment issues. My anxiety makes me worry about everyone else to the extreme, every day. It's too much inside. I'm so tired of all of these hits and tests and trials and heartbreaks. Can I be done now?
I am grateful for things. My family and friends who have helped me and accommodated me. The fact that I can take off work on the worst days and stay in bed and rest. That there's someone who can take over for me. I'm grateful for health insurance. I just looked up the amount of the bills for the checkups and lab tests and surgery procedure...it was in the thousands. I'm grateful for music...Small Town Titans, Blue October, so many others. Ashleigh Stone, who inspired me. Tufstrings (Ryan D.)'s album, which has been the soundtrack of my nights. "PRN" was what got me through and out of that panic attack. I'm very visual...I could picture the notes and rhythms, see him "stomp" the way he did at the shows. It worked. Music saves me, every day.
I was ready to move on, ready to start down a different path. Maybe I wasn't meant to go that way. Maybe that's why this all happened. I don't know. I don't understand. More questions, less answers. Or maybe I'm not asking the right questions...
Maybe I'm where I'm supposed to be. I do know that the point of this health matter was to find it early and remove the affected area before it got worse. I know it was necessary.
Why did he come back? So that I could know that I was loved? That I wasn't wrong - everything I believed before, my faith, was true? Ok, I know it now. Maybe he'll come back...he always comes back. Maybe we all just need more time. God needs more time to work. I need time to heal. He needs? Time to become ready? For what I need? It's possible for him to become that man. I know it. I still believe in him. But I know what I deserve and I can't accept less.
I don't know where I am or what I want. I know who I am but I'm not that person right now. I'm not at my best. This goes beyond my "ugly side" but that's there too. Not much of a game face lately. Depression comes and goes.
My dog is here...I love her so much. She's a handful and has worse anxiety issues than me. But she's here. I'm grateful for the kids, my niece and nephew. I miss them. That was my routine, taking care of them. And I can't handle it right now. I miss Carter too.
I'm tired. But can't sleep. I feel lost and confused. I want things to be right. Good things to stay. Better days. Time passes.
And maybe time forgets. (Deep Ella song)
I'm second-guessing myself, having doubts. But writing helps.
Praying for better days ahead. And the strength to do what needs to be done.
A new year, starting now...
Written on June 23, 2015:
Today's my 37th birthday. Most people don't know how old I am because I look younger than I am. I always have. I didn't really realize it until I was 13 and someone thought I was 10 years old. Not what someone just starting their teenage years wants to hear. My most important young milestones were marred by incorrect assumptions and careless attitudes by people who seemed eager to tell me just what they thought of me: when I was 16, I looked like "a little kid". Not very sweet. On my 18th birthday celebration, someone I just met said she thought I was 12. Really? That felt cruel at the time. Also the fact that guys my age thought the same, that I was young and boring and not worth the time. Any time throughout the past 2 decades that I told anyone my age, they gave me "that look" and either didn't believe me or thought something was wrong with me. So, birthdays (and my age, specifically) have not been something I talk about or look forward to. I'm an introvert, so all the attention is hard to handle as well. And my dog, Lazy, died on my 33rd birthday, so that's another reason to feel some dread at the approach. Bad memories.
But today, I had an epiphany: why not look at it as a new year, a new start this time. People always say to have a great year, because a birthday is a mark of another year of life. I never really looked at it as a New Year type of thing though. But why not? The first 6 months of this year have been terrible, heartbreaking. So why can't the next 6 months be better...a new chapter, a new year. I can look at it that way.
Today's my 37th birthday. Most people don't know how old I am because I look younger than I am. I always have. I didn't really realize it until I was 13 and someone thought I was 10 years old. Not what someone just starting their teenage years wants to hear. My most important young milestones were marred by incorrect assumptions and careless attitudes by people who seemed eager to tell me just what they thought of me: when I was 16, I looked like "a little kid". Not very sweet. On my 18th birthday celebration, someone I just met said she thought I was 12. Really? That felt cruel at the time. Also the fact that guys my age thought the same, that I was young and boring and not worth the time. Any time throughout the past 2 decades that I told anyone my age, they gave me "that look" and either didn't believe me or thought something was wrong with me. So, birthdays (and my age, specifically) have not been something I talk about or look forward to. I'm an introvert, so all the attention is hard to handle as well. And my dog, Lazy, died on my 33rd birthday, so that's another reason to feel some dread at the approach. Bad memories.
But today, I had an epiphany: why not look at it as a new year, a new start this time. People always say to have a great year, because a birthday is a mark of another year of life. I never really looked at it as a New Year type of thing though. But why not? The first 6 months of this year have been terrible, heartbreaking. So why can't the next 6 months be better...a new chapter, a new year. I can look at it that way.
Saturday, May 23, 2015
It's not Black or White to me
Do people who think they know me, actually know me?
Thinking...about the conversation with my Aunt Star (the year before she died?), where we discussed my hesitation to the idea of dating white guys. Not for lack of attraction or connection or anything else, but because of the way I grew up - the town, the school, the cliques and racist undertones of everything. Feeling like an outsider, always different. I didn't want to deal with more of that. Likely, racism against me from the other person's family and friends or judgment from everyone else, society. I just wanted to avoid the possibility of it happening. I was done with that stuff. I didn't live there anymore, but those fears followed me, even in the land of diversity and acceptance. All types of guys (especially Black) talked to me in KOP. But I took a chance, 2 years after she died, and asked a guy out, a white guy at work. It was not a good relationship, but had nothing to do with race, just our personalities clashing.
Would she be proud of me? For trying and being more open? For standing up for myself at that job, even though I got reprimanded? I think so. She was strong.
I talked to different races over the years, tried to date when I had a connection. So many false starts. And moving back to here, the town where I grew up...away from the diversity of Philly. Here...you're expected to be a certain way. And I never fit in. In school times, anyway. But I don't care now.
So, ten years (moved away and back) of being "single" and finally I have a romantic relationship again? With an older white guy. Then a younger white guy. Black guys around here don't seem interested enough to make a move. And the 2 that did (in 2012), weren't from around here anyway. But, it didn't work out. I can't be made to feel bad about myself...that won't make me date you. And you can't talk bad about my family, all the races and skin colors, the kids. No. We are who we are. It was a surprise that the white guys in this area were so interested in me. Never was an option in the past. Maybe it became like a victory to me...I was finally beautiful to them. Not just the shy little black girl. So why not take what was offered? If I feel it, I feel it.
People think they know me. My "preference"? Based on recent years. No, that's not it. I prefer color. I'm attracted to contrast of skin and hair with interesting features. Dark hair and dark eyes. Ethnic-looking. Tall. I'd rather have a big guy than someone too thin. But have I dated a guy with all that? Not really. I'm not searching for some ideal person. Looks aren't anything. Personality, humor, intelligence...those qualities matter. Race, religion, job...it doesn't determine how I feel about someone. And what I feel is what determines who you are to me. If I love you...
But people don't ask, they don't notice. They don't look back and follow the whole story of me. They look at one chapter, what they think it means, what it means to them. I see it. No one said it yet. This time. But I see it. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. Maybe no one even cares anymore. I'm trying not to care.
Do you know what it means to me? I follow my heart. I do what I feel is right for me at the time. If it's this person, then it's this person. If I don't feel a connection with someone, then I'm not going to do it, I won't settle. I've given too many chances because someone was "nice" and I didn't see a reason not to date them, or try. But the feelings don't materialize. It's just not there. I'm honest about my feelings. I won't let anyone pressure me. But I'm not cruel, I don't play games and dump people. I don't like to hurt anyone. Because I hurt so much.
I try. I keep trying. But...I think I can't right now. I'm not whole. And my heart isn't my own, not yet. But I know I need to make changes. Also, not let the bitterness and anger in. Not become that person. It's in me. But I won't become that.
My first boyfriend...that beautiful Black man with the perfect smile and best laugh. The southern accent. My music man. He was one of the nicest and classiest people I've ever met. Maybe no one can compare to that. I saw a future with him. Didn't happen, we were too young and he didn't want to get serious. Faded away. He went back home. It was hard for me. Took 3 years to breathe again, try again. I did. But I don't even remember dates back then, who, when.
So much hope. For that person who would want what I wanted and understand me. I don't think I found anyone like that, until this last time. He wasn't white...he didn't identify as white, he didn't sound white, he wasn't from this country, his "family" was black, his friends. But everyone who sees the photos or met him will say white. It doesn't matter. And yes, he was totally gorgeous. It was nice to have that for once - the wild attraction, the butterflies when I looked at him. But his humor outshone it all. He changed me, inspired me, helped me see that future again, so much more this time. I was loved. I thought my time had come. Finally, a child? A husband? All the trying, the pain, the heartbreaks, led to this. He erased it all, and every man who came before. They didn't matter. He was my Joseph. But...that all went away too. It wasn't my time, he wasn't the man. Was he? I was so sure. I believed. My faith was strong. I wasn't wrong. I did everything I was meant to do. But. He's gone. I wasn't the one for him, in the end. So short of a time. I wasn't ready. I wasn't done. But.
Keep moving forward. Am I? I'm healing, the days are getting better. But still, it hurts.
Bleed Out. That was my life for too long. Months that felt like years. The highest of highs, the lowest of lows. I understand so much more. I lived so much in a short period of time. I learned so much. A different world.
If he listened to Blue October...if he understood what Justin had been through and has become now, would it help him? There are so many similarities with their lives and behaviors. I believed in him. I still believe in him. And I know it's possible...the kind of man he can be. The kind of life he could have. I tried to give it to him. Show him my world. Maybe it was too much, not right, not time. I don't know. But I made him happy. I helped him when he was in need. He loved talking to me, said he was blessed to have me. Someone else said I was a gift. I have all of that in my heart. I did that, I was that. Those are good things.
I'll be ok. I'm always ok, right? Even when I'm not. I want to get on the right path again. Focus, not keep thinking and dwelling on this and looking at other people's paths. I'm trying to make it all make sense in my head so my heart can cope with it. It doesn't yet.
I can't trust myself yet. I'm distant from others. Guarding my heart. Distrustful of happiness. It'll take time. I'm wounded and vulnerable and low on patience. It'll take time.
Fears and worries, self-sabotage. Trying not to let them in. It's hard though, especially when anxiety kicks in. But, that's the fight. I fight.
Do you know me yet?
Thinking...about the conversation with my Aunt Star (the year before she died?), where we discussed my hesitation to the idea of dating white guys. Not for lack of attraction or connection or anything else, but because of the way I grew up - the town, the school, the cliques and racist undertones of everything. Feeling like an outsider, always different. I didn't want to deal with more of that. Likely, racism against me from the other person's family and friends or judgment from everyone else, society. I just wanted to avoid the possibility of it happening. I was done with that stuff. I didn't live there anymore, but those fears followed me, even in the land of diversity and acceptance. All types of guys (especially Black) talked to me in KOP. But I took a chance, 2 years after she died, and asked a guy out, a white guy at work. It was not a good relationship, but had nothing to do with race, just our personalities clashing.
Would she be proud of me? For trying and being more open? For standing up for myself at that job, even though I got reprimanded? I think so. She was strong.
I talked to different races over the years, tried to date when I had a connection. So many false starts. And moving back to here, the town where I grew up...away from the diversity of Philly. Here...you're expected to be a certain way. And I never fit in. In school times, anyway. But I don't care now.
So, ten years (moved away and back) of being "single" and finally I have a romantic relationship again? With an older white guy. Then a younger white guy. Black guys around here don't seem interested enough to make a move. And the 2 that did (in 2012), weren't from around here anyway. But, it didn't work out. I can't be made to feel bad about myself...that won't make me date you. And you can't talk bad about my family, all the races and skin colors, the kids. No. We are who we are. It was a surprise that the white guys in this area were so interested in me. Never was an option in the past. Maybe it became like a victory to me...I was finally beautiful to them. Not just the shy little black girl. So why not take what was offered? If I feel it, I feel it.
People think they know me. My "preference"? Based on recent years. No, that's not it. I prefer color. I'm attracted to contrast of skin and hair with interesting features. Dark hair and dark eyes. Ethnic-looking. Tall. I'd rather have a big guy than someone too thin. But have I dated a guy with all that? Not really. I'm not searching for some ideal person. Looks aren't anything. Personality, humor, intelligence...those qualities matter. Race, religion, job...it doesn't determine how I feel about someone. And what I feel is what determines who you are to me. If I love you...
But people don't ask, they don't notice. They don't look back and follow the whole story of me. They look at one chapter, what they think it means, what it means to them. I see it. No one said it yet. This time. But I see it. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. Maybe no one even cares anymore. I'm trying not to care.
Do you know what it means to me? I follow my heart. I do what I feel is right for me at the time. If it's this person, then it's this person. If I don't feel a connection with someone, then I'm not going to do it, I won't settle. I've given too many chances because someone was "nice" and I didn't see a reason not to date them, or try. But the feelings don't materialize. It's just not there. I'm honest about my feelings. I won't let anyone pressure me. But I'm not cruel, I don't play games and dump people. I don't like to hurt anyone. Because I hurt so much.
I try. I keep trying. But...I think I can't right now. I'm not whole. And my heart isn't my own, not yet. But I know I need to make changes. Also, not let the bitterness and anger in. Not become that person. It's in me. But I won't become that.
My first boyfriend...that beautiful Black man with the perfect smile and best laugh. The southern accent. My music man. He was one of the nicest and classiest people I've ever met. Maybe no one can compare to that. I saw a future with him. Didn't happen, we were too young and he didn't want to get serious. Faded away. He went back home. It was hard for me. Took 3 years to breathe again, try again. I did. But I don't even remember dates back then, who, when.
So much hope. For that person who would want what I wanted and understand me. I don't think I found anyone like that, until this last time. He wasn't white...he didn't identify as white, he didn't sound white, he wasn't from this country, his "family" was black, his friends. But everyone who sees the photos or met him will say white. It doesn't matter. And yes, he was totally gorgeous. It was nice to have that for once - the wild attraction, the butterflies when I looked at him. But his humor outshone it all. He changed me, inspired me, helped me see that future again, so much more this time. I was loved. I thought my time had come. Finally, a child? A husband? All the trying, the pain, the heartbreaks, led to this. He erased it all, and every man who came before. They didn't matter. He was my Joseph. But...that all went away too. It wasn't my time, he wasn't the man. Was he? I was so sure. I believed. My faith was strong. I wasn't wrong. I did everything I was meant to do. But. He's gone. I wasn't the one for him, in the end. So short of a time. I wasn't ready. I wasn't done. But.
Keep moving forward. Am I? I'm healing, the days are getting better. But still, it hurts.
Bleed Out. That was my life for too long. Months that felt like years. The highest of highs, the lowest of lows. I understand so much more. I lived so much in a short period of time. I learned so much. A different world.
If he listened to Blue October...if he understood what Justin had been through and has become now, would it help him? There are so many similarities with their lives and behaviors. I believed in him. I still believe in him. And I know it's possible...the kind of man he can be. The kind of life he could have. I tried to give it to him. Show him my world. Maybe it was too much, not right, not time. I don't know. But I made him happy. I helped him when he was in need. He loved talking to me, said he was blessed to have me. Someone else said I was a gift. I have all of that in my heart. I did that, I was that. Those are good things.
I'll be ok. I'm always ok, right? Even when I'm not. I want to get on the right path again. Focus, not keep thinking and dwelling on this and looking at other people's paths. I'm trying to make it all make sense in my head so my heart can cope with it. It doesn't yet.
I can't trust myself yet. I'm distant from others. Guarding my heart. Distrustful of happiness. It'll take time. I'm wounded and vulnerable and low on patience. It'll take time.
Fears and worries, self-sabotage. Trying not to let them in. It's hard though, especially when anxiety kicks in. But, that's the fight. I fight.
Do you know me yet?
Saturday, May 16, 2015
My heart...
Having a hard time today. Too many thoughts, too many feelings. I want to cry or rage or scream. Even in my dreams I'm frustrated and hurting and confused. I'm so paranoid. Wondering what people say, worrying what people are saying, thinking. How stupid I am for dating the guys I dated. Different races, different ages -- but not the "right" ones. For trying and believing and being nice and compassionate. Not being mean enough or letting the evil thoughts out. Not being what I could be, what I've been in the past. I don't want to be that person again. I don't like feeling that way -- the toxicity, the drama. I don't like hurting people, I don't like confrontations and fights. I'll do it if it comes to that, if too much builds up and I snap. If I have to get my point across. But why am I going to start out like that? Can't I be mature and handle it in a different way? Work things out, have a discussion that's productive? Why is trying to be a good person a bad thing? Why do I want to cause someone to be mad at me and attack back? That's not pleasant. Arguing is not fun for me. I don't like to debate. Is that all that's accepted in this world? All that people know? If they're close to God, shouldn't they be working on being patient and kind and using compassion and mercy themselves? Shouldn't they want to behave better and move their lives forward? Am I the only one who can see that? They claim to be further ahead than this in me, more developed, more devoted, but they think I shouldn't be so good? I'm not nearly good enough, nowhere near righteous. I'm still learning, just becoming who I can be. Finding my purpose. I keep falling off the path. Sometimes I just don't even want to fight anymore or try anymore. My body, my mind, my soul, won't let me give up. I conditioned myself so well these past few years. So now, even without medication, I pull myself up quickly. Out of the dark. I don't want to, I want to stay there where it's easy and comfortable. But I can't. I can't give up.
Am I weak? Am I strong? I don't know what I am. Getting better but still so broken inside that I can barely breathe. What's wrong with me? There's something so wrong with me. I feel like no one can really see it. No one can fix me, no one can save me. Sometimes I think it'd be such a relief if I did go into the hospital -- at least I could relax and let go and stop pretending to be ok, stop being strong and functional. Just completely let go and let someone take care of me. What's that like, when someone takes care of your every need? I haven't had that, not since I was very young. I've been taking care of myself, fixing myself, keeping these secrets and all the darkness within. No one wanted to hear about it or see it. Even as an adult, people don't want to know or deal with it, with me. Too much trouble. They say they're worried about me, but they just want me to get better so they don't have to worry or be uncomfortable. They're not really going to take on my burden or help me. They want me to help them, tell them I'm ok so they can walk away and feel better. That's not what I need. I need you to be there for ME. Look at me and really see me, see all the scary parts and still stay. Stay.
I guess that's the problem now, again. I feel abandoned. He didn't stay, he can't stay. None of them stay. Why do they come into my life and make me happy and inspire me and make me believe and then not want me anymore? How do they just turn off their feelings like that? There was something there, something everyone could see, but then it's gone? Changes, changes, changes. I don't change. I'm loyal, steady, permanent. I love forever. Unconditionally. Everyone has conditions, boundaries. They won't hold on, they won't fight the way I do. They run away. I didn't. Even when I wanted to leave, when I endured so much. Tested, tried, stretched out, met my limit again and again and surpassed it. It was right. I stayed because God told me to. Keep trying. This whole relationship was guided on faith. Maybe no one can understand that or believe me. Maybe I was just foolish. But I didn't make these choices based soley on love or fairytale ideas. Love isn't always enough. I knew the reality, I knew the consequences, I knew how much these challenges were hurting me. But went through it, got through it, with the hope that things would get better. The situation was a trial, but situations can change. It was supposed to change. It didn't get more stable, but the good still outweighed the bad. We grew stronger, we learned. And so I kept trying. Until I had nothing left to give...then gave a little more. I held it together, but it crumbled in my hands. Things didn't get better, they only got worse. He didn't fix it or fight for it like I hoped, like I prayed. I was the only one fighting, the only one trying, the only one giving. He was going through a bad time, so I still tried to understand. But he chose a different path...his old path, his old life. I wanted to keep moving forward. He was my future. But those dreams died. And now I walk alone, once again. Carrying those broken dreams. Like the W.B. Yeats poem...but he didn't tread lightly.
Did I settle too much? Allow the situation too much leeway because of mental health issues and past traumas? Did I try too hard to be too much? To try to be his rock, his champion, his savior, his support, his family? Don't we all need that sometimes? I do. I wanted him to be that for me too...be there for me and fight for me and not give up on me no matter how bad it gets. I wanted that. And I was capable of giving that so I did. I was gentle, I was kind, I was loving. Sometimes I let the anger and hurt slip out. And we discussed things. Three hours worth of discussion things. The distance was hard, but I tried my best to be there. I drove, even through my fears. But it's my fears that make me seen as weak. My anxiety and issues. So minor compared to his...and hers. But yet, too much. God, I tried so hard, gave so much. And maybe that's the problem. What did he sacrifice for me? I gave him all of me. I gave him my family...and they loved him. He fit, he was a part. There was so much more to come. I believed it could work, against all odds. I thought he believed that too. But...things changed. Everything changed.
I can understand. I can see the logic. I understand that you can't control your emotions. I acknowledge his pain and fear. I know what fear can do. I haven't experienced what he experienced, I don't have a similar background. But I have empathy and compassion. He wanted me to know him, so I know him. Does he know me? More so than he did. But maybe it doesn't matter. I did all I was meant to do. I did what I needed to do. I was appreciated. I didn't do it for him. I will continue doing good. I will probably continue to question and be confused, but I will do what I'm asked to do. I will try to live my life right, better. I have to walk my own path now, focus on making myself better. Focus on building a new future. Maybe my destiny is to just be alone, helping others, getting them to where they need to be. Then they move on. All that loss has a cost though. And I'm not happy. I'm grieving. The loss of this. My grandparents, my dog, Lazy. My birthday's coming up and it will be four years. It's hard. We just lost too much, too many in such a short time. My mom is hurting and that hurts me too. It all goes inside of me, all the pain. People think I haven't been through something as bad as they have, but I have lost a lot, I have suffered. And I take all of their pain and loss and grief and fear...and my family's, and my own. Add all that up. Isn't that enough? There will always be something worse. And once I know about it, it will become a part of me too. If you suffer, I suffer with you, just by reading your words, hearing your voice. Isn't that enough? It doesn't end. The good things end, but the bad things continue on.
I'm so tired. I'm still feeling insecure. But I will post this one. Because I need to take that step. And maybe it will all matter. I believe in miracles. I believe that anything's possible.
I pray for someone I love to love me enough and accept me enough to stay...for those 30+ years to eternity. No more words, no more intentions, no promises. Only action. Prove it. And keep proving it. I was a good girlfriend. And I know I can be a good wife. I feel like I was living the vows already. I am worth the effort. And you'll never have to doubt that you are loved. I know how to prove it. I have so much in my heart.
But I still love him. I can't change that. I wish he could be all the things he once was. All that I could see in him. I still believe in him, that he's better than his circumstances, better than his past. That he can have a bright future and do so much good in this world. Be righteous like he said he wanted to be. He inspired me in that way. My mom said he has a good heart...I'll always believe that. I saw it in action. I loved him for it. I'll continue to pray for him. But I can't be a part of his life. He doesn't want me there anyway.
What do I want? It doesn't matter. What is meant to be will be. Time will heal, time will let go. I have to go. Where? Where I need to be, I guess.
Am I weak? Am I strong? I don't know what I am. Getting better but still so broken inside that I can barely breathe. What's wrong with me? There's something so wrong with me. I feel like no one can really see it. No one can fix me, no one can save me. Sometimes I think it'd be such a relief if I did go into the hospital -- at least I could relax and let go and stop pretending to be ok, stop being strong and functional. Just completely let go and let someone take care of me. What's that like, when someone takes care of your every need? I haven't had that, not since I was very young. I've been taking care of myself, fixing myself, keeping these secrets and all the darkness within. No one wanted to hear about it or see it. Even as an adult, people don't want to know or deal with it, with me. Too much trouble. They say they're worried about me, but they just want me to get better so they don't have to worry or be uncomfortable. They're not really going to take on my burden or help me. They want me to help them, tell them I'm ok so they can walk away and feel better. That's not what I need. I need you to be there for ME. Look at me and really see me, see all the scary parts and still stay. Stay.
I guess that's the problem now, again. I feel abandoned. He didn't stay, he can't stay. None of them stay. Why do they come into my life and make me happy and inspire me and make me believe and then not want me anymore? How do they just turn off their feelings like that? There was something there, something everyone could see, but then it's gone? Changes, changes, changes. I don't change. I'm loyal, steady, permanent. I love forever. Unconditionally. Everyone has conditions, boundaries. They won't hold on, they won't fight the way I do. They run away. I didn't. Even when I wanted to leave, when I endured so much. Tested, tried, stretched out, met my limit again and again and surpassed it. It was right. I stayed because God told me to. Keep trying. This whole relationship was guided on faith. Maybe no one can understand that or believe me. Maybe I was just foolish. But I didn't make these choices based soley on love or fairytale ideas. Love isn't always enough. I knew the reality, I knew the consequences, I knew how much these challenges were hurting me. But went through it, got through it, with the hope that things would get better. The situation was a trial, but situations can change. It was supposed to change. It didn't get more stable, but the good still outweighed the bad. We grew stronger, we learned. And so I kept trying. Until I had nothing left to give...then gave a little more. I held it together, but it crumbled in my hands. Things didn't get better, they only got worse. He didn't fix it or fight for it like I hoped, like I prayed. I was the only one fighting, the only one trying, the only one giving. He was going through a bad time, so I still tried to understand. But he chose a different path...his old path, his old life. I wanted to keep moving forward. He was my future. But those dreams died. And now I walk alone, once again. Carrying those broken dreams. Like the W.B. Yeats poem...but he didn't tread lightly.
Did I settle too much? Allow the situation too much leeway because of mental health issues and past traumas? Did I try too hard to be too much? To try to be his rock, his champion, his savior, his support, his family? Don't we all need that sometimes? I do. I wanted him to be that for me too...be there for me and fight for me and not give up on me no matter how bad it gets. I wanted that. And I was capable of giving that so I did. I was gentle, I was kind, I was loving. Sometimes I let the anger and hurt slip out. And we discussed things. Three hours worth of discussion things. The distance was hard, but I tried my best to be there. I drove, even through my fears. But it's my fears that make me seen as weak. My anxiety and issues. So minor compared to his...and hers. But yet, too much. God, I tried so hard, gave so much. And maybe that's the problem. What did he sacrifice for me? I gave him all of me. I gave him my family...and they loved him. He fit, he was a part. There was so much more to come. I believed it could work, against all odds. I thought he believed that too. But...things changed. Everything changed.
I can understand. I can see the logic. I understand that you can't control your emotions. I acknowledge his pain and fear. I know what fear can do. I haven't experienced what he experienced, I don't have a similar background. But I have empathy and compassion. He wanted me to know him, so I know him. Does he know me? More so than he did. But maybe it doesn't matter. I did all I was meant to do. I did what I needed to do. I was appreciated. I didn't do it for him. I will continue doing good. I will probably continue to question and be confused, but I will do what I'm asked to do. I will try to live my life right, better. I have to walk my own path now, focus on making myself better. Focus on building a new future. Maybe my destiny is to just be alone, helping others, getting them to where they need to be. Then they move on. All that loss has a cost though. And I'm not happy. I'm grieving. The loss of this. My grandparents, my dog, Lazy. My birthday's coming up and it will be four years. It's hard. We just lost too much, too many in such a short time. My mom is hurting and that hurts me too. It all goes inside of me, all the pain. People think I haven't been through something as bad as they have, but I have lost a lot, I have suffered. And I take all of their pain and loss and grief and fear...and my family's, and my own. Add all that up. Isn't that enough? There will always be something worse. And once I know about it, it will become a part of me too. If you suffer, I suffer with you, just by reading your words, hearing your voice. Isn't that enough? It doesn't end. The good things end, but the bad things continue on.
I'm so tired. I'm still feeling insecure. But I will post this one. Because I need to take that step. And maybe it will all matter. I believe in miracles. I believe that anything's possible.
I pray for someone I love to love me enough and accept me enough to stay...for those 30+ years to eternity. No more words, no more intentions, no promises. Only action. Prove it. And keep proving it. I was a good girlfriend. And I know I can be a good wife. I feel like I was living the vows already. I am worth the effort. And you'll never have to doubt that you are loved. I know how to prove it. I have so much in my heart.
But I still love him. I can't change that. I wish he could be all the things he once was. All that I could see in him. I still believe in him, that he's better than his circumstances, better than his past. That he can have a bright future and do so much good in this world. Be righteous like he said he wanted to be. He inspired me in that way. My mom said he has a good heart...I'll always believe that. I saw it in action. I loved him for it. I'll continue to pray for him. But I can't be a part of his life. He doesn't want me there anyway.
What do I want? It doesn't matter. What is meant to be will be. Time will heal, time will let go. I have to go. Where? Where I need to be, I guess.
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