Things are better. A lot better. I feel...appreciated, wanted, cherished. Everything I prayed for, everything I needed, everything I (finally) realized that I deserved...I found it. Or, he found me. It hasn't been long but it's made a difference.
And yet, I can't get past the worries and fears and doubts. That it will happen again...that this will end the way everything does. I've lost so many people in my life, in a few short years. I've been beaten down and broken. I've loved...and lost everything. My heart has been empty, my soul destroyed. And even the little things, the crushes and try-agains, the faith in someone else, the belief in myself - that I'm good enough...it hasn't ever been true. I've been proven wrong every time. Until it becomes "right". The last time...I was proven right, that I wasn't enough, I couldn't win. You won.
Now I want to be proven wrong - that I can have this, that I'm allowed. That fate (or whoever) won't sabotage it. That I won't destroy it. That he'll look past my flaws and issues and want me anyway. No one has. Not for very long. I wonder every day, is this the last day? Will it just suddenly stop...without a word? Or with all the bad ones? Will he lose interest or think I'm a lost cause? Will I say the wrong thing...or too many of the right ones? Will I see something I don't want to see? I've been through it all. I'm still wounded, still broken, but healing. Coming back to ME. The question is, do I know who that is? Who I am really.
Maybe it doesn't matter. I'm always changing, reinventing myself, updating, adapting. I'm a chameleon girl. But I'm hoping I didn't build another clumsy card house. Blue October references. They help. Music is life-saving, therapeutic.
I don't know what to do. I'm not good at this. I'm afraid and insecure. I want to hold on tightly...but I want to run away. Which is easier? Which will be best for my heart? I don't like to give up. Or more accurately, I'm incapable of it, most times. But it's also very hard to let go, even when I need to. I'm not letting go yet. I'm just hitting my stride. And hoping, hoping. That I won't lose this time. That it will be my choice and it won't be taken away from me. I'm praying for the best. And maybe some healing.
I'm not good at it. But I'm trying.
Try with me, please?
