Big steps

I took a big step yesterday. But let me backtrack and explain why it was so monumental...

I used to hate my profile, the way my face looks from the side. That goes back to when I was a kid and got made fun of because of my nose. I was even asked if I was going to get plastic surgery when I grew up. If people who look like me and are supposed to love me unconditionally think that there's something wrong with me, then there must be, right? And not just family, but strangers too, laughing at me and making comments. After years of that, I began to see it as this horrible deformation on my face. I was so young, just a child, then a teenager. It shaped my perceptions of beauty and acceptance. I was already a different color than almost everyone in school, I dressed differently and spoke differently than the black kids at other schools. I fit in nowhere. And I felt ugly.

I began to see myself as a monster. I couldn't understand how anyone could stand to look at me from the side. From the front, I was ok, even pretty. Although my nose still disgusted me. But mostly I ignored it. This was the 90s, before smartphone selfies and filters and contouring with makeup. What you saw was what you got.

I remember in college, we had to draw portraits of each other for one of my classes. It had to be the profile view. I was so terrified and had to stop the panic. I didn't want my partner to see me that way. This was a guy I didn't know well. What would he think? That I'm ugly, that it's just what black people look like (big lips, big noses)? I didn't know. But I sat for it. And he did a really good job. I looked like me, but not ugly or deformed. That's when I started to think that maybe other people didn't see me the way I saw myself.

Another experience from my college days was when my then-boyfriend tapped my nose and said it was cute. I was shocked. No one ever said that to me before. I don't think I completely believed him, but I know he was being honest about how he felt. He accepted me and even LIKED my flaws. I still think about that moment, years later.

But it took me well into my 30s to actually accept that part of me and not be disgusted or uncomfortable by it. First by mainly ignoring it and concentrating on my good points and the features that I liked about myself (my eyes, my smile). Then eventually, I just accepted it as part of me and didn't care what others thought. It's how I look. Unless I actually want to get surgery, this is the way I am. I don't want to look like anyone else or not recognize myself. I guess one good thing about me is that I never compared myself to girls in magazines or online or felt inadequate that way. I never wanted be to anyone else or coveted what they had. Even when I hated myself the most and was severely depressed, I didn't want to be another person. Just a different person than I was feeling inside. A better version of myself.

I've posted a few photos of myself from the side on Facebook and Instagram in the past few years, but I still felt nervous about it and preferred my front view or a 3/4 view of my face. I'd never used a profile view for a profile/avatar pic...until last night. I changed my main Instagram photo to a recent one that I took of my hair from the side (see above). I was happy with the way that hairstyle turned out, and my makeup as well, so I felt like that represented where I was in my life.

I'll admit, I was scared to do it and had to reassure myself that I could change it to something else at any time, if I wasn't happy. But I feel like I made the right choice. It may seem like a little thing, but it's a big step for me. On the path of self-acceptance and self-love.

10 years

I just realized that it's been almost 10 years since I was diagnosed with depression and started treatment for the first time. It was February 2008, when I was 29 (although I had been exhibiting symptoms for at least 15 years before that). My diagnosis was Major Depressive Disorder. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, insomnia, and hypoglycemia soon after. It's been a long and difficult road, on and off medication, filled with rock bottom days, weight fluctuations, and abusive treatment from others. I wasn't on my best behavior either and regret being so defensive and dismissive to former friends. But I also found a support system and people who could relate to my struggles and a strength inside of me that I didn't know I had. Even when I wanted to give up, I didn't. Music was a big part of what helped get me through, sometimes the only thing.

Over the years, my depression dissipated to only a few episodes a year, and I found ways to manage and overcome it much quicker. I studied Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques and read a lot of articles and learned from others. I believe I trained my body to fight depression, even when my brain wanted to embrace it. It tried to convince me to give up but it couldn't win anymore. But anxiety was still a big problem and there were times when I was afraid that I would hurt myself. I was more impulsive in that state and in so much internal pain. Antidepressants didn't help that and alprazolam was just temporary. I suffered a lot, for years. There's no other way to put it. It was overwhelming and I had to fight just to function and appear "normal".

I weaned myself off of medication in 2014 and managed (not well) for a few years. In 2016, I decided to ask my new doctor for help and began medication again. It helped, but not enough. So she suggested talk therapy and introduced me to one of the therapists in the office. That was the first time that I had hope that I might one day beat this. Not just live with it but actually overcome it. And I was ready. It wasn't sit-on-a-couch-and-talk-about-your-problems therapy. It was CBT therapy specifically geared toward my particular issues with anxiety. My therapist thought I had already been in therapy because I was so insightful and knew of several techniques. But I hadn't and I didn't know how to implement these tools into my life and restructure my thoughts enough to manage my anxiety. But I learned. I did the homework. I went through the program (about 15 sessions in a year) and felt successful enough to do it on my own. I may eventually do long-term therapy with someone else, but for now, I'm doing well. And I keep striving to be better.

I still have down days and chronic anxiety, but I keep fighting.

I hope you're happy

"I hope you're happy,
I hope you're good.
I hope you get what you wish for,
And you're well understood.

And whatever your progress,
I know you'll be fine.
Because I hope you're happy,
Even if you're not mine." - Blue October

The first couple times that I heard this song, I attributed it to myself - to be happy and understood. To have the things that I wish for. The literal lyrics. But then I started to hear it from the perspective of unrequited love - that I may need to let go and let someone I care about be happy with someone else. I could do it. I have done it in the past. Although I still hope for a better way.

But maybe it's not about either of those things. I know that the intention of the song was a dedication to Jus's ex-wife (and others in his past) to show his support and honor their friendship. And maybe it's more relevant to my past relationships and a way for me to forgive and move forward. With no animosity or blame. Just good wishes for their futures.

Thoughts of my most recent ex-boyfriend go through my mind from time-to-time. They don't bring pain and there's no part of me that wants him back. I've moved on. I closed that door and walked through another one. There were good memories, of course, and I learned a lot about myself from that relationship. I grew stronger after the destruction. Because of it. A phoenix rising. A new beginning. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But it's been 3 years since I've seen him. I haven't dated since. At first, because I needed time to heal and didn't want anyone at all. Now, it's because I'm waiting for the man who is worthy of my love and devotion. My choice.

Early on after the breakup, I told myself that whenever he popped into my head, I should just pray for him. Pray for him to be safe, to have food and a home and peace in his mind. To have no one harm him...and for him not to harm anyone either. He told me once, that he wanted to become a righteous man, to follow God and live by his word. I didn't understand what that meant at the time. I thought being good was enough, but righteousness is a higher level. Something beyond your earthly being. I did research on it, of course. I wanted to understand him. I'm more spiritual than religious myself, and take what I need from different philosophies and religions. So I never thought I could ascend to that level that he spoke of. But I wanted him to. And I believed in him. I could see the good in him, the potential. And I wanted to match him, to be worthy of being with someone so devoted to God. I wanted to be righteous too.

I may never be, but I am better than I was. Through this relationship I learned how to use compassion and mercy and grace. I was there for him through everything. And constantly working on myself. I became closer to God. I became more loving and accepting and forgiving. I ascended to a higher purpose. Unfortunately, he did not and lost his way. Got back into bad habits and old relationships. He betrayed me in every way. But I did what I was meant to do and listened to God and gave my all. I can't regret something that was meant. And something that ultimately made me a better person. That was the true purpose of the relationship. To make me become what I needed to become. To show me the way. And find my strength.

I don't know where he is now or what his life is like. It's been more than a year since I've spoken to him. And he was not in a good place. What he never realized, was that I would have always been there for him. I would have helped him and supported him and made sure he stayed healthy and safe. Even afterward. Even if we could have somehow stayed friends, if he needed me, I would have been there. But he walked away. Time and time again. And I had to let him go. So now, I still pray that he's safe, that he's taken care of and has what he needs. I still pray that he will one day become that man that I saw inside, that glimmer of light in the darkness. That man that God showed to me. That righteous man. Or at least, a good one. A better one. I still believe in him.

He's been in my dreams lately. I don't like when the past visits that way and the dreams made me feel uncomfortable. Sort of bruised my heart. I did love him and that love never goes away. But he was too toxic for my life and it's better for me to be free of it. But I can't ignore these signs. And especially since "I Hope You're Happy" is Blue October's latest single and I've listened to it a lot. And can see it in relation to my ex. It's time, I think, to wish him happiness and pray for a good life. With whomever he chooses to spend it. It's not easy, because there is still hurt in my heart. That he chose someone else over me...and many more since. And I was the loyal one, but I'm still single. It's easy to hold onto the negative emotions. But I don't want to. I want to move forward. I want to be better.

So, I hope you're happy, Joseph. I really do. I pray for you and I hope you have peace and are surrounded by people who love you. I pray for you to have the best life that you can have. I pray for you to be that man I know you are. I see you. I always did. And I release you now. I release you. Live your life. Stay alive. Be free.

- Nikki

Gratitude

If I speak of the things I'm grateful for, maybe it will cast out my doubts. If I concentrate on love, it will overshadow the pain. Depression is trying to creep in but I'm fighting hard not to let it. So many worries, so many lies.

But I'm grateful for the people in my life who have stood by me in the toughest times. Those who support and encourage and compliment me. Those who have told me that I made an impact on their lives. That I've inspired them and helped them learn something new because of my insights. Those who value me and appreciate me and acknowledge me. Those who check up on me and keep me centered. Those who relate to my posts, and I to theirs, so that I know I'm not alone. That I'm not the only one who feels these things and thinks this way. It helps. It matters. It all matters.

I don't ask for much, but I need a lot more than I appear to. I'm independent but needy. I need my personal space, but I also need quality time with people who make me laugh and enjoy life.

I'm grateful for my friendships. For family and pets and music and movies and books. All of the little things and all of the big things. I'm grateful for being taken care of and helped. I'm grateful for everyone I've helped along the way. I'm grateful for You allowing me to become a better person. For seeing You.

I'm grateful for a place to sleep, a house to live in. It may not be ideal or my own, but it's safe and warm. I'm grateful for the kids in my life. I'm grateful for all that You brought me. I'm grateful for my strength and courage to overcome my fears and keep living, keep improving. I'm grateful for You pulling me out of bad relationships when you did. I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned and the strength I've gained because of these incidents. I'm grateful for the love I shared with others and the memories made, even if they were temporary.

I'm grateful for the people who haven't given up on me. Who can handle me. Who understand, or try to.

I'm grateful for the love I receive. And the love I give.

'Twas the afternoon before Christmas: Thoughts

I've been working really hard on keeping a positive outlook. Trying to inspire others while I improve myself. It's a fight sometimes. And to be honest, I'm really struggling right now. The usual: generalized anxiety, depression, grief, Seasonal Affective Disorder, holiday busyness and stress. With some dermatillomania and hypoglycemia thrown in. I haven't been eating as well as I should, haven't been exercising, haven't been using my CBT tools as effectively as I should, haven't been writing. I've been so tired, physically and emotionally. Completely drained. But I'm not giving up.

Being in a house full of people is very difficult because the noise and food smells and barrage of emotions from others overwhelms me. My senses are very heightened, especially when I'm already not feeling well. Yesterday was painful. And I can't really talk about because they don't understand. They don't feel it. "You shouldn't feel like that if it's family." But that doesn't matter, the effect is the same. But I just have to take time away from everything and sit in the quiet, alone. It's the only way I can survive.

This time of year is always hard. So many memories in my head, missing those who aren't here any longer. For a long time after my aunt died, I dreaded Christmas and didn't see the point of celebrating. I couldn't feel happy because there was so much pain associated with it. She died 4 days after Christmas in 2006 and Christmas Day was the last time that I saw her. And with all the family passings that happened in the following years - many during the winter months and near holidays - it became increasingly difficult.

See, Christmas used to be my favorite holiday, something that I looked forward to, ever since I was a kid. Not just about gifts, but the whole celebration of it. The tree, the decorations, the songs, the emotions in the air. Now I feel a slight sense of panic when the stores start laying out the Christmas decorations or playing holiday tunes (too early, in my opinion). My mind tells me, "I'm not ready! I'm not ready! I'm not ready!" But it's not Christmas that I'm not ready for as much as what comes after. The 29th.

The past few years, however, I've been able to enjoy the holidays again. Maybe because I have so many nieces and nephews to buy presents for and giving is the one thing that makes me happiest. Every year I'm so focused on everyone else, that I forget that I will be receiving gifts too. Seriously, every year. I don't think about it until closer to the day and then I think, "Oh, that's right..." I'm not a materialistic person and don't ask for much (ever), so when people think of me and give me something from their heart, it means a lot. No matter what it is, I'm always grateful. But the best feeling is when I make someone else happy. I'm pretty good at finding gifts for people because I listen and pay attention to what they like. That's important - getting them something that represents them or their needs. I try to see it from their perspective and imagine their reaction. I never have much money but I do my best. I'm pretty good at finding bargains too.

This year, I feel pretty good about Christmas (besides the anxiety stuff). I'm not dreading the holiday because I'm excited to see how the kids will react to what I bought. And I tried to get the adults things they could use (and a few fun things).

I'm also looking forward to New Year's Eve. That holiday always gave me mixed feelings because I was always single and never had a kiss at midnight (until recently). I went to parties, concerts, had fun...but never felt satisfied. I'm not one for kissing strangers or bringing a date just to say I have a date. I can do it on my own. But I wish I didn't have to. There is someone I'm interested in, a good man who appreciates and values me. But we're just friends and I'm not sure how he feels or what he wants. Whether he's even ready for me. I could ask...but I want it to be his choice. I need someone who will choose me...and stay. I'm happy with our friendship but I do want more. And so, I pray for a kiss at midnight. With this man who makes my heart skip a beat (has that even happened so often with anyone else?) and my soul smile. But I accept that it may not be the right time and more work may need to be done on this situation. I'm not rushing this. I'm not chasing. It's necessary to do this the right way, a different way, so that my past doesn’t repeat itself. If you want something different, you have to do something different.

I have many insecurities and fears, but I also have hope and faith. I believe. And I'm not giving up. I deserve to be happy. It's my time.

Lots of love to anyone who reads this.
Have a Merry Christmas!

Progress

It's been a year since I wrote my last blog post. I can't say that my love life has improved, but I have. I've made so much internal progress over the past year, and notably, since October 2016. That's when I began therapy...for the first time in my life. I'd considered it before and it had been suggested to me from various doctors and friends, but I was never ready. I began taking medication again (after 2 years of being off of antidepressants and using natural remedies) because my anxiety symptoms were unmanageable and interfered with my daily life and well-being. It went from a few days a month of feeling "crazy" and emotional, to daily bouts of recurring anxiety and panic. Sometimes I'd have a few days where I'd feel "normal" and relaxed, then the anxiety would set in again. The depression issues that I had in the past were not as present and I've only had one major episode in the past year. I was able to use CBT/DBT techniques that I learned on my own (through research) to manage my depression to the point of almost non-existence. I'd have days here and there where I'd feel down and unmotivated, but I'd be able to pull myself out of it within a day or two (as opposed to weeks). So I felt that I was managing that well. The anxiety was not so easy to overcome. I did not have the right tools and was only able to calm myself down temporarily. I needed help.

I spoke to my doctor about it and she prescribed a medication similar to what I had been on in 2008, which did help with depression back then, but did not alleviate anxiety at all...so I was a little skeptical. But I hoped for the best. This new one balanced out my mood better, but was still lacking in lessening the frequency and intensity of my anxiety attacks. Basically, anxiety is constantly present under the surface, almost daily, but it would build and become overwhelming or be triggered by an outside stimulus. Irritation, panic, fear, nausea, excessive worries...times ten. The "anxiety bees" would be buzzing inside. How do you get them out? You don't want to hear those thoughts.

So, the one med didn't work well enough and a supplement was added - which did work. I could see an improvement within a couple weeks. The constant anxiety was less frequent and the overwhelming attacks became very rare. Nothing can take everything away and anxiety is a natural warning system that humans need from time to time. But when you have a diagnosed anxiety disorder (G.A.D.), you're in fight-or-flight mode all the time. That is not good for your body. Stress weakens your immune system and causes other health problems. I felt that I was still not able to manage my anxiety as well as I liked, so my doctor suggested talk therapy. I agreed to try it. It was time. During the initial meeting, I found the therapist understanding and sympathetic and helpful.

And for the first time in years I felt HOPE -- that I may one day beat this thing. Or at least be able to live with it and have peace. That's why I decided to go back and continue on this program. It's not a "sit and talk about all of your problems" sort of session. It's geared specifically toward learning how to manage anxiety through cognitive behavioral therapy. Which is, basically, restructuring your thoughts from the negative to the positive. It's not just thinking happy thoughts. You have to dig deep to the root of the problem and practice exercises to condition your mind to operate in a different way. I had homework to do after every session -- worksheets to fill out, coping mechanisms (what we call "tools") to learn, breathing exercises, and so many other techniques that I had to do on my own. I had to interact with other people in my life and use these techniques. I had to use them when I was triggered and in a state of panic. Which is very hard to do. But I tried. I put in the work, I went above and beyond. And I progressed. I impressed my therapist with my insight and willingness to fight this. You have to be ready, that's the thing. I couldn't have done this before, because recovery is HARD work. But I was ready to do it.

It will take years, I'm sure, until I'm able to use my tools the moment that I feel anxiety coming on and stop it immediately. And one day, maybe it won't happen at all. Or maybe it will always be a part of me. But I'm getting better. I can recognize what's happening as soon as I start to feel "off" and know that anxiety is creeping in. This type is kind of like having a cold -- you can't get rid of it, you just have to let it pass out of your system. You can use medication or other distractions for temporary relief, but it's still there until it leaves on its own. My job is to manage the anxiety. I have trouble with the CBT idea of "embracing it" or even accepting it. Because I hate it and don't want it to be a part of my life. It makes me feel like I'm going crazy and I'm not myself. I can see who I am and that's not me. Something else takes over and I'm not in control. And I always want to be in control. But that's not possible and this is a part of me. Most times, people don't even notice when anxiety is there because I'm able to appear to function normally. I have high-functioning depression and anxiety because I can still take care of myself and others, work, drive, interact socially, etc, etc. It takes all of my effort some days, just to make it through the day, but I'm able to do it. That was not always true, but at this point, I can. My weight has been stable too (even gaining weight), so the stress-starvation thing is not a struggle at the moment either.

I can see that I've made progress and that my mind tries to restructure itself every time a stressful situation arises. It might take some time and I may start to fall into my old behavior patterns (like punishing myself by letting the stress eat away at me and worry worry worry), but then I do use a positive behavior and pull myself away from that. I tell myself that I don't deserve to feel that way. I ask myself the questions from the worksheets and think about sentence structure and irrational beliefs -- how can I exchange the words in this statement (thought) to become more positive and hopeful. I try to calm myself down through breathing or put on some music. I have an emergency plan and people that I can reach out to. Some things have become automatic -- like a few months ago when I woke up during the night and had a lot of fears and worries and immediately turned on the Tufstrings album to calm myself. I surprised and impressed myself with that. Usually I would not have tried to help myself feel better and would have let the worries overtake me. Part of the low self-worth thing with depression. But music heals me and it's time to let myself be healed. 'PRN', especially, helps calm my anxiety. I played that song in my head during two different panic attacks and it got me out of it. If there's no music available, I can still hear the music in my mind.

My sessions are almost over and I'm considering long-term CBT therapy. But I'm taking my time with it and will do it when I'm ready. I'm managing very well on my own (with monthly check-ins) and I'm still practicing the techniques. I think the thing that helps me the most is now being able to recognize what's happening, when it's happening, and the reasons for it. Even if the reason is that it's happening for no reason, which is part of it too. No triggers, no difficult situation, it just happens. It's a brain chemistry thing. It can't be controlled consciously. It's chronic and recurring. It's expected. I understand that. I accept that. But I won't accept it controlling my life and stopping me from doing what I want to do. I am very strong. Even at my weakest, I am very strong. I have not given up. I'm still alive. And I'm making progress.

Blueprints

My love life has followed a predictable path, which I have only realized recently. I thought that dating guys of different ages, races, backgrounds, from different cities, meant that I was doing something different each time. It wasn't my intention to have so much diversity, I'm just attracted to many kinds of people and dated men that I had a connection with. And some that I didn't. The underlying goal was to find "the one" and I never knew in what form he'd appear to me, so I took chances on guys I wasn't really into, because you never know. What if he's who I'm meant to be with and I just don't know it right away? What if? But of course, they never were. And now I won't take those chances, because I know how my heart works. If the spark is not there for me in the beginning, it won't be there for me later. But the problem is, even if there's no chemistry, I still care for the person and may want to see where it goes. My heart is able to love in many ways. Friendship is still a major love. And nice guys have asked me out. But that trait is not enough of a reason anymore. The possibility of "what if" isn't enough. Even the caring is not enough. Because it's just settling. If I'm not excited at the prospect of dating someone, I'm not going to do it. That's the new rule. Because, why shouldn't I have something that makes me happy? Don't I deserve to get what I want and be with someone I'm attracted to? It can't always be about what they want. They want ME so I'm obligated to give them a chance? No. That's not fair to anyone. I'm nice, but I deserve more than disappointment and discomfort and guilt and trying to please everyone else. Of course I want a "nice guy", a good-hearted man, but there has to be a connection too. He has to see my worth too. He has to be supportive and fight for the relationship and love me unconditionally too. I can't do it all on my own. Not anymore. I know what it feels like to be so completely in love and feel so loved back. I won't accept less than that. I already found who I thought was "the one", so I'm not searching for that anymore. That's over and done. Maybe he wasn't good for me and too many things were wrong with the relationship, but the outcome doesn't matter because my heart doesn't have that desire to search anymore. I'll wait for what comes to me. If it doesn't make me feel good, I don't want it.

And I know that most relationships don't start out as a big love affair and you have to get to know someone, but that's the point too. I have to want to learn all about them and want to spend time with them...and they have to want that from me too. It's easy to fall into things and brush aside the bad parts and ignore the red flags. Or to just date someone because they're there and the best option you have at the time. I'm not one for leaving someone for someone better and have never broken up with anyone, but it has happened to me almost every time. I'm the one who stays and wants to keep trying. They leave.

And maybe that was for the best (as much as I dislike that phrase). Because I would have kept trying...beyond emotional abuse, beyond toxicity, beyond indifference. I would have kept trying to find a way to make it work. Because that's my nature. I don't give up. Even when I should. So they break me and leave me and I'm forced to let go. Which I do. I don't go back. I'll give my all to the very end, but when I'm done, I'm done. That's why it's so hard for me to get over it. It's not just the feelings or the disillusionment ending, it's the finality of the loss. It's a death for me. So I grieve, for a long time.

Occasionally, they come back. Which is not something I ever experienced before 2014. No one ever came back before. When they go, that's the last time I ever hear from or see them again. Hence the part about it feeling like a death. They disappear off the planet as far as I know. No bumping into exes in the grocery store, no late night calls saying they miss me and want me back. Never happened in the past. I've never gotten back together with an ex. I've wanted to, hoped and prayed that it would happen, but no. All of my friends, everyone in the world, talked about getting back together with exes. Phone calls, reconnecting on FB, etc, etc. What was so wrong with me that no one ever wanted me back? People would say to me, "when you hear from him again, say this..." Or, "have you heard back from him yet?" Yet? What's that? Like it's even a possibility? Doesn't happen, even if I was weak and contacted them again. No reply. Until these last two guys. I don't know why. Things are different, I'm different, I know my worth now, so they can see that I'm special and want me in their lives in some way? I guess. But they came back, at various times. Unexpectedly (and not quite welcome, at first). My 'False Prophets' blog post talks about what happened when I considered going back. Some people get second chances (or 3rd or 4th) and can make it work the next time. I'm a romantic, I believe in that. Like I said, I used to hope for that each time. But it can only work if both people are invested in the relationship and put the work into fixing the things that were damaged before. That didn't happen.

Sometimes you get closure, or at least a chance to talk about some of the things you didn't get to say before. I held onto a lot of pain over the years. Usually I have to just let go and move on, without really knowing why it ended. Or the reasons don't make sense to me. I am incapable of suddenly losing feelings or interest in someone, so my brain can't comprehend it when someone else does. How do you just stop caring or loving someone? How do you just change your mind? I can't, so I don't understand. But it happens. Or so it seems at the time. The reality is that there were fears and doubts and other factors in their personal lives that caused them to react that way. To give up or let go or search for someone else who fits a certain image. What we think we want isn't always what we need. Sometimes we're controlled by our demons and do what we need to do to feel comfortable. I understand that. And I appreciate it when someone admits that it was their issues that got in the way and not something I did wrong, or that I was in some way lacking, like I was originally led to believe. Not that I did everything right, but I tried to do my best. You have to accept me for what I am, because that's all I am. I think sometimes people have this image of what they think I am or what they think I will do, but I'm completely different inside. It's hard to get to know me and I hold a lot inside, but what I show you is genuine. What I tell you is the truth. And if I trust you enough to open up, then you'll know the real me. It can be intense. And it takes time.

I haven't dated that many guys. I've had a lot of empty years, a lot of loneliness. Especially when there's someone I want to be with but can't. I look young, so people think I have plenty of time to date around and figure this out. But I'm almost 38 years old and I'm tired of dating. Tired of short-term relationships and games. I'm too old for that. I can't do casual dating, it was never appealing to me. I want kids more than anything and I'm running out of time. Especially with these health issues...I don't know if that's even part of my future. But I want to try. I know I'm capable of raising a child on my own, but financially I can't right now. And anxiety is becoming a burden. But things can change, things can be overcome. I don't need a man for anything. But what's wrong with wanting someone special in my life to share things with or talk to or laugh with. To have someone that I want to have a family with and a life of my own. Someone who wants that with me...and is willing to go after it. And keep trying, keep working. Not give up. Accept me for me. Be there, always. It may not happen, but I can still want it.

I had to change my ways, shift my perspective. Say no to people I would have said yes to before. Put myself first and see my worth. What do I need? What do I want? What can't I accept in a relationship? What can I compromise on? In the past I compromised on almost everything. I could love someone despite their flaws. Maybe that's a good thing in general, but I didn't allow myself to be treated the right way. Because they didn't accept my flaws or care about my well-being enough to not hurt me. If they said something critical or acted like I was strange or too different (especially too quiet), too bad. That's the way it was. With friends, with family, that's what I was used to hearing. I expected it. I allowed it. I didn't know that I was any better than that or even that there were other people in the world like me. Or that I didn't have to allow or accept it. Some people will never understand me. I AM different. But that's who I am. And I don't need someone in my life who doesn't want me around or only tolerates me and looks down on me. I don't need anyone that much. No matter how I feel.

All of these things are factors in the types of relationships I've had, the types of guys I've dated...and why it never worked. But it goes back farther than that and what I just realized as the initial blueprint. Not one I chose, but happened because of circumstance: The guy who asked to take me to prom when I was 17. He was 19, had already graduated from another school and I met him through my cousin. The first guy who ever liked me. Guys before that mostly laughed at me or ignored me (I have a lifetime of self-esteem issues, but that's another story). This guy was sweet and cute and tall and didn't seem to care that I was quiet or awkward. We only saw each other in person a few times but we talked on the phone a lot. And he asked me to my prom. I was so happy. We talked on Valentine's day, then I didn't hear from him much. The next time that I called his house, his sister said he had moved out. Some issue with his father. I asked if he had another number, she said not yet. This was in 1996, before cell phones. He was my cousin's boyfriend's best friend, but they had broken up, so that wasn't an avenue for contact either. Now, I know what I could have done to track him down or keep trying, but I was a kid and didn't know what to do then. I kept waiting for him to call. But I never heard from him again. The months went by and I ended up going to prom alone...because I didn't want to say that I never went to my prom. It wasn't worth it though.

When I went to college, I met a lot of guys who were interested in me (a new experience) to the point where they were intimidated and literally ran away. But I was always "too quiet" and nothing happened but bad dates. My sophomore year was the first time I fell in love. He was a great guy, super funny, and we dated on and off for 2 years. But early on he admitted that he didn't want to be committed to anyone yet and would probably date other women. It was my choice whether to stay with him...and I did. So I comprised to get what I wanted and ended up not really getting what I wanted. Eventually he moved back to Georgia and stopped returning my calls. I tried contacting him for so long, just to talk it out. But no closure. Took 3 years to get over him completely.

But I tried again. And again and again, searching for the right man for me. And unfortunately, kept dating guys who were afraid of commitment or disappeared without a word or came on so strongly at the beginning and then changed their minds. Or were so damaged by their pasts, they couldn't trust anyone new enough to have a healthy relationship. Or some combination of those. It was the norm. It was my only experience with dating and what I thought I deserved. I could see all the other ways, the good relationships, the fairytales in my mind, but I couldn't attain them. I was always so disappointed and discouraged. Then came the time when no one was interested in dating me at all and if I even had a crush on someone, suddenly they were with someone else. Worse if they showed interest in me and I thought we were starting something, then nope. They have a new girlfriend (and a few times - she's pregnant). Lovely. Out of the blue, just like that? Every time. I felt like I was cursed. Like "Good Luck Chuck" without all the fun stuff first. I felt like everything was being taken away from me and my life was just a big joke. And then I had to watch everyone else, everyone younger than me get married and have kids...it's painful.

More heartbreak, low self-esteem, life traumas, etc. The past 10 years have not been kind. But there are good people in my life and the past 2 years have taught me a lot about myself. I had to rearrange my whole outlook on the future after my last relationship. Pick up the pieces put them back in a different way. I'm still hurting. But I know what I need and what I won't put up with anymore. I had to change. It's not all good things inside of me, but there's a strength that wasn't there before. I can walk away and not compromise. Not let myself be mistreated. Now you either value me or stay out of my life. Love me or leave me alone...

It's time to break the cycle.